Coping mechanisms needed to deal with negative DH

[eegh2120]

I'm new to Mumsnet so hope iv posted in the right section. Just wanted to know if anyone else was struggling with a highly negative partner right now and how they cope with it? My DH has entered into a spiral of negativity over the past few years and complains constantly about the house, his job, even having to socialise with other ppl. He never liked our old house due to not being able to keep up with DIY etc and used to say his problems would all resolve when we moved. We did move and now he wants to move again as he's found everything wrong with our new place. Little things like general DIY (fixing broken taps , spillages on the carpet etc) set him off on this negative spiral, hes always saying 'no one else has to put up with these problems' and he can't bare to stay in on a Sat morning as the house offends him so much. We don't live in squalor at all, ppl say they love our house, there's always clothes washing to do and obviously our two young boys make a mess but this is no different to normal family life. Seems to me as if he's deeply unhappy about something but taking it out on the house. His old career required complete routine and order, so maybe hes struggling with the chaos of family life. But he swears it's nothing to do with me and gets upset if he sees I'm fed up. Counselling to date hasn't helped, neither have anti depressants.He won't try meditation or self help books. Hes highly reluctant to look at changing to a better job. All came to a head yesterday when he'd been complaining and miserable all morning. I was upset about it as Im realising there's possibly no end to it all now. I ended up getting the time of a kids party wrong, turned up as it was ending and sobbed in front of the mums. I just feel like I need to develop some of my own coping mechanisms whilst he sorts his life out and gets back on track.

You do not have to try and keep on coping with him. You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

Do you further want your boys growing up within such a poor atmosphere and or for them to potentially behave like their dad does as adults?. He is doing this because he can and feels absolutely entitled to do so.

Its nothing to do with his job either (bet you a crisp tenner he behaves far better i.e normally around work colleagues) and I note too he does not want to get another job. This is all on him, its all to do with him and how he treats you and in turn his kids. He is treating you all with utmost contempt. I would have a look at his parents closely; chances are that one or even both of them act like he does now.

"Little things like general DIY (fixing broken taps , spillages on the carpet etc) set him off on this negative spiral, hes always saying 'no one else has to put up with these problems' and he can't bare to stay in on a Sat morning as the house offends him so much"

His reaction to such things happening is disproportionate and OTT. What happens with the broken taps and spillages; I presume its down to you ultimately to sort that out also because he likely sees that as your job (he may also think he is far too important to deal with such problems).

Many thanks for your replies. I should have said he is a very attentive loving father and he does help out in the house (he deals with his hate of the house by going on frequent tidying frenzies). I think he's obviously got some deep seated issues. It's the negativity and the constant complaining that are getting to me. I think your right though, he probably does see it as my job to keep the house tidy as I work part time from home. I do keep the tidying to a reasonable level, the house isn't bad at all. But it is hard when you have young kids to keep it spotless. He huff's and puffs and grumbles under his breath about things a lot. But won't ever tell me what he's said.

You could divorce him then you don’t have to listen to it anymore

Do you both have equal leisure time?

His issue is that he thinks you have more time than him to do all this stuff and it's somehow all your job

He huff's and puffs and grumbles under his breath about things a lot. But won't ever tell me what he's said.

I'm not surprised to read that.

My ex hated our house and also had highly disproportionate reactions to little things going wrong. It was extremely embarrassing if anyone witnessed it.

Have a think about other aspects of your relationship, is your husband controlling in other ways? There might be things that don't appear so at first glance but when you start realising what he's doing it becomes more obvious.

He is basically dissatisfied with all the normal annoying, relentless, daily aspects of being a grown up. With a perfectionist streak and very high standards ((the tidy binges). And a childish passive aggressive approach to dealing with all that (huffing under breath), whilst not so secretly blaming you.

You say it's spiralled over the past few years. Was he like this before and it's just more excessive? Was he like this before you had children? Has he always been a naturally negative person, a bit 'glass half empty' and it's just an escalation of that?

Also as Attila asked, how does he behave around other people - is he negative in outlook and irritated by them too?

