What is wrong with me?

[limerencelarry]

I have fallen out of love with DH.
We have 2 children (2&6).
I told him all of this last weekend, he stayed with friends for a couple of days. Then he came back and has begged me to reconsider - he is a good dad, a supportive and caring partner, good around the house, great with my family and friends, honest, reliable, everything that most people would want.
I find him attractive but am not attracted to him anymore. I don't know why. It feels like a brother/sister relationship almost and I get the ick when we're intimate.
I stupidly agreed to giving things another go, he's over the moon, putting in so much effort, wanting to do the best for me and the kids.
I've fucked my chance to leave. At least for now. I can't rebreak his heart again, a mere 7 days later.
Because I love and care about him, and because of all his wonderful qualities, I said yes. I'd give it another go
I have almost instantly regretted it. Things are fine and I feel happy and warm and settled... Until he kisses me. Then I just don't want it, I feel claustrophobic and smothered.
I feel like there's something wrong with me. He is everything I would want in a DH (technically, and on paper), but the spark just isn't there. I don't fancy him.
Why did I agree to this? Now I feel trapped and so so guilty knowing im going to have to do it all again.

Sorry you are feeling like this. I've been though similar as I'm sure many others have. The demands of DC can take away our desires and nothing he or you can do will make it any different. Did you tell him that the only problem is being intimate and if so, how did he react? How long have you been feeling like this?

Maybe talk to him about taking kissing/sex off the agenda for a while. It’s very common to get that sibling feeling with someone you are so close to and spend so much time with. A bit of distance can help.

Are you attracted to other people OP? Just trying to work out if it's DH specifically or if you've just 'switched off' physically altogether. The latter can be worked on, the former not so much ime.

Walkingalot

Yeah I was clear about not feeling physically attracted to him. Which he wants to (and feels that we can) work on.
Im not sure that we can? Even with sex/relationship counselling, can that really change?
When you say you've been through similar - was that something you were able to change or not?

CoasterCoaster

I do have attraction to other people, but haven't been honest about that with DH as it would totally crush him and his self esteem would be shot. I just couldn't say it to him.
The thing is he would probably understand and accept it is over if I was honest, but I just cannot do that to him - I'm probably a coward.

It sounds like you’re done with the relationship
Be honest about it and don’t drag it out

Is there one man in particular you’re attracted to?

It’s sad, but you can’t help how you feel. I personally don’t think any amount of counselling and trying can make someone fancy another person if that attraction has gone - it’s such an instinctive and visceral thing that you just can’t force it. The kindest thing to do is be completely honest that that feeling has gone for you and the relationship is over - it might break his heart now but stringing him along when you know you’re done will devastate him more in the future. Hopefully if you’re totally honest you can aim for an amicable separation and positive co-parenting relationship. There’s nothing wrong with you, and there’s nothing wrong with him, it’s just one of those things you can’t control. I personally don’t subscribe to the idea of a ‘life partner’ because I just don’t think it’s possible to guarantee you’ll love and remain attracted to the same person forever, even if they’re the nicest person alive - human emotions don’t work that way, people change and grow and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the people involved. Good luck.

Hmmm - don’t you think you might be being a bit hasty? This smacks a bit of grass being greener to me.

For a start, you seem to be assuming that if you were in the same situation with a different man you’d still fancy the pants off him. But actually a lot of couples experience a dip in sexual attraction and intimacy in the early years of child-rearing and these things can return in time particularly as you have more time and space to interact as adults rather than having so much of your waking energies filled up with parenting small children.

The fact that you find other people exciting and attractive could just be because they represent novelty. You’re not going through the daily grind with them. But if you were with someone else and your husband were the person on the outside, you might well find you were very attracted to him.

I’m not saying you should stay in this marriage at all costs. But you chose to marry and have children with him, including a relatively recent child so this seems to be a recent development. Don’t you owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to at least try and see if you can work through this patch?

Nothing is wrong with you. Respect your feelings. They are who you are. They are the heart of you and the core of you.

'What is wrong with me?' is a question attacking self esteem.

Do you feel like anything is wrong with you in other aspects of your life? If not, why would you suspect yourself to be somehow faulty here?

There are many many men out there who would tick all your boxes for 'husband material' except physical attraction. You're not faulty for not fancying them.

Don’t drag it out if it’s over.
But how about living apart for a while and dating ?

There's nothing cowardly about not wanting to hurt someone you obviously care for, so don't beat yourself up for that on top of everything else. It really isn't your fault if the attraction has died, painful to come to terms with for all concerned yes but not really anyone's fault, just a sad thing to happen.

That said I would want to be absolutely sure it was irretrievable in your position and I don't believe it always is when you feel the way you do. There have been times in my (20 year) marriage when I've had similar feelings and we have managed to get the spark back, although obviously you have to want to.

In our case it was almost always a build up of resentment causing the disconnect so dealing with the cause of that resentment was the first step to fixing it and then rebuilding attraction and intimacy followed fairly naturally. I also found the contraceptive pill killed my sex drive stone dead, that's why I asked about whether you were still attracted to other people. It was like that part of me that thought about whether people were attractive or not and related to them that way just completely shut down and that took longer and was much harder to come back from. I know you said you are still attracted to other people but thought it was worth mentioning.

