Really don’t know

[GoodnightGrandma]

My DH is a nice kind man, but I’m not sure if my resentment over the years is distorting my judgement. I feel so constantly angry at him.
When I think about the future it’s with him, we’ve been together a long time, but I’m so angry and our relationship can’t continue with me so angry. Yesterday he said something like I’m unhinged.
Yes I’m in peri menopause, so perhaps there’s something there.
I don’t fancy him, I don’t think I love him, don’t want sex with him. But I want to feel safe. I wouldn’t be wanting another relationship if we split.
For some time I’ve been wanting to separate, to not be angry and resentful any more, but now I’ve mentioned it I’m panicking. I’ve fantasised about being alone, of him just disappearing and leaving me living here the way I want to live.
I really don’t know if it’s me or not.
I actually sometimes think I’m going crazy with indecision.

Anyone ?

What is causing your anger and resentment?

You might be better talking to your GP, HRT can bring libidos back.

I’ll try to post again but the sliding ad is getting in the way, stopping me typing.

I don’t want my libido back. Don’t want to kiss him or anything.
For years I put up with him taking for ever to come, me bouncing up and down on top, frustrated and exhausted.. He was told by a psychologist to get Viagra because his antidepressants were affecting him, but he didn’t bother.

Don’t underestimate how bad being with someone you don’t love can feel. It puts an enormous amount of stress on you both. If you have been feeling like this for a while it’s probably fairly unlikely to magically change. What is it that keeps you together? Do you have DC? Have you talked to him about how you’re feeling?

If I ask him to tidy up after himself I’m nagging.
He drinks a bottle of wine a day. I’m disgusted by it, he’s an addict. Says he’s going to cut down/give up multiple times.
He’s on antidepressants, I put up with him not admitting his problem was mental for years before he took the pills. I held everything together.
He tells little lies to people, and I know he’s lied to me before.
Won’t live within his means, happy to get the credit card out.

He won’t talk, dismisses me like in crazy. I’m going crazy from frustration and resentment.

I wonder that if we split I’d get some peace. He can get into debt as much as he wants, drink what he wants, lie as much as he likes.
He could find someone to love him.

@GoodnightGrandma

He won’t talk, dismisses me like in crazy. I’m going crazy from frustration and resentment.

Then do something about it.

You have several issues so need to pick one and start somewhere.

Go to the doctor and see about your health.
Move in to the spare room
Take your name off the credit card
See a counsellor
Look into a rental
Get the house valued
See a solicitor
Look at finances including pensions

Kids and the house keep us together. But the youngest is at college now. I can’t see us being together when he’s gone to Uni, but maybe we’d get on better as we’d need each other.

My health is fine.
We’re already in separate rooms.
The credit card is his, but it’s paid off out of our joint account.
I spoke to a solicitor a year or so ago.
I want to keep the house, not prepared to lose it. I’d happily buy him out, but don’t think he’ll go. It will be a sticking point.

Then there's nothing more to be said .

It sounds as though your marriage is dead in all but name, and the kindest thing would be to put it out of its misery.
Your current living arrangements are making neither of you happy. Your husband is barely held together by alcohol and antidepressants, and you are a seething mass of resentment. Neither of you are having your emotional needs met.
And I am hardly surprised your libido has gone awol, given the unsatisfactory sex you were subjected to for years.
OP, for both your sakes, see a solicitor and start the ball rolling on a divorce.
When you have had time apart, and a chance to heal, you may find your libido can be resuscitated by a different partner who actually focuses on your pleasure rather than just his own. No woman enjoys being selfishly used as an orifice.

@Babdoc

It sounds as though your marriage is dead in all but name, and the kindest thing would be to put it out of its misery. Your current living arrangements are making neither of you happy. Your husband is barely held together by alcohol and antidepressants, and you are a seething mass of resentment. Neither of you are having your emotional needs met. And I am hardly surprised your libido has gone awol, given the unsatisfactory sex you were subjected to for years. OP, for both your sakes, see a solicitor and start the ball rolling on a divorce. When you have had time apart, and a chance to heal, you may find your libido can be resuscitated by a different partner who actually focuses on your pleasure rather than just his own. No woman enjoys being selfishly used as an orifice.

Thank you. He makes me feel like it’s all my fault.

"Kids and the house keep us together".

Children should not be the glue that bind you and this man together; what you're also perhaps describing here is an unhealthy codependent relationship between you and your current H.

The above, particularly the house, are infact no reasons to stay together and you've stayed with him really for your own reasons. What have you both taught your children about relationships here; would you want them to stay in a dead marriage like this also because you chose to do so to present day anyway?. I would hope not and you do not need to continue with the same old you have done up till now; its has not worked.

I would also think your H is an alcoholic who further self medicates any depression issues through alcohol. However, alcohol acts as a depressant. You've likely also played out the usual roles associated with such spouses; codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget).

He may well not leave the marriage and or home willingly but he is not above the law here. You can still choose to divorce him. And this house you are in is really not a home.

There isn’t any fault in ending a marriage or relationship. If you don’t want to be part of the couple then it’s over. Nobody gets a say. The only responsibility you have is not to make a dogs dinner of the separation for your children’s sake. That is more likely to happen if you let anger and resentment build.

As to the house, well no one gets to keep the house. You can buy the other party out or it gets sold. You can decide it between you or let a court do that for you.

The reality is that he can’t stop you divorcing him. He can scream fault all he wants but he’s doing that anyway. The house issue will get resolved if he is being stubborn. And it is not a good enough reason for you to stay. That’s being stubborn as well. Also the longer you leave it the less of a case you have for keeping the house with all the children classified as adult.

The decision is yours if you want to make it. You might end up having to sell the house. But as I said that’s not a good enough reason to stay married in these circumstances. But if you think it is then keep drinking the poison chalice of anger. It effects you more than him which is why he is ok with the status quo.

It definitely effects me more.
If I’d gone 18 months ago when I first saw the solicitor I’d have had a very good chance of keeping the house. But I stayed for the kids.

Seems to me the thing that’s keeping you stuck is what you mentioned in your OP - safety. Change is scary and it can also feel safer to stay because of things like worrying about the kids or the house.

But the safety in that respect means you lose safety or freedom in other respects - like being safe from the harm this relationship is causing you. Longer term you’re actually more unsafe because of how tough it is to stay in such an unfulfilling and frustrating marriage.

If you did end things you would find a new normal and sense of safety over time.