Just had 2nd child. Live together. Don't see eachother.

[Lottiebugz22]

Hi everyone,

I have just had my 2nd child a week ago. I also have a toddler. My partner is on paternity leave. It seems like I am with the baby and he is with our toddler at the moment. I am making time for my toddler as well as the baby but my partner is just focussed on our toddler. He isn't really spending any time with the baby and doesn't do any of the night feeds or getting up to change nappies and general care of the baby. Our toddler goes to bed at 7pm and he stays downstairs watching tv/playing computer games while I look after the baby and then go to bed with the baby. He doesn't come to bed. He stays downstairs on standby in case our toddler wakes up which isn't very often. I'm not sure why he doesn't want to contribute to his new daughter or support me. I'm also recovering from a c section. I'm feeling fine and healing well but I'd just like hos input! Could he have a bonding problem? I've asked him this and he says no he's got to look after our toddler though but why can't we just do it together? I don't understand and not sure what advice I'm looking for. Has anyone else experienced this?

And what's he said about thus? Have you talked to him?

Did he want this second baby or was it an unplanned pregnancy?

Yes the baby was planned he was even the one who initiated trying for another baby. He just says he needs sleep to look after our toddler during the day and no point us both being sleep deprived. I also look after our toddler though during the day whilst sleep deprived. I'm just totally confused as to why he's seperated himself so much from us.

I think a lot of men (mine included) cannot connect with newborns.. they seem to come out of it when the baby is a bit older and more playful.. i dont know why. Mine is a wonderful father but was shit through all the newborn stages with every child

@Lottiebugz22

Yes the baby was planned he was even the one who initiated trying for another baby. He just says he needs sleep to look after our toddler during the day and no point us both being sleep deprived. I also look after our toddler though during the day whilst sleep deprived. I'm just totally confused as to why he's seperated himself so much from us.

Was he very different with your first?

Yes totally hands on with our first.
He's just said to me that he didn't realise how hard looking after a toddler 24/7 is and he's exhausted. I don't know if that's the only reason as I am also looking after her....it's making me feel really down. He's very snappy with me also.

I'm sorry OP, that must be hard to deal with on top of caring for new baby. I'm afraid I don't have much insight.

He sounds stressed and maybe a little depressed. Ask him to see his doctor. Family life with two infants is hard work though.

My ex did this too. It wasn’t a good sign for the future either. I had to do all the drop offs and pick ups to clubs etc. It stayed that way until we divorced when the DC were 15 and 16.
He has no relationship with either of them now!
I’m sorry but it sounds like he’s being a selfish arse and taking the easy option while leaving you with a newborn and sleep deprivation. I would have to say something.

Congratulations on your new baby. I mean this kindly but it's probably a huge adjustment and you're both dealing with it differently (ie he's being a grumpy ass and withdrawing you're wanting to connect!). Keep talking and be specific about what you him to do maybe?

Father's are a spare part when it comes to new borns, right from conception in fact. It's all about monther and baby for the first few weeks at least, if not the first 6 months. It sounds like he could be more supportive, but he probably just sees it as being more practical for him to focus on your toddler while you focus on the baby. Maybe he's doing that to make sure your older child doesn't feel left out (like he is probably feeling himself)?

no point us both being sleep deprived

Well that's quite selfish.

Maybe he could be a bit more sleep deprived so you could be a bit LESS sleep deprived?
On account of recovering from major surgery?