I’m I right to be having feelings of trust and uncertainty?

[BridgetSS]

I have been dating a man who we are not Bf or Gf officially yet as I really do take my time with relationships no matter how good they are but
I am feeling abut stuck of how I feel about his back story / past. If anyone could elaborate any advice.
1st partner with for 3 years. They had a baby he left relationship when baby was 3-4 month old. The ex wife started proceedings for divorce against him.

2nd partner with for 8 years. They had a baby. The ex wife started proceedings for divorce against him.

He sees 1st partner child once a week overnight, but I would say he doesn’t seem very involved in any other way, he also lives approx 3 hours from his child which seemed odd to me as how can he be involved in school or daily activities or involved in a proper way. It is clear he isn’t involved in those types of ways however he has him overnight 1 night a week.

He doesn’t see his child from his 2nd partner. It is clear he isn’t involved in anyway.

He pays child maintenance through the government for 2 children to 2 different mothers however maybe I am wrong I assumed child support step in when a parent is either not paying or there is some sort of trust issues, like does the mother’s not trust him to have a informal financial agreement and with it being with the two women.

These are my thoughts and i don’t know if any is warranted but I do have concerns. Everyone has baggage I understand that however I really do not know if this settles with me right or how to approach it. Bouncing off some thoughts I thought may give me more perspective

I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t see his child if I were you

@Shoxfordian he sees the other first one from his first partner (once a week)
but he does not see the second one from his second partner

You're having doubts about him after he's told you what he wants you to hear, which might not be the truth.

Trust your instinct.

Why doesn’t he see the other one? He should be actively seeing and parenting both. He doesn’t appear to have much integrity unless there are some extremely extenuating circumstances

Do you want children yourself? I would run a mile if you do.

He pays child maintenance through the government for 2 children to 2 different mothers however maybe I am wrong I assumed child support step in when a parent is either not paying or there is some sort of trust issues, like does the mother’s not trust him to have a informal financial agreement and with it being with the two women.

While this is certainly the case with some parents, many parents go through the government to set up child support because they prefer it to be official and above board as opposed to informal. It is also easier to agree that what the government says you should pay is a reasonable amount instead of haggling back and forth. So it’s not always because the nonresident parent isn’t paying or can’t be trusted to pay.

Would you want a child with this man? If you do then the fact that he has left two prior partners pretty much as they gave birth, is a massive red flag. Also his minimal involvement in the children he does have. It indicates that he is not a family man and chances are if you were to become pregnant by him, he will leave you too.

So if you want children/more children, I don’t think this is the man for you.

However, if you don’t want children/more children and the relationship is just to be a couple, then he might be the man for you.

Women don't turf out decent men when they have kids with them, especially v young kids.

He's chosen to live 3 hrs from his eldest child.

He's choosing to not even see his second child. What sort of person could do that?

Toss him back, there are good reasons reasons he's swimming about loose.

You'll end up baby mama 3 if you settle with him, and hes already got two kids child maintenance coming out of his wages.

Well I think you have to ask yourself an honest question, do you think his past will sit comfortably with you long term?

I certainly wouldn't plan on having a child with him, as he doesn't appear to relish fatherhood or responsibility much.

I think you need to ask the questions that you need the answers to, certainly before you progress forward in the relationship.

@Shoxfordian he hasn’t mentioned the whys just that he doesn’t get on with his second ex and won’t go in-depth on it very much, he says she is difficult. The first ex doesn’t really interact with her much but it’s not exactly a friendly ex relationship just the feeling I got over last few months.

what extenuating circumstances could there be regarding his second child he does not see?

And everyone seems to be saying Along the lines of - is it right and if it’s sitting comfortably with me for the long term and I don’t think it is.

That’s what I’m worried I don’t want to be baby mama number 3 or even if I want any more children but even if I don’t want anymore children would it sit comfortably with me still? what would you do in my situation? I think everyone’s right I’m going to have to ask myself honestly and consider everything I just don’t want to make a mistake

[quote BridgetSS]@Shoxfordian he sees the other first one from his first partner (once a week)
but he does not see the second one from his second partner[/quote]
But you already know that two women have been left to raise children by him and two wives divorced him and you don't have their story for why. You know he has form for not sticking around. Does that sound like the best relationship material?

There was a thread on here recently, from a woman asking for advice about having a relationship with a man with 2 DC. I was horrified at some of the responses (basically, don’t “settle” for a man with kids…I think very different advice would have been given if it was a man asking!) I have 2 DSC and we all get on very well. HOWEVER, my DH is not, and never has been, a shit father. Personally, I would actively avoid a man who had no involvement in his children’s lives, it does not reflect well on his character

even if I don’t want anymore children would it sit comfortably with me still?

