Feel really shit about this

[Farmergilette]

I went on a night out on Sunday and had a lot to drink... Went to a bar and ended up meeting lots of guys and talking to them. I was really enjoying the social aspect and wanted to carry on the night so carried on drinking with some after. We went back to their flat and me and the guy I’d been talking to the most (and also fancied) chilled outside having drinks etc. We were laughing a lot and seemed to have a similar sense of humour, I can remember him saying that we should stick together or something along those lines, it sounded as if he also thought we got on really well. He’s from several hours away so unlikely anything was going to happen anyway but I drunkenly told him I’d visit him the weekend after etc.

I was drunk and get very excitable when drunk (!) but did think we had a connection and also I really fancied him. Haven’t felt this way about someone in a while. I’m late 20s and he’s a couple years older

He asked whether I wanted to stay or if he could come back to mine so did seem quite focused on the sex. For various reasons he couldn’t come back to mine so we said our goodbyes the next morning (had just been chatting and drinking the whole time).

I then got a text from him the next day saying he’d extended his trip and was i free to hang out in the day - was buzzing really and quite excited to hear from him. I asked what the plan was and he said he’d booked a hotel really near me... I then asked what he wanted to do and he said just chill together at the hotel. I asked if he wanted to grab a drink and he said that would be great, but then got a message from him slightly later saying he was checked in and did I want to join. I made my excuses as it just seemed a bit clinic not to meet at all before it and just come straight to the hotel in the middle of the day?!

On one hand he had come all the way to my area but it still felt low effort even for a ONS as we weren’t actually going to do anything else?! I mean fine if it wasn’t going to go anywhere but made me feel rubbish and as if we didn’t have a connection at all and what he said was BS.

I politely told him I wouldn’t be able to make it now but said it had been great to meet etc, didn’t hear back. Now feel really crappy and like the old insecurities are coming back - i mean I’m decently attractive and was getting a lot of attention that night but been single for a while and not dating by choice really, I keep telling myself I’m not gf material etc. Why would he not even take me somewhere in public for a bloody coffee at least lol. Made me think I had nothing interesting to say and was just a convenient hole. Please help. I just feel a bit shitty now and like I’ll never meet a guy who I actually want to pursue things with - the ones who like me I don’t tend to feel a connection with and the ones I like, seem to behave like this and just use me as a convenient generic body for one thing. I actually feel a bit disgusting and ashamed I thought it could be something more?! It’s not even that I wanted something long lasting, more that this felt so cold and clinical and I can’t believe I kidded myself it was a holiday romance vibe, he obviously would have had sec with anyone and I was the easiest option around?!

Sorry that should say went on a night out on Saturday... and clinical not clinic!

He is the one lacking here, not you. Or rather, what he wanted was different to what you wanted. He was after sex with a stranger who he would likely never see again. It was worth a bit of a journey and a hotel booking.

I'm glad you said no, as you would have felt worse afterwards when you never heard from him again.

This is nothing to do with you, or how loveable you are. You just got chatting to someone, thought there was a connection and he was after sex. There might even have been a connection. Maybe you didn't imagine it. But his aim to have sex first spoiled it.

Don't let this affect your optimism or hopes for the future. But please please be careful going back to people's homes or private parties with strangers. You didn't know him / them and it could have ended much worse.

It's definitely him, not you.

You were both just wanting different things and good for you for sticking to your guns and having the self-respect to say no.

Agree with @layladomino

Don't let this affect your optimism or hopes for the future. But please please be careful going back to people's homes or private parties with strangers. You didn't know him / them and it could have ended much worse

But I'm glad you had the self esteem to recognise this low effort pulling technique for what it was. I agree, you would have felt worse if you had gone along with it.

There are always plenty of men out there 'chancing their arm'. He was one of them. There are also men who want a proper relationship. You will meet them. It's just a numbers game.

I’m very impressed with your boundaries. I’m sad enough that I would have gone to his room despite the low effort and felt the same if not worse as you after.

Don’t get me wrong ONS can be fun with the right person, right time. But be proud of your boundaries, keep your expectations high, and then when the right one comes along you’ll be all the more attractive to them because of your self respect.

This isn’t your fault or your problem. He got over excited like a dog on heat and thought you’d be up for a hotel shag. He’s the disgusting one. He might even be married which is why he didn’t want to go out in public. You can be proud of yourself. You said no. I think that’s bloody brilliant to be honest. You cut off a dick head. You should have higher self esteem not punishing yourself. This is exactly what good boundaries look like. I’d be so chuffed if you were my daughter. Gold star.
I think dialling down the booze and maybe taking up a few healthy hobbies will help you meet guys who aren’t like this. You should be out at clubs at least 3 times a week. You won’t meet a great guy being drunk in a bar

His head was definitely focussed on getting you into his bed rather than taking you somewhere nice, chatting etc.
I can't stand that in men either, I love a nice drink out and a chat first it's all part of the fun.

Your post is bringing back some horrid memories of rubbish pulls actually 😅. You did the right thing.

