Marriage after infidelity - can it work?

[MrsNameChange12345]

Name changed for this thread. I understand I'm going to get a lot of stick for this

Long story short..it's been more than 2 and half years now. I had a short affair after being married to DH a year and a bit (been together 13 years) he's never been the romantic type anyway but we had started to drift apart after marrying and moving in. I'd gotten a new job meaning working awkward hours including weekends so it got to the point we didn't see each other that much and he'd go out with friends, I'd be out doing my hobby when we did have free time. I'd also lost a lot of weight and I felt amazing and sexy, but I didn't get the attention from him. Instead.. I got it from elsewhere and selfishly I cheated - which may I add I utterly hate myself for it now and it's been the biggest mistake and regret of my life!
DH didn't leave me, said he wanted to work through it. And it turns out he'd been "chatting to girls online" so he says.

It was tough in the early months but it has got better.. or so I thought. We've since had our first DC and life has been truly the best it's been for us, especially as a family. His angry outbursts have calmed right down over time but they still come out now and then.
Eg - Yesterday out of nowhere he starts. DC is in back of car. I'm called a whore, slag, hoe, dirty and a lot of other horrible things. This has really upset me and sent my over thinking mind into over drive, I've told him if he can't move on he needs to leave me because this happened a long time ago now and we've got a family, he needs to move on and leave the past in the past and right now I'm trying to be the best wife and mother I can be to make this work for us.
I know I did the worst thing imaginable and I shouldn't have done what I did but I can't change the past now I can only move on. I want to be with him more than anything but at the same time I'm thinking should I be the one to make the call and end this if it's never going to be right again??? Has anyone been in this position or got any advice

There's no justification for abuse. If he is staying he should move on and cease to treat you badly.

Yes, you have made a mistake but it was a while ago. I don't go into the blame game because the ones who cheat is at fault but I also think that if he was ignoring you, you must have had your reasons.

Do you think your oh is blaming himself and that's how it comes across?

Anyway he should not behave like this.

Huge apologies for typos!! I hope my post makes sense.

@Suzysunflower no I don't think he blames himself he doesn't see it from my side at all even when I tried to explain and when I bring up the girls he was chatting to he shrugs it off and brings it back to me being the worst person because he didn't go as far as I did which I totally accept.

When I told him yesterday to leave me if he can't move on from this he turned around and said no I'm not leaving my child! So now I dread to think he's just with me now because of our DC and he's been pretending this whole time to forgive me, love me and put it behind him?

I left my job and got a new one, I don't have my hobbies anymore, I'm off fb and IG and other social media because I know he doesn't trust me which is fair enough. I understand. And literally every spare minute I have i'm with him and doing family things now which are so lovely, when it's good it's great.
But he is still reverting back now and then and emotionally bullying me by saying these horrible things And I don't understand why anymore or what it's achieving for him??

It's abuse .. no matter who did the cheating .. the relationship is probably over at that point
Who can truly forgive , move on , let go , feel no anger or resentment ?

What you then do with that anger and resentment tips this into abuse - which is unacceptable from either side

He doesn't actually get to choose if you stay together but prepare this to get worse before it gets better

It takes between 2-5 years on average to recover from infidelity. I'd suggest these outbursts are his rather unhealthy way of dealing with his emotions when he is feeling triggered by your infidelity.

I think perhaps you need to have a sit down, grown up conversation about where he is at and what he wants from you. It's not fair for either of you to go on like this, and he needs to either accept that you're sorry and see the work you've done or call it quits.

Bloody hell, he does not sound like he's forgiven you. I had an affair 3 years ago, almost entirely my fault, too long and complicated to go on to now, but my husband had forgiven me totally and wherein a good place and we almost NEVER talk about it. You can't move on if it's still going to be brought up all the time!

You cannot stay with a man who calls you those things, especially with your child present. It's a level of contempt that seeps into a relationship and never really goes. Please don't make your child be around this dynamic any longer than necessary, it's so unfair on them.