Husband seems distant

[Sally431]

First time posting😬 my Dh and I are married 10 years together 23 with 4 kids. Lately i just feel like the spark is totally gone. He literally comes home from work ( im a SAHM) and i feel pretty lonely all day i am excited to see him and i get the usual " hows the kids hows your day" questions, but i could say anything in response and it goes over his head. Then i get kids bathed and he watches telly, programmes that i have no intrest in, then i go to bed from pure boredom. I have tried to say lets watch something fun or go for a walk but he is just not intrested. Hes a good man, works hard, is kind to the kids but for instance , i asked him tonight to do a date with me , pretend we are only dating and impress me for fun ( last date night over 5 weeks ago planned by me and probably any other one too tbh).he spoke with a raised voice that hes not a mind reader and if i wanted to do something i should organise it and he would go.i feel so frustrated. All i want is a bit of intrest, some affection and to be seen by him again. Any tips on what to do here i feel like banging my head off a wall. I try to make the house tidy for him coming home make an effort with myself, i try take the burden of daily stress off him , i make nice meals and plan days out wkends away for us with and without the kids. I have tried talking to him but he turns it into a screaming match and i dont want that especially with the kids around. I dont know what else to do , im lonely. I miss us

I'm sorry you're not feeling seen or valued. Have you tried surprising him with something? A trip away? A foot rub? Walking around in lingerie? Maybe if you start surprising him he'll do the same in return. It's so easy to fall into a comfortable lifestyle which is nice but a little boring.

Good luck with everything.

he watches telly, programmes that i have no interest in, then i go to bed from pure boredom

It might sound like the 50's, but have you thought of taking an interest in his programmes instead of going to bed ? I had to force myself to start watching football with DH when we got together, and after I'd learned a bit about it I got quite interested and now we are both glued to the set when it's on. We often end up cuddling on the sofa as a result. It all helps.

Yeah i have done. I organise romantic meals i habe packed the sexy gear away lately because tbh i feel like im giving up , i feel like im constantly chasing him and i irritate him by trying to speak about anything. Just feel lost tbh

Oh ive tried i literally feel like pulling my eyes out. He watches fishing programmes and ice road trucker programmes , ive tried to get intrested and have sat there but if i ask whats happening or whos that he gets narky with me. Ive sat through hours of stuff literally pretending to be watching , but its like it makes no difference if im there or not.im lost

He watches fishing programmes and ice road trucker programmes

Yikes that does sound boring tbh. YANBU.

My heart goes out to you op. In exact same situation and it’s not a nice feeling 😭

Lol it really is. I feel like ive answered my own question here by writing it out.i cant make him make an effort if he doesnt want to its just horrible x

Im sick of feeling miserable and trying not to irritate him. I just dont know what to do. Hope you are ok x

Is he simply tired as a working man feeding 6 people. When I've had s long day at work I just want to sit down and chill.
I understand you've been at home all day, but he is working.

@Theworldishard

Is he simply tired as a working man feeding 6 people. When I've had s long day at work I just want to sit down and chill. I understand you've been at home all day, but he is working.

I think with 4 kids to look after, plus to domestic chores, OP has been working too

I don't know what to suggest OP. 😔 Is he happy with the way things are?

Get dressed up and go out with friends.
If he asks where you're going tell him that you're bored, he's obviously not interested in you so you may as well be with people who are.

He'll either make more of an effort or you'll realise your relationship is dead.

How about you reinvent yourself? Get a paid part/full time job. Get a new hobby. Let him share some of the household chores while you are out at work/hobby with the new friends you will meet.

How about signing up to a gym. If he’s sat there watching ice road truckers you can go out? Go meet some new friends? Go to a Zumba class in the eve, learn an instrument, go to Spanish classes. There’s no point you both being sat in.

@Theworldishard

Is he simply tired as a working man feeding 6 people. When I've had s long day at work I just want to sit down and chill. I understand you've been at home all day, but he is working.

Being at home, looking after children cooking and cleaning is working too, only for some the working day doesn't end and their is no renumeration. If your working day involves heavy physical toil, then fair enough, but it's a mental toil for all.

How old are the children?

I agree with going out on your own and finding your own things to do. Dance classes are opening up again and many don't require ypu to have a partner. I do swing dancing. I'm crap at it but there is a good social scene, it's good exercise, the music is great and it's fun.

He can spend his life watching shit telly if he likes. That doesn't have to be your life though!

DH would sit and watch crap TV and play on his phone on an eve more often than not.

A few years ago I got sick on this and now I hog the remote and put a drama or a film on or something we can both watch together or I go in the front room which he hates as he likes me being with him watching crap. Our kids are probably older than yours so we often go out for an early evening walk together initiated by me or go to our local pub for a couple of drinks on say a Saturday afternoon which is initiated by nothing startling but nice.

If I were you I would either develop some interests on your own of an evening let him notice you are not there and wonder what you are doing or enjoy some quiet time. And or hide/loose the remote and actively suggest meal away from the TV with music and a nice simple meal on your own or a night out or away.