I'm 22, terrified to lose my parents and regret moving far from them. Can I ever get over this?

[CircularCircle]

Apologies for the downer of a topic, but the past year has been hell for me. Every few days I have a mini meltdown just thinking about one of my parents dying.

I moved away for uni four years ago and have gradually got worse re the distance from my parents. It's about 2.5 hours travelling for me, though if (and hopefully when) I got my driving licence, it would take 1.5 hours.

My mum doesn't drive and can't use public transport, and whilst my dad drives, he only has one day off work a week. I'm about to start a full time job here and so meeting up will be extremely difficult.

However, my contract is only for a year. I would adore staying with the company if I had the chance, but it's so painful being far from my parents, especially considering they both have underlying health conditions.

My partner's parents live fairly close and he (sometimes we) sees them about 5 times a week, and honestly, I am beyond jealous and fairly envious.

I've toyed with the idea of moving back home for a while - but my new job and partner make it feel like I'd be throwing away a perfectly good job and property. I'm so torn.

Hoping to hear if anyone has any words of wisdom? I haven't spoke to my parents about this as I don't want to put a downer on them.

This is not a normal level of anxiety especially if you’re only 1.5 hours away by car when you get your licence. You could see them every weekend or every other weekend.
Of course it’s awful to think about parents dying. But it is a fact of life.
If this anxiety is crippling, it might be worth thinking about a bit of counselling

I have had this fear since I was 7, especially as DF works in a hazardous occupation. What really helped was acceptance and treating each day in my mind as though it might be their last. So now if I want to call them I do, I stay in touch, and then although I lived 2-3 hours away in my 20s I made a move nearer in my 30s and I enjoy their company whenever I can. Do you have DC? Having them was also healing as it made me realise that them dying before me would one day be the natural order of things, and now I’m anxious about the pain it would cause them if I died first! But still the best way forward is acceptance that death comes to us all, and planning how to make the most of what you have in a way which isn’t unhealthy for anyone.

Why do you think about them dying? How old are they? Are they in poor health?

Honestly I would move back. I live a long way from my family and the longer you live away the harder it is to move. It sounds like homesickness. Made worse with covid. Hope it turns out well for you

Are your parents really old or really ill?

Being blunt, one day your parents are going to die. Everyone’s are. But you need to accept that this is an inevitable fact of life - I don’t think this is a very healthy way to feel for a 22 year old. I’m sure your parents would want you to be living your own life and not being preoccupied about them.

Have you ever had any therapy for your anxiety? It sounds like these thoughts are overtaking your life and it would be helpful to learn to manage them. It sounds doable to see your parents every week if that’s what you want, but even that seems an excessive amount to me!

Do they have life-limiting illnesses that may necessitate them needing help? That may chance my answer a bit but I still think dealing with your anxiety is the most important thing here

I don't know if this will help OP, but I decided some years ago that dying is an act of love that each generation makes for its grandchildren and great grandchildren, to make room for them and enable them to live their lives. There is a time when it feels right, if you live that long. Hope that doesn't sound trite, but ill health in early life helped me to come to that conclusion. 💕

I think you’re overthinking it if they’re not ill. It’s normal for 22 year olds to not see their parents 5x a week.

Move back and look for a job locally. Just do it. You are your own woman -if your realationship is strong enough he will come and see you and vice versa.

I feel very similar, I'm 26 and my parents are mid-late 60s. I live just under 2 hours away. I moved for uni and stayed in my uni town. I miss them terribly but my job is here and I don't like my home city much.

If I were you I'd prioritise getting my driving licence and a car. 1.5hrs is nothing - easily done in a day. You might not be able to pop round after work for a cuppa as your partner does with his, but there's no reason why you can't visit every weekend if you want to. The occasional thought about losing your parents is natural and normal, especially if they have health conditions that mean it could happen with little warning, but you need to watch your level of anxiety. Are you worried about being left to stand on your own two feet? To make your own home and not have any backup? All normal worries for someone fresh out of uni and finding their independence. But don't let these worries consume you and lead you to quit a job that you might regret losing.

Every few days I have a mini meltdown just thinking about one of my parents dying

I would consider therapy and visiting your GP.

Some people are just close-knit with their families, but your separation anxiety is almost like what I would expect from someone in the mid-teens, or almost like the high anxiety some mothers have around their children.

Are you on medication or have some sort of trauma in your past?

It's best that you look into this now rather than later. If you have plans to have children one day, my fear is this is what you'll be like with your them, and it will come at a massive cost to their emotional health and growth. A child cannot breathe if it has no room to breathe, and you cannot be there every single step of the way. To do so is to put them in a soft-padded prison.

If you have plans to have children one day, my fear is that this is what you'll be like with them*

Hi all. I didn't expect so many replies, thank you.

To answer a few common questions:

I had counselling during uni, though not for this topic. I felt that it really did help, and I will take on board the advice and actively look for a new counsellor to address this.

My parents do have underlying health conditions, and my mum has had her fair share of health scares.

First things first is to get my licence before the end of my contract, to see if having a more accessible way to visit home would heal in any way.

I suppose I just have to keep busy. I have a couple of weeks before my job begins, so I'll have to fill that time with a schedule that doesn't allow me to consistently dwell on the inevitable.

I appreciate the variety of opinions. Very glad I finally asked for words of wisdom.

Speaking as a mother and grandmother, and recently having lost my husband, I can honestly say that I would hate it if one of my children were worrying about me in this way - or contemplating curtailing the good life they have achieved for themselves because of this worry.

May I suggest that you look at it from the other side? I am proud of what my DDs have achieved, and happy to see them establishing their own lives and families. This is the gift that we have given them. And I enjoy seeing them when possible, whatsapping, seeing photos of what they are up to, supporting them when needed .... their lives a re a joy to me.

Two of my DDs live locally, but one lives further away. We manage to keep in touch and I respect her choice to live where she does. We meet up half way (sometimes to go to concerts together) and chat on the phone - and have 4 way chats with all the family.

They (and I of course) have had to watch their Dad die - it was a painful time of course, but it is the way of the world and we shared the grieving and the caring.

I do think that you should consider counselling (as others here have advised) as I believe that your degree of anxiety over this is not normal and is out of proportion. Ask yourself how your parents might feel if they knew you were contemplating leaving the good life you have made for yourself and leaving partner, home, job because of them. I would be horrified if I was one of your parents. You are the future; do not step backwards. Give them the joy of seeing you make your way in the world successfully.

My DD is at a uni which is approx 2.5 hour drive away from us. She loves it, has built a new life and is talking about getting a job and staying there when she graduates. Just like you.

Don't move home for your parents - you really aren't that far away and you sound like you're thriving there, other than this anxiety. Get help for that rather than going home. I'd hate my DD to give up her plans for us.

Wise words from Mischance

You are 22 and finished university during one of the most difficult times in the whole of human history. People are struggling to survive. Furlough schemes are about to end. During all of this you managed to finish Uni AND get a job. That is amazing. My DD has had to stay on at Uni because she can’t find a job. Do not give up your job. A year of experience is money in the bag. Doing well and networking and taking on extra training over the next year should be your one and only focus for the next year. Get your driving licence. Organise to meet your mum in a city like London once a month? Plan a fun weekend. Go somewhere so it’s an hour by train for both of you? I think your anxiety might be coming from your partner. Seeing his parents 5x a week at his age isn’t the norm! You guys should be seeing friends. I didn’t even see friends that much at your age.