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Original poster

Feelings for best friend

13 replies

cookies92 · 27/09/2021 12:05

To put a long story short I have started to have feelings for my best friend who is also female. We became friends at work 3 years ago and bonded over the fact we were both pregnant at the same time. Our friendship developed over time and at the beginning of this year I hit a bad patch with my husband. After months of back and forth with my husband I decided to end the marriage. During the few months when things were really bad with my husband me and my friend got closer and closer, she was really there for me. One weekend we got so drunk we ended up sleeping together. It was a massive shock to us both, we've never been with another girl like that. She also has a partner and this was the week before I left my husband so technically we both cheated. I am not condoning it at all and that was not the reason for ending my marriage (he was abusive) but obviously we both still did wrong. We both tried to laugh it off and say that will never happen again and although it hasn't happened again to the same extent things have happened. We still spend a lot of time together, we do a lot of things that only couples would that aren't necessarily sexual. She is having a hard time in her relationship, she is unsure if she wants to be with her partner but doesn't want to break up her family. She has told him this and he begs her to try again so they do. She has feelings of guilt after what happened between us too but then says she can't see herself with him forever, she isn't attracted to him anymore etc. We have talked about what happened between us and she said she felt a connection. She likes to get close to me but neither of us have said how we really feel. I'm not sure if she does feel anything tho,I think she is quite confused about everything. She is still young- early 20s and I am late 20s. Don't get me wrong I have only recently left my marriage and have no intention of being with anyone else right now ,I also feel awful at the thought of breaking up a family and would never ever try to persuade her to. Its so complicated because I know I definitely have feelings beyond friendship but I don't want them to ever ruin our friendship either as she is an amazing friend to me. I know what we did was very wrong but we both did not expect that to happen and honestly are confused how it got to that, we have been drunk together many times and it's never happened. Like I say now when we are alone there is definitely something there and I know we both feel it.

Has anyone ever been in this situation?! What did you do?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/09/2021 12:11

If you don't have the restraint to stop crossing those boundaries, and she isn't willing to leave her partner respectfully, then it might be advisable for one of you to change jobs.

Original poster
cookies92 · 27/09/2021 12:14

@ravenmum

If you don't have the restraint to stop crossing those boundaries, and she isn't willing to leave her partner respectfully, then it might be advisable for one of you to change jobs.
We only work together for a couple of hours a week due to our shifts. We spend more time together outside of work. Obviously when we have our kids there is nothing funny going on it's just when we are alone.
OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/09/2021 12:32

I understand that you want to be friends, but unless she does the decent thing, if you don't want an affair then you only really have the options of staying on the right side of the boundaries or staying apart. Continuing to see you, flirt, act like a couple is still an affair, even if she's not in bed with you. I've been in the position of her husband in this scenario, and I was suspicious before I even knew the woman's name. It's nasty having those suspicions but your partner gaslighting you.

ravenmum · 27/09/2021 12:37

says she can't see herself with him forever, she isn't attracted to him anymore etc
Without wanting to pour cold water over your special love affair, this is really what they all say when they can't make up their minds whether you are worth leaving their partner for.

Original poster
cookies92 · 27/09/2021 12:38

@ravenmum

I understand that you want to be friends, but unless she does the decent thing, if you don't want an affair then you only really have the options of staying on the right side of the boundaries or staying apart. Continuing to see you, flirt, act like a couple is still an affair, even if she's not in bed with you. I've been in the position of her husband in this scenario, and I was suspicious before I even knew the woman's name. It's nasty having those suspicions but your partner gaslighting you.
Yes I totally get you. Last week she broke down to her partner saying she doesn't know if she wants to be with him. This isn't a new thing and she has had these doubts for as long as I've known her, basically she fell pregnant soon into her relationship with him and its just went from there but I think she has realised he is not right for her but obviously when you have a family it's hard to just give up. I felt so much guilt for ending my marriage even tho it was due to my husband's actions that lead to it. I definitely don't want to be having an affair it's just so hard when you have these feelings. I don't want to have these feelings either as it's the worst timing for myself too. My friend decided to give it another shot with her partner so I won't do anything to jeprodise that if that's what she wants. If she was not a friend then I'd stop seeing her completely but she is honestly one of the most genuine friends I have had and I'd hate to lose that.
OP posts:
Original poster
cookies92 · 27/09/2021 12:40