It would be unusual to such behaviour to spring out of nowhere so I am predicting you will say yes he was always like this but that at the start it wasn't as bad/it didn't bother you as much. If it really is a major personality transplant from a certain period of time then can you identify anything that happened to trigger it? It's possible (but less likely) that he's got some sort of depression/disorder going on that means he is finding life overwhelming or pointless, but from what you describe that doesn't seem to be the case.

In which case it's probably an ingrained trait. He's aware of it but chooses not to resist or try to change. Even more so if he is not like it around others, so more indication it's something he can choose to control but doesn't around you. He's also not adjusting to the natural state of a hours with kids in it and all the extra tasks that go with them. My ingrained trait is to be messy, combined with a lazy streak when it comes to household chores. I control it as best I can, especially when living with others, and if asked by partner to tidy up then I do without moaning. That's my choice.

As for what to do about it, you could try a grown up Adult to Adult conversation where you calmly explain how you feel, what you need, and work together on solutions. But I suspect it won't work. Because that requires him to accept he isn't behaving logically or reasonably and to commit to change.

As for helping you cope, well in the short term you can find techniques to ignore him, pull him up when he's being ridiculous, let it wash over you more, live more separately to avoid the moaning etc. But that's not sustainable long term and hardly recipe for a happy long term life. For you or for your kids.

@Orgasmagorical

He huff's and puffs and grumbles under his breath about things a lot. But won't ever tell me what he's said.

I'm not surprised to read that.

My ex hated our house and also had highly disproportionate reactions to little things going wrong. It was extremely embarrassing if anyone witnessed it.

Have a think about other aspects of your relationship, is your husband controlling in other ways? There might be things that don't appear so at first glance but when you start realising what he's doing it becomes more obvious.

Thanks so much everyone. With regards to equal leisure time I am trying to encourage him to go to the gym, think that might help. Hes a teacher and I do wonder if he's suffering from a bit of burn out.

Orgasmagorical-thats exactly what it is. Highly disproportionate reactions. And so embarrassing when they do it infront of others!

Gerwurtztraminer "He is basically dissatisfied with all the normal annoying, relentless, daily aspects of being a grown up. With a perfectionist streak and very high standards ((the tidy binges). And a childish passive aggressive approach to dealing with all that (huffing under breath), whilst not so secretly blaming you" - Yes!! This sums it up perfectly! This is exactly what he is! A lovely guy but I think it's a terrible habit he's got into. He has always been a glass half empty sort of guy. He felt the military about 6 years ago and I think and maybe leaving that orderly lifestyle and coming home to the chaos of young children has been difficult to adjust to. I am going to try and have a heart to heart with him and tonight and see if I can get him to open up a bit. Thank you so much for the advice.

Honestly sounds like you just need to tell him you’re at breaking point, you like your house, you like your life, if he doesn’t then he can do something about it, but you don’t want to hear it anymore.
It hurts you that he clearly hates every second of every day of his life with you, and if that’s not truly the case it’s the impression he’s giving, so he needs to watch what he’s saying. If he actually needs your support with an actual issue he has, then you’ll be there for him, but if his issue is just that his life and his house aren’t exactly perfect, he needs to take therapy more seriously / grow up / or alternatively let you know he has no plans to shut up. In which case you may choose to leave him rather than subject yourself and DC to this.

Therapy is no good if he doesn’t accept that he is the issue, and antidepressants need to be the right dose and often aren’t enough alone. He has to recognise the issue here. At the moment, assuming he’s a good partner in all other ways, it sounds like he’s in a habit and just enjoying indulging in the negativity a bit.

I am married to your H OP— except we now no longer have a child at home— we have also moved 18 times in 25 years ! If it wasn’t something wrong with the house it was something wrong with the town/city. Basically I realised his problem was that he moved away and then never really had a friend circle locally as worked for himself, doesn’t like sport- he does have friends but scattered all over and none are local — I think men in this position (and there are plenty) then just tend to find dissatisfaction in everything - what they are actually dissatisfied with mainly is often themselves and life .

Can’t be bothered to read anything other than the title, BECAUSE I’ve read it on here a thousand fucking times

You will end up separating- depends when and how much longer you will live in misery.

And if the slim chance is you stay together. You will lay on your death bed wishing you had chose me differently