It sounds like you need some time to be 100% sure in your own mind that it's definitely died so maybe Regularsizedrudy's idea about taking physical intimacy off the table for a while is the way to go? In the meantime addressing any inequalities and resentments between you would probably also help to clarify things and make a final decision easier. Could you give it a few more weeks if the prospect of intimacy was removed do you think?

What do you want your future to look like? When you imagine it is your DH there?

I’ve been with my DP for 26 years. Over those years there have been times when the thought of intimacy with him has repulsed me. Nothing wrong with either of us just life all being a bit much - too many others people to worry about and cuddle and carry. I chose to stick with it because I genuinely cannot picture life without him. He has always been my favourite person in the world and after a while the spark came roaring back. So…if that sort of reflects how you’re feeling and what you want for your future maybe give things another chance. If not, then you need to be honest with him now. He will be hurt but it will be worse if you let it drag on.

@limerencelarry - no, for me it never came back. I tried though, for the sake of our DC. I went through the motions for a few years but then the resentment built up, the love died and we split. I guess as a couple, we'd gone from being sexual partners to parents and were more like mates. People generally aren't attracted to their mates. He could be Brad Pitt to everyone else but if you don't see him that way, it's pointless.

Have you been wfh together op? Covid and lockdown has had this impact on a lot of couples. As you have now given him.a second chance, you might as well give it a bit of time while the world returns to normality. And try and spend some time together without the dc.

From personal experience, once it's gone it's gone. As sad as that is, it happens all the time. I was cowardly for a long long time because like you, dh was a gem. Loved him, still do. Ultimately though, if you're sure (and it's not because your head had recently been turned by some hot thing ) you rip the plaster off and stay firm.

Thanks for the replies.
I guess I feel like there's something wrong with me as (like these comments), I'm split between thinking it's completely over and there's no getting over the 'ick', then thinking maybe it's just a phase / stress / tiredness etc. I don't want to make a mistake either way.
When I picture my future I do picture DH by my side, that's what is driving me to give it another shot. BUT as I say then when it actually comes to being intimate, I feel totally off.
I think I will try and give it some time (6 months or so?), to really determine if it is a phase or not.
I have discussed sex being off the cards for a while, which DH has agreed to for now. I don't think he'd manage 6 months though, nor should he have to.
I just feel worried that I could end things, meet someone else in the future and just end up in the same situation.
But on the other hand, I shouldn't be so disgusted by the thought of sex with my own DH!

Whichever decision you make, there will be things that feel right about it and thing that hurt.

It's still better than living in limbo, wasting your time.

If you take sex off the cards, you'll just be happy that you're not feeling the pressure to have sex with him, which will perpetuate the problem.

This isn't a you v him situation. It's not you 'putting him through' something. This is a relationship problem for the two of you to solve together. Can't you talk through with him the different options available to you, as a couple? The emotions involved for both of you? The way you want to envisage the future together?

It sounds like you've gone off him, and you intend to 'deal with' that on your own, as if, left to your own devices, you might be able to force your feelings to come back. It doesn't work like that. He has to somehow become attractive to you again, and the responsibility for making that happen is as much on him (and whether he wants to) as it is on you.

"I guess I feel like there's something wrong with me as (like these comments), I'm split between thinking it's completely over and there's no getting over the 'ick', then thinking maybe it's just a phase / stress / tiredness etc. I don't want to make a mistake either way.
When I picture my future I do picture DH by my side, that's what is driving me to give it another shot. BUT as I say then when it actually comes to being intimate, I feel totally off.
I think I will try and give it some time (6 months or so?), to really determine if it is a phase or not.
I have discussed sex being off the cards for a while, which DH has agreed to for now. I don't think he'd manage 6 months though, nor should he have to.
I just feel worried that I could end things, meet someone else in the future and just end up in the same situation.
But on the other hand, I shouldn't be so disgusted by the thought of sex with my own DH!"

I think this is a very wise approach. It sounds like there's a lot that's very good about the relationship and worth preserving. You're right that you shouldn't have to feel disgusted at the thought of sex with your own husband and it may be that you won't be able to get beyond that and you will need to part. On the other hand, you and he are in a particularly demanding phase of parenting. It's very possible that the fancying is still there buried deep under a mound of other things and can be recovered, perhaps when your children are a bit older and you both have more time for yourselves and for other things and perhaps if and when you're able to spend a bit more time apart.

There is a real risk that you will end up in the same boat with someone else. There are people who are serially monogamous. But you might not. You might end up single which could be the right result for you. Or you might end up with someone for whom you feel a powerful attraction for decades but who might be less good for you in other ways or may be just as good for you in other ways (but no partner is going to tick every single box but, yes, ideally the sexual attraction box should be ticked). These are all complete unknowns.

Given how much is good about your current relationship and particularly since you have small children, as you have concluded, I think it is worth seriously testing, over an extended period of time, whether you can recover the necessary attraction within your current relationship. That way, whatever the outcome, you will know that you gave it your best shot.