This reads like you already have children. Is that the case? He's clearly not the paternal type.

His children and exes aside (although very large, clear red flags), do you want a man who can't step into the stepfather role eventually?

[quote BridgetSS]@Shoxfordian he hasn’t mentioned the whys just that he doesn’t get on with his second ex and won’t go in-depth on it very much, he says she is difficult. The first ex doesn’t really interact with her much but it’s not exactly a friendly ex relationship just the feeling I got over last few months.

what extenuating circumstances could there be regarding his second child he does not see?[/quote]
It sounds like you have children.

Can you imagine not seeing one of them? Even if their father was difficult and you didn't get on with him?

He either left two different women when they had his babies who were still very little OR two different women left him when their babies with him were tiny, which means they will have had serious reasons for doing so eg he was an absolute arsehole / made no effort with the baby / both - women with brand new babies very rarely do this.

Either way, he doesn't sound like he's been a great partner or responsible, enthusiastic parent... despite two chances with different women...

Sounds like a rubbish prospect in my opinion.

@girlmom21 I think you’re right he isn’t the parental type ... he says the situation with his other child he doesn’t see are circumstantial, I don’t understand that what could be that extenuating circumstance on why properly

@youvegottenminuteslynn no you’re right I couldn’t imagine not seeing my children. Even if they were horrible or difficult the ex, but what circumstances is he talking about he won’t go into detail , I keep thinking if it’s that bad why didn’t he do anything officially about it or what could it be? Or if ex wife stopped him seeing his child you could get a court order it’s not expensive to apply to the court for contact , but he isn’t saying she stopped him seeing the child just that it was kinda for the best but I don’t really get what circumstance could that be to stop you seeing your child? As you say I have children , do you have children? Would anything stop you or a father seeing your kids seeing

Circumstantial, riiight.

As you say, even if his ex tried to refuse him access, he could seek it through court.

He clearly can't be arsed or knows for some reason (which is worrying) that he wouldn't get it easily or after all. Maybe he really doesn't want what would be exposed, exposed if he takes his ex to court for access. Not exactly encouraging for a relationship.

Whether you gave more kids or not, he doesn't sound like good relationship material.

@SleepingBunnies21 yeah that’s how he said circumstantial 🤷🏻‍♀️ (Ex is abusive and a ‘monster’) when he said monster it made my eyes peel open and the other child (the one he sees from 1st relationship) he moved hours away from and I can tell he appears to care about that child (appears) but in a very minimal way if that makes sense?

Yeah, that’s what I was thinking if he isn’t a good parental role model or even if I decide not to have more children it’s a thought of mine that maybe it isn’t right because the whole thing something just isn’t sitting right with me, my own kids father is involved very much a few times a week plus phone calls and facetimes and involved with school and we are not the friendliest at all but he is a good dad ...

"Women don't turf out decent men when they have kids with them, especially v young kids.

He's chosen to live 3 hrs from his eldest child.

He's choosing to not even see his second child. What sort of person could do that?

Toss him back, there are good reasons reasons he's swimming about loose.

You'll end up baby mama 3 if you settle with him, and hes already got two kids child maintenance coming out of his wages."

This.

@Dery yeah! This ^ that was a extremely good point

Sorry OP, I don't think there are any circumstances in which this guy could turn out to be a good man.

If there were, he would have told you.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....

Sorry, I think he sounds like a shit and I don't really think there's anymore to it.

You can do better.

@yourestandingonmyneck yeah you think not? This is why I had worrying thoughts from what has been discussed above. Yeah now that I have written and spoke to someone about it it’s does seem shitty doesn’t it? I just didn’t think or maybe want to make a mistake by going forward in a relationship really (from what’s been discussed above) I find it unusual

Ex is abusive and a ‘monster’)

Not a psycho ex, surely not!

I'd be very interested indeed to hear what the two mums of his kids gave to say about him.

Oh and if his ex is a monster, wouldn't he be extremely concerned about his child by hers welfare and upbringing??! Wpuldvt he be fighting tooth and nail to gain rights to ameliorate this monster's impact on his child?!

I think I smell the distinctive aroma of bullshit.

I think you're on the money OP. He might come across charming, good company etc but he's not got a good track record of integrity, treating people right, managing his responsibilities. He doesn't have a reason not to see his second kid (not sure what an example of a good reason from his POV would be, only ones involving safeguarding for the child if the parent was not safe to be around). However much he doesn't get on with the ex now, he could push for access through court. If she's a total monster, why wouldn't he be pushing for full custody?

If his attitude towards his own children is so patchy, do you really want him in your own kids' lives, even if you're not looking for a full stepfather figure immediately?

Trust your gut on this, I'd say.