My husband and I are going through a very protracted separation, very on/off over the past 6 months. I have maintained throughout that I would like to try to work on things, I insisted on counselling (he didn't engage), and have been willing to make significant compromises.
He has been behaving badly for around a year, going out a lot, neglecting his share of household responsibilities, and generally being a poor excuse of a parent. I don't think he's physically cheated but he has pursued other women (I checked his phone... I know, I know!)
I have been more tolerant than I ever expected, partly because I desperately want things to work out but also because I genuinely think he is suffering some mental health issues. He did eventually accept some counselling (more mindset coaching really) when it got to the point where he was sending me messages that I interpreted as suicidal. He has not continued after the first 5 sessions, though he says he will. He ticks every box for male depression symptoms but won't accept that he might be depressed. He has no support network as he isn't honest with anyone about our issues or his own. His friendships are, in my opinion, superficial - he has fun with his friends but they are all new to him and they don't know the details of his life and he hasn't confided in them about anything. He has avoided speaking to his brother, who does know more about the whole situation.
Throughout, he has been very inconsistent, often saying he wants to work on things but always failing to actually do so. He has admitted that he has not really tried at all.
We are now at breaking point and I just don't know what to say to the children. They are 6, 4, and a baby. The baby doesn't need anything explaining, obviously! But I just don't know where to start with the older two. He has been living separately for months but spending some nights at home, and they think he has just been working away.
To complicate matters, I think he is unlikely to see them more than once a week to begin with and I don't know how long it will take us to figure out any further access. I don't think his set-up is suitable for them to stay so he will have to come here to see them, which is far from ideal for me but better for the children, I think.
I think I will struggle to maintain a civil relationship with him, for many reasons, but I am aware this should be a priority for the sake of the children.
Where do I start when it comes to talking to the children? Aside from marital issues (which the oldest is sure to have picked up on), they have also changed schools this year and are still online so haven't actually met their teachers or classmates, we spent a big chunk of our summer isolating due to positive results, we are still in semi-lockdown, and they haven't visited family since before covid (we live abroad), so they haven't had an easy time in other respects, either.
Any advice? Please don't be mean! Ideas as to what to say/how to say it or any general tips to stop me losing my shit in front of them when their dad is here would be really appreciated.