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Original poster

I want more

11 replies

Dynamitedoughnut · 25/09/2021 21:09

I have been seeing a man for the past 2 months on a sort of friend with benefits arrangements, we haven’t been on any dates but we have got really close and recently told each other we love each other.
I want us to have a real relationship but I am nervous about bringing it up as I have a fear of rejection. He has said he likes us as we are and doesn’t want to spoil it by sticking with society norms. If he wanted a relationship he would have asked me by now wouldn’t he?
I have pulled back slightly to protect myself as I am scared he will hurt me. He has noticed and asked why. What do I tell him?
I feel like I should respect myself and deny we see each other anymore if he wants to continue having sex without commitment knowing I love him, as he would want commitment too, right? I am scared I will say this and he will leave. I don’t want to push him away when the possibility of a relationship may develop naturally over time without the pressure of me begging for one. I don’t want to be made a fool of either.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Womaninthistown · 25/09/2021 21:19

Hold up… you’ve said you love each other but this man clearly does not want a monogamous relationship with you. Why are you doing this to yourself?

I’ve never known a fwb situation develop into anything else. Why buy the house when you can live there for free?

TurnUpTurnip · 25/09/2021 21:21

This is why I don’t do FWB!

thesearelaughterlines · 25/09/2021 21:26

How can you love each other when it's been 2 months of FWB
No real life joys or challenges

You need to give your head a wobble before you get hurt
Why buy a book when the library is free ?

seensome · 25/09/2021 21:45

It's a false bond as you've been intimate, don't let yourself get tied to him, when you're not looking for anyone else he is all your focusing on, date others and you will find someone that does want a relationship

Original poster
Dynamitedoughnut · 25/09/2021 22:01

Is it manipulative to ask for a relationship or no sex? We have a great friendship we have known each other for years and see each other daily so it has developed into love, but I agree he sees that he can get the privileges without the label so why would he. I don’t want to give up just yet, but how do I word it?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/09/2021 22:04

"I'm not comfortable having sex if we aren't in a relationship. I thought I would be but I'm not, so I think it's best we are just friends and if you are sure you don't want us to be in a relationship now then I would like you respect that. I understand if you don't want to be friends only. Equally I don't want to be friends with benefits, I would like a relationship and don't feel comfortable continuing to have sex if we aren't in one."

But honestly, I would walk away. You'll always be hoping for more and he has been clear he doesn't want what you want. It's a recipe for heartbreak on your side.

Womaninthistown · 25/09/2021 22:05

It’s the opposite of manipulative to tell him what you want but you have to stick to it. Simply say he means a lot to you and that you want a relationship together. Then be together or end it & move on from this sad limbo.

I suspect he knows what you want so I’d argue he’s not truly a friend to lead you down the garden path but of course I have only read your posts.

Original poster
Dynamitedoughnut · 25/09/2021 22:14

Thank you

OP posts:
seensome · 25/09/2021 22:24

Better to be a bit more demanding than being taken for a ride

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 25/09/2021 22:47

Withholding sec just to get him to commit to a relationship would be a foolish attempt to drive someone's choices. All that would happen is he'd leave, or, worse agree just to get the sec but not really mean it. So it'd be daft. You can't hold someone to ransom to change their heart.

But that's not what you're doing! You just want a perfectly reasonable thing which is to have a real life relationship with someone you love. He's got you tired up in knots that this is just some kind of social construct that you only want because that's the normal way and you're conforming. That's bollocks though, it is human nature to want to share a rounded life doing a range of things with someone you love. The reason it's socially normal is cos humans are built that way. It's only the advent of birth control that has allowed us to uncouple our sex life from the rest of our daily existence so that it can be just play only. But for the vast majority of human existence that's not been true so we have evolved to want a committed partner and to form strong bonds through sex. That's not confirming to social norms that's just being a natural human.

It's OK for you to want something and for him to not want to give it. It's OK for you to end your relationship with him because he can't give you what you want.

ErrmWTAF · 25/09/2021 23:25

So much of your text is "I don't want to drive him away"-type thoughts, but take a moment and rephrase the question: what has he done to /not/ drive /you/ away? You get a vote, too, ya know. Grin

Is being treated like a non-committed casual shag what you want [from this guy]? If not (and it sounds like it isn't), walk away. If he really does miss you enough to change, he will. Even then, I'd be cautious that he's not just giving you lip service (the non-fun kind, I hasten to clarify) 🤣

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