@ravenmum

says she can't see herself with him forever, she isn't attracted to him anymore etc Without wanting to pour cold water over your special love affair, this is really what they all say when they can't make up their minds whether you are worth leaving their partner for.
She has never indicated she would leave him for me and that not what this is about at all. We have never said we'd be together. I think all I am saying is that has anyone ever been in this situation with a woman when they never ever saw it coming.
OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/09/2021 12:53

OK, I've not had that experience so I can't advise you on that personally. But surely pretty common? But if you don't want an affair you're on dangerous ground, or in one by mistake ("there is nothing funny going on it's just when we are alone"). And if she's making that sort of comment, she might have quite different ideas in mind... take care!

CheddarTheDog · 27/09/2021 12:58

I think for your own sake you need to stop spending time together outside of work.

What happened between you isn’t uncommon BUT you need time to process 1. The end of the relationship and 2. Your sexuality - those are big changes, and you’re leaving yourself open to intrusive thoughts about being with her instead of dealing with working on yourself.

I don’t think either of you are being very fair on each other.

Original poster
cookies92 · 27/09/2021 13:10

@CheddarTheDog

I think for your own sake you need to stop spending time together outside of work.

What happened between you isn’t uncommon BUT you need time to process 1. The end of the relationship and 2. Your sexuality - those are big changes, and you’re leaving yourself open to intrusive thoughts about being with her instead of dealing with working on yourself.

I don’t think either of you are being very fair on each other.

We spend more time out of work together than at work. The problem is we have been friends for years with absolutely no indication on either of our parts that it would go further and since it has it's made things a little different between us. Because we are already such good friends anyway it's hard to just not see each other especially when she has been so there for me through the worst time of my life.

I amnt questioning my sexuality at all , I am OK with liking girls and guys I know I like both and it hasn't phased me I think it's more just because it wasn't like there was something there from the beginning which would be more understandable to me but it came out of no where. I definitely want to be by myself. I don't know what I'm expecting with this to be honest.

OP posts:
thecatmother · 27/09/2021 13:35

I think this is a recipe for disaster. You are going to end up very hurt if the relationship continues the way it is. Why don't you have a conversation with your friend and tell her that you do have those feelings, but you don't want to be the reason for her family to be broken up.
Give her space, let her think, and also, be gentle to yourself, if you are opening up the unknown part of yourself you need to know exactly how you feel about it.
Be frank with yourself, is it her that you're attracted to or are you generally becoming attracted to women? Because if latter , you can then consider dating without the guilt of breaking up someone's family.

Original poster
cookies92 · 27/09/2021 14:04

@thecatmother

I think this is a recipe for disaster. You are going to end up very hurt if the relationship continues the way it is. Why don't you have a conversation with your friend and tell her that you do have those feelings, but you don't want to be the reason for her family to be broken up. Give her space, let her think, and also, be gentle to yourself, if you are opening up the unknown part of yourself you need to know exactly how you feel about it. Be frank with yourself, is it her that you're attracted to or are you generally becoming attracted to women? Because if latter , you can then consider dating without the guilt of breaking up someone's family.
I'm not sure I'd want to confess anything too deep especially when she's so confused about her partner. She knows I'm attracted to her as we joke about it all the time but I keep it light. If she ever tried to speak about it in more depth then I would say something. We only had one conversation after it happened where she said she liked what happened and it confused her a bit and then another occasion she mentioned having an emotional connection with me but that's as much thats been said that hasn't been jokey.

I definitely don't want to break her family up and I amnt wanting anything with anyone right now, I think this is why it's all so confusing because we don't understand how this developed and then me just coming out of a marriage and wanting to be alone to focus on myself, yet here I am having these feelings I can't help having.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/09/2021 14:27

Sometimes these things happen when you're vulnerable .. just out of a relationship / at the end of a relationship when everythig is pretty shit and you feel bad about yourself ... someone just has to treat you nicely and you're smitten.

Original poster
cookies92 · 27/09/2021 14:50

@ravenmum

Sometimes these things happen when you're vulnerable .. just out of a relationship / at the end of a relationship when everythig is pretty shit and you feel bad about yourself ... someone just has to treat you nicely and you're smitten.
It could very well be that. My husband lacked a lot of emotional things that I needed in my relationship and she seems to have all those qualities he was missing so the attraction perhaps formed from that
OP posts:
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