I had a happy childhood growing up in my family.
When one of my sisters was around 15 she ended up in hospital due to an overdose. I have never been certain whether this was due to abuse of class A's or a suicide attempt as she refused to speak to us about any of it in the aftermath. My parents were never great at dealing with emotional subjects and from then onwards my sister was allowed to do anything she wanted regardless of how any of her actions would impact on others around her. This has not helped her in life as she is difficult to be around and cannot maintain longevity in friendships. Spending time in her company is like treading on eggshells waiting for an explosive reaction for which I will undoubtedly be blamed for.
My mum suddenly became seriously ill around 5 years ago. My child was 1. My family all lived in different parts of the country and wanted to be together to support Mum. We all stayed in the family home. Both me and my nice sister had young children who had just turned 1. My little one was later to be diagnosed with ADHD and has always been lively.
My sister had a very healthy maternity package from her work who enabled her to take as much time as she needed from work and had the support of her house husband. I am a stay at home mum, our family probably managed on a quarter of that my sister earns and therefore my husband was unable to take off indefinite time from work to support me while mum was ill and I wanted to spend time at the hospital.
It started with he visiting, nobody would keep the door shut to the room so I was constantly having to retrieve my youngest from the corridor. Every time he touched something I was scolded. None of my family were willing to take care of my child in the evening while he slept which would have enabled me to visit my mother's bedside without him. One weekend my husband was visiting me and I had an evening without the children, it was my opportunity to spend some peaceful time with my mother. My difficult sister also came. I have worked as a care assistant and have fed many people with no cause for alarm. I was feeding my mother liquids food on a spoon. Every time I dared to even move then spoon my sister would shout at me that Mum was not ready for more and I that I would choke her. The shouting about the feeding went on for around 30 minutes at which point I cracked and went to seek the support of a friend. It was clear that I was not ever going to be granted peace at my mother's bedside because if it wasn't my child's actions something else would be found to belittle me.
Eventually my mother in law agreed to take my child for a week while my husband worked, despite her disability making this very difficult for her. She lives in a different city near my husband and I's home so offering a few hours here and there would not have worked.
The day came when the doctors diagnosis came that mum would not make it and we likely has a matter of weeks left with her. I made my way to the hospital canteen with my difficult sister and my auntie. While in the question for the coffee my difficult sister exploded at the lady who was attempting to help her and screamed in her face that her mother was dying. I took both of our coffees, apologies to the staff and made my way to the table where she was complaining to my aunt about the server. The conversation turned to my child and what would be happening with him over the coming weeks to which I replied that he would be coming back at the weekend with my husband. My sister informed me that Dad could not cope with my child in the house even though my other sisters child was deemed absolutely fine and that I would have to make other arrangements. I found my Dad who also confirmed my child would not be allowed back in the family home as he was too difficult. I could not be indefinitely separated from my husband and child until Mum passed as the time period could have ween weeks or months. My auntie agreed to take me in and also said my husband and child were welcome. My home was a 5 hour round trip from the hospital.
That evening I packed my bags. Wishing a few hours I had been told mum was terminal and been asked to leave the family home for having a child. My sister who's family were allowed to stay held me as I broke down struggling to cope. My Dad was angry with me for leaving. He expected my husband to take indefinite leave from work, which we were not in the financial position to do. He laid guilt upon me as I packed my bags. Meanwhile my difficult sister went out with some friends to avoid me.
The next day at the hospital my difficult sister had another emotional outburst in the hospital ward, made my other sister cry and then demanded that I came to speak to her in private claiming that she has nothing to do with the request for me to leave the family home, clearly not true. I declined to speak with her and eventually had to leave the ward in respect of the other patient and families who were all also coming to terms with losses.
The weeks that followed were torture. My Dad would call to ask when I would be leaving the hospital so that he and my difficult sister could visit. He would not speak to me for longe than 2 minutes. At the times he saw me he would guilt trip me for wanting some space from my sister and would shout at me that it was his wife laying there as if my relationship with my mother had been meaningless.
This has continued for 5 years. I have not been allowed home for Christmas for 5 years, not have I seen my sister. I am expected to beg for her forgiveness and jump through whatever hoops she deems necessary to be part of the family. My auntie and other sister have been my silent support throughout and I am thankful to have independent relationships with them. I have spent time with my father and have attempted to keep things as light as possible with a focus on the children who he adores.
During COVID my sister left her flat in London to live with my Dad. I understood why this needed to happen my felt a sadness as I know that it would have an impact on my relationship with him and while she is there I would not be allowed in the family home.
As families have all been meeting post COVID my father remains terrified and will only meet outdoors at a distance of 2 metres. I am not allowed in the house because of COVID and my sister. He will not stay in a hotel. He will not camp. I suggested to him that if I was to camp near his house in the half term holidays would he like to spend some time with the children. This was met with 2 weeks silence so I asked for some clarification and said we would visit the beach if he was not available. The issue was the my nice sister was also planning to visit. He had not had the opportunity to ask my difficult sister whether she would find it acceptable for him to spend some time with his grandchildren and does not have the confidence to tell her that he has lived with her for a full year and would like to actually see his grandchildren this year.
I can't cope with the emotional pressure from him to conform the the demands of my sister who's behaviour I would describe as abusive. He can see no wrong in her and will back her every time she does something completely unreasonable. I am now at the point where my relationship with my father is really struggling as he makes everything conditional on doing what my difficult sister wants.
The emotional turmoil I go through with each turn of this saga is immense. I am emotionally drained. At times I have sought therapy hand have taken medication for anxiety.
None of my options are preferable:
- Apologies to my difficult sister for being subjected to her long term abuse and do as she pleases to be accepted back into the family unit
- Wait until spring to be reunited with my Dad when it is warm enough for a COVID secure activity when hopefully my sister has moved out.
- Cut my losses to be spared the constant emotional turmoil and get on with my life and feel tankful that I still have a wonderful sister and and Auntie.
What would you do?