how can I get my marriage back on track?

[AnyasMum07]

Our dd is only 2 months old so maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. Problem is dh and I seem to argue most of the time, and when we don't we only talk about dd - it's as though we don't exist as a couple any more, only as parents.

dh is prone to stress and depression and I know he's very down at the moment as dd has just been diagnosed with achondroplasia. He's a fantastic dad and very hands on but I know he's not coping very well emotionally. Everything I do seems to annoy him, especially when I'm not being very successful at calming dd when she's upset. I feel as though he thinks I'm a rubbish mother and wife, and I worry that he regrets that we had her.

We've talked about all this and we both promise to try and make a bigger effort not to upset each other, but we always end up doing it anyway.

I feel as though we're miles apart at the moment. Is this normal in the first few weeks? Does it get better?

Thanks dinosaur. No I've not posted on Special Needs as I don't think of her like that - you can't tell to look at her at the moment that she's got the condition and I don't want it to become the thing that identifies her in my head - does that make sense? For the same reason I don't want to get involved with a support group just yet, although the staff at the genetics clinic have been great.

Try not to take on the responsibility of your DH as well as yourself and your baby.

Encourage him to talk about how he feels but try not to make assumptions about his feelings.
many women feel responsible for 'spoiling' the relationship or 'ruining their husband's lives' by having a baby. Remember, you are jointly responsible for her.

Having a baby is overwhelming for dads as well as mums. He make be needing some time to adjust.

Don't worry, most couples work it out in the end.

My eldest is 4.5 and we can't really remember what it was like just being a couple as family life has become normal.

Good luck.

If you feel you are strong enough at the moment to handle both of you (as you seem to be)... remember.... men thrive on admiration and appreciation. What both of you need to remember is that you are still you. Perhaps ...if you can find it in yourself in terms of energy and resources(, because I realise you need the support as much as he does) do something for him...the MAN you love, not the daddy he has become. Show him how you love him. Then perhaps he will also see you as the woman he loves and not just the person who is now attached to a baby.

Can you have someone to look after your little one so that you two can just go out together for a cuddly walk or something?

Good luck.

Hi,

I realise you are not actively looking for a support group yet but here is a UK based one you should look at when you are ready:-

www.achondroplasia.co.uk

That has a vertitable mine of information on it.

I think your husband is actually grieving for his daughter; a common reaction in such circumstances. He may well think her future is uncertain. You are also coping and or grieving in a different way. I would say to you that she is your daughter first and foremost, she having achondroplasia will not change that.

You both need to keep talking and seek outside support as well. He likely thinks that you are neither a rubbish wife or mother at all but you both need to talk without rancor to each other.

I wish you well

Thanks for your advice. I think I need to cut him some slack and give us both time to adjust properly. It's his birthday on Monday so I'll try and make the weekend really special.

Hi Anyasmum,
I have 3 children. The eldest is 5 and also has achondroplasia. After each of our children, we went through a phase as you have described. Having a young baby has a huge impact on your lives, and of course if your daughter is just 2 months old, you'll also both be very tired.
I would suggest that you get a babysitter whenever you can and have some time together, just the two of you to talk. Having a child with achondroplasia is a huge shock and you need to able to talk about your feelings..its essential. By the way, your feelings may be very different. You probably will go through a grieving process and you'll both reach different stages at different times, but you must talk and you must have some fun together.
I didn't join any support groups for a long time either - several years in fact..I just wasn't ready to categorise my child, I just needed to get to know him as a personality first. In fact, I never met anyone else with achondroplasia until my child was 5 years old.
He's just started school and is incredibly popular and really is an amazing child - I wouldn't have him any other way.