Marriage counseling success stories?

[VHLV]

Hi everyone. It’s never a short story but I’ll try to make it as short as possible. Been married for 10 years. My DH is an introvert, many people think he’s got Asperger but I don’t think so. He is very successful at his job and has contributed more money than me throughout the years. We got two kids but I’ve been contributing money throughout our marriage because he wouldn’t be happy with me as a SAHM. That meant I never had a proper maternity leave which is fine but probably took it’s toll on me. My problems throughout our marriage have been the same: he doesn’t like my parents and other people for that matter; he doesn’t do any house chores or any childcare at all; he’s disinterested in kids although we wanted the kids together; he expects me to work/cook/clean/sort out everything kids related while he is “unwinding” after work (focusing on his hobbies). I know I am not an easy person myself and he earns much more than me but I feel he is a little bit manipulative and harsh as every time I ask him for help or ask him to be nice to my parents he gets irritated and tells me to leave him alone or find a new husband (I’m just politely paraphrasing). I was wondering whether a counseling might work?

I would say it works if you BOTH want it to work and are both prepared to change behaviours that are negatively impacting your relationship.

The man you're describing doesn't sound like he wants to do that.

If I were you, I'd take him up on his invitation to find a new husband. It sounds like you're practically a single mum anyway, you could well find that your life is so much better without him!

Just been through it and split but counselling works by making you happier... If that's together or apart that's okay. At least want couseller says.
Were going to do keen going so we Co parent well and help the dc. It's not a bad thing but helps you see if it can be worked on or not.

Joint counselling is certainly not recommended here. If you have counselling go on your own, you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

There are some red flags re your H too here re abuse (not least his overall attitude re you and money, your lack of a maternity leave and lack on interest in your children) so I would call his bluff and separate from him entirely. Seek legal advice re separation and divorce, knowledge after all is power. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are also not a rehab centre for this badly raised man.

Have counselling for you and lose this waste of space husband

Counselling can't change someone's personality. Especially when they don't want to change. So no, it won't work.

How do you know you're not easy to live with? Is that what he tells you? Its highly unlikely to be true. You're currently putting up with a lot of crap. A "difficult" person wouldn't be doing that. They'd be having an epic tantrum.
Your husband is an arse. ASD is irrelevant. That would be a separate issue.

It's not ok that you had no maternity leave. There are two opinions in a marriage and it sounds like your true opinion (as opposed to the opinion he wants you to have, which you've convinced yourself "isn't that bad") wasn't considered.

Even if you weren't working at all he should still share house chores and childcare, otherwise you're 24/7 on duty with no time off and no retirement. Which isn't reasonable. The fact he works more hours or brings in more money doesn't make him more important than you.

He's telling you who he is (leave me alone or fuck off for good). You need to listen. And realise you can't change someone else or their behaviour.

IMO by the time someone start thinking about relationship counselling it's already doomed. Decent people who don't treat others like shit don't need relationship counselling because they're able to talk to each other and either sort out their differences coming to some kind of mutually agreeable compromise, or at least one of them can see that splitting up is the only way because they want different things. I honestly think it's only people on the receiving end of some useless wankers behaviour wo think about relationship counselling. The useless wankers themselves never want to instigate it. And people who aren't useless wankers, and are