I agree - he thought the hotel was an investment in sex.

Did you go back to that house with your own friends or was it you and people you hadn't met before?

If you’d gone you would be feeling really rubbish today. You did the right thing.

It was me and people I hadn’t met before... probably not sensible in hindsight!! My friend wanted to go home but hadn’t wanted to leave with me, id had to convince her. I understand all your points but can’t help but feel that I’m not enough, which I know is dumb. That if I had been xyz he would have behaved differently or been more respectful? Lol. I don’t even know if he fancied me or just wanted a leg over and didn’t need to fancy me or what?! He kept saying during the night that I was really pretty but drunk talk etc

Well done for keeping your boundaries, you didn't just want casual sex so you said 'no thank you'. This isn't any reflection on you at all, you had a good night and were engaging company it's just that he, for whatever reason, was only in the market for sex. Possibly because of the distance, but I wouldn't be that surprised if he was taken seeing as he was so keen to keep it indoors. Try not to take this personally, I know its deflating when you think there was a spark. At least he was upfront about it though on the day and didn't tell you what you wanted to hear only to go quiet afterwards. And please be careful going home with groups of men (experience talking, not any kind of judgement)

Of course it wasn't you.

Woman and man meet. Get along. Woman thinks this could lead to something good. Man is only thinking as far as his next lay. Woman realises what he's up to and has self esteem and sense to say no.

How can that reflect on you other than positively?

He didn't know you, so it can't be that 'you' put him off. Someone who tries to pull the stunt he pulled would have pulled it on anyone they'd met that night. It's him not you. As @SpongeBobJudgeyPants said, there are men out there who will want the same as you. You just have to weed out the chaff, which you made a good start on that night.

I think it’s really important that women realise that men who really are just after a shag don’t all come across as leery dogs on heat— plenty initially come across as nice guys wanting a connection and a good flirty conversation but at the end of the day the intended end result isn’t a nice date at the cinema or a meal but to get Sex without it being about anything else. That’s fine if that’s what you are after too but often it isn’t

@Farmergilette

It was me and people I hadn’t met before... probably not sensible in hindsight!! My friend wanted to go home but hadn’t wanted to leave with me, id had to convince her. I understand all your points but can’t help but feel that I’m not enough, which I know is dumb. That if I had been xyz he would have behaved differently or been more respectful? Lol. I don’t even know if he fancied me or just wanted a leg over and didn’t need to fancy me or what?! He kept saying during the night that I was really pretty but drunk talk etc

It really wasn't sensible OP, fun as it was at the time.

You mustn't judge yourself by what a random drunk man who wanted a hotel assignation thinks of you. YOU knew you were good enough not to be used like that, & you didn't allow it to happen - good for you!

But please don't go back to unknown men's homes again.
You could be taken for 'fair game' & what would you be able to do about it? If you are interested in a guy you meet on a night out, & it's mutual, you can arrange to meet again without you putting yourself into a potentially dangerous & very distressing situation.

The right man for you will show up soon enough.
Stop worrying about whether you are "enough" & focus on what you think about him. You don't need validation from legover men ... when it's right, you will feel that right man's interest in & respect for you as a person, not just a body.

Stay safe :)

You acted with a lot of sense and self respect.

He was clearly looking for a hook up.

That had nothing to do with you, thats what he was after. It had nothing g to do with your attentiveness or "value" of anything.

He was looking for a hook up.

He might not even be fully single, he might not be looking for a relationship, he might not be interested in starting a relationship with distance, you might be very attractive bit not his particular type .... there there any number of reasons.

None if tgemngave anything to do with you or are your fault.

I used to think my attractiveness charm would overcome mens "agenda" .... it didn't, it doesn't. Its pointless.

You did the right thing since it sounds like you aren't looking for a hook up.
Don't let your ego get in the way.

He didn't know you, so it can't be that 'you' put him off. Someone who tries to pull the stunt he pulled would have pulled it on anyone they'd met that night. It's him not you. As @SpongeBobJudgeyPants said, there are men out there who will want the same as you. You just have to weed out the chaff, which you made a good start on that night.

And this.

You are statistically more likely to meet Ken who want hook ups rather than relationships. That doesn't mean there aren't some out there who want relationships.

@somebodyoutthere

I’m very impressed with your boundaries. I’m sad enough that I would have gone to his room despite the low effort and felt the same if not worse as you after.

Don’t get me wrong ONS can be fun with the right person, right time. But be proud of your boundaries, keep your expectations high, and then when the right one comes along you’ll be all the more attractive to them because of your self respect.

👍

I keep telling myself I’m not gf material

You are for a different man.
He's not looking gor a girlfriend/relationship by the looks of ot. How do you even know know definitely single (?)

The main point you're missing however is "is he boyfriend material?".

The answer is no, because he's looking for a hook up(!)

You did absolutely everything right OP.
Nice to have some drunken attention and flirting.
Perfectly ideal to not want a hotel shag on barely moments of knowing someone.

Brush it off. Enjoy your next night out.

And get on with your week.