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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed on how to handle friendship

19 replies

Lanareyrey · 27/09/2021 03:54

Hello

Looking for some advice on how to handle a friendship with another couple.

Backstory - I have known this couple of approximately 18 months. Our DDs are best friends. To cut them out of our lives would be almost near impossible I think and to be honest I do not think I could handle a "falling out".

I get along with this couple very well, but my husband is struggling. They want to spend every waking moment with us. If I say no, I get made to feel guilty or just rail roaded until I give in. I have also said no, and they have all rocked up in our driveway in the hope I would change my mind!

At first it was flattering but now it has got annoying and stressful. And the problem is that all they want to do is get drunk and shit faced, every single weekend. I do not want to do this and I am at a stage in my life where I am trying to reduce my alcohol intake for health related reasons.

My husband has different interests to them and has a very responsible, stressful job. My husband gets tired at weekends at doesn't want to do things with them every weekend especially as it revolves getting drunk. I have explained this to them, but they seem to just not accept him or the situation. Which leads them into thinking he's controlling, a square etc etc.

They are also very overly invested in our financial situation (which we never disclose mind you) and extremely competitive in everything. They also seem to think everybody should be like them, because they have the perfect relationship, family, outlook on life etc etc. I also know this is completely untrue as the husband completely rail roads his wife and cannot do anything by himself.

It's making me start to second guess myself and everything and it's starting to cause conflict in our family.

How do I deal with this very odd situation??

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2021 04:05

You start by creating boundaries, saying no and meaning it, (regardless of their reaction), telling them clearly that the way they spend their weekends is of no interest to you, and accept the fact that if they don't back off, the relationship between your children may come to an end.

twoandeights · 27/09/2021 04:14

Oh wow. How have you let it get this far? This is toxic and unacceptable. You say to them firmly we are spending the weekend alone and we will let you know when we want you to come over. Go away for the weekend! Don’t tell them. Don’t post on Facebook. Don’t message them. Don’t answer messages. How old is your DD?

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 27/09/2021 04:33

@Aquamarine1029

Thank you. I have tried setting boundaries and they just seem to constantly ignore them! They cannot take no for an answer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 27/09/2021 04:34

@twoandeights

You are very much right about this. I do not know how it got like this. It's just all so very weird. DD is 10.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2021 04:35

They cannot take no for an answer.

Yes, they can. You're the one who keeps giving in. If you have to be less than cordial, so be it.

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 27/09/2021 04:37

@Aquamarine1029

They cannot take no for an answer.

Yes, they can. You're the one who keeps giving in. If you have to be less than cordial, so be it.

You are right. I do say no and have not given in to their demands, but they just seem to go on and on about it. It is ridiculous.

OP posts:

romdowa · 27/09/2021 04:40

Agree with pp , if this couple turn up at your door then just don't let them in or don't even answer the door. A few times of being left on your door step should get the message across to them.

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 27/09/2021 04:42

@romdowa

Agree with pp , if this couple turn up at your door then just don't let them in or don't even answer the door. A few times of being left on your door step should get the message across to them.

I did exactly this and they wouldn't stop going on about it, and the proceeded to go and do it to all their other friends! It's really not normal behaviour.

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 27/09/2021 04:43

Get busy doing something else

LaBellina · 27/09/2021 04:45

There’s no other option then to be super blunt with people who don’t respect boundaries. Just tell them firmly ’no’ and walk away or end the text conversation or phone call. Don’t worry about being seen as impolite because they’re much worse then impolite, they sound unhinged and their behavior is borderline stalking.

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 27/09/2021 04:45

We just need some space from them, we don't mind catching up on occasion but it's just got so out of hand, it's become unenjoyable now and I actually really don't think they like my husband.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 27/09/2021 04:46

@LaBellina

You are absolutely right. It's very upsetting. I actually really like the wife and we are good friends, it seems to be coming more from the husband than her.

OP posts:

Denyingbleedingobvious · 27/09/2021 04:47

They sound awful abd they’re not friends! Put your family first- these people are acting like leeches. Start by encouraging other friends for your daughter.

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 27/09/2021 04:48

@Denyingbleedingobvious

They sound awful abd they’re not friends! Put your family first- these people are acting like leeches. Start by encouraging other friends for your daughter.

I am def trying with this and have even enrolled her in another high school, the daughter can also be controlling and manipulative and I just can't face the next few years of this crap.

OP posts:

Denyingbleedingobvious · 27/09/2021 04:50

They will go away eventually once they realise they’re not succeeding in coercing you into their norms and justifying their behaviours.

Different high school sounds like a good idea.

LaBellina · 27/09/2021 04:51

Is the husband being abusive to his wife?
They sound very odd and the over the top drinking at every opportunity doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy / normal family setting that they have.

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 27/09/2021 04:59

@LaBellina

Is the husband being abusive to his wife? They sound very odd and the over the top drinking at every opportunity doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy / normal family setting that they have.

He is very abusive as in a coercive control way, but she would think otherwise because she always says they have the perfect relationship. I also think they have issues with alcohol but they are in complete denial about their drinking.

OP posts:

LaBellina · 27/09/2021 05:01

I really feel for their poor child but this couple sounds very toxic and I wouldn’t meet up again with the husband being there. If the wife is willing to respect your boundaries when the husband isn’t there then perhaps you could meet her separately. If she’s open to that (if he allows her…..).

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 27/09/2021 05:04

@LaBellina

She is better at respecting boundaries, I have tried to meet up separately but he just sulks and whinges about it to her and I've just given up on asking!

OP posts:

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