Mother in law difficult

[Callo1234]

So my partners mother has never paid much attention to my children, my oldest son was born in Jan 2020 before lockdown started, she visited once, then lockdown was the excuse to never visit again seemingly.

Now 18 months old my son has never known his grandmother, in this time I've had another child who's 7 months old. Yesterday she called and said she wanted to see the kids, I said that would be great, but she then specified she couldn't have both of them as they were 'too difficult together' so I said 'okay, which would you like to see first?' She then said she'd have the younger one ONLY as my older son was to hard to look after she wouldn't have him.. there's no behavioural problems or disabilities with my older son and he does as he's asked, if told no he'll stop, he walks, eats really well so I don't understand what her problem with him is.

She said she'd call in the morning to organise having my younger son but hasn't bothered..
Just don't understand why she chose to make the issue over the boys in the first place, when she didn't bother to have either of them anyway.

Why did she want to take them? I wouldn't be handing my dc over to someone who has only seen them once, and the baby never. If your partner wants to encourage a relationship between the dc and his mother then let him visit her. Or let her come to your house for a visit. There's no need for her to take either of them off on her own.

Seems really rude. Does she have a disability which would make looking after a toddler difficult or some other reason she's reluctant?

Is she wanting to take your baby off by herself? I wouldn't let her since she has no relationship with them. I would suggest she visits you all/ or you all visit her with her son there.

Nope. She needs to get to know them before she looks after them without someone they know present. To begin with I would expect short visits, for a cup of tea or trip to the park, happening as often as you can tolerate her. It would be after much time spent together regularly that I would even begin to consider her having either one of them without without a parent also being present.

Why are you handing your children over to someone they dont know!

She can come to your house to start with for an hour or s9 t9 meet then and build up the relationship
Or she doesn’t

They're dad hasn't been here, so when she realised I've been on my own with 2 young children she offered to have the younger one to give me a break for a bit.

No disability, she's in her 60's but relatively healthy, she drives, lives alone in a 2 story house, looks after her garden ect..

I understand 2 of them alone may be hard for someone who's not used to them.. but still, just they're not bad kids at all, they pay attention as much as any children their age.

I'd say no. She suddenly crops up and shows an interest and then seems to favour one over the other? Sorry nope. Nobody is going to give my dcs a complex.

She should come to your house and see both of them at yours. If she starts to show favoritism then she can't come again.

Protect your dcs from any toxicity.

Okay, I know, sorry, I didn't look at it like that.. just thought a grandparent would want to be in their lives, just said yes when it was offered, knew in the back of my mind she wouldn't do it, would prefer it if she hadn't offered in the first place.

If she calls again tell her she's either in or out and that you won't put up with her letting the kids down by making promises to spend time with them and then changing her mind. She would need to spend time getting to know them in your company before she takes them off on her own. Unless you know her well, she's effectively a stranger to you and is definitely a stranger to the kids. If your partner is not on the scene and she's already being flaky I wouldn't bother encouraging a relationship at all tbh.

@Callo1234

They're dad hasn't been here, so when she realised I've been on my own with 2 young children she offered to have the younger one to give me a break for a bit.

What does this mean? Where is he?

She's not been in their small lives this entire time..😳

now she is dictating which child she prefers to share time with... 🤣

Fuck and Off would be my starting point 😂

He isn't the best at being the dad, so we broke up, he's moved into his friends and hasn't seen them for over a week, says he's been ill..

Haha straight to the point! Think this will be my way forward, maybe a bit more subtle haha

Absofukinglutely not op. If the dad can't be bothered then neither can you be bothered about the grandma. You don't facilitate bullshit. If she wants to get to know both, then she comes to your house under your supervision.

When you know she is a safe as houses, perhaps then would you let her have unsupervised visits. Not before

I'd be saying " my children don't know you , you are a stranger , if you'd like to visit us here , you are welcome as long as pre arranged , perhaps if you have regular contact you might like to increase contact and the children could visit your home but let's see how it goes ? "

Otherwise she can piss off

I would suggest she comes round for a coffee, and to meet the children properly. When she's got to know them a bit better, then she might be happier babysitting them at your house... but honestly, grandparents don't need exclusively sole care of children to "bond".

I wonder why she wants to see the kids, and only your youngest child at that, now.

I would not facilitate any form of contact as conditions have already been applied by her. It also sounds like a case of like mother, like son I,e both awful towards you in different ways.

Yes. Make sure she recognises your conditions. Your children. Your lives. Their safety.

She cannot dictate anything to you. Don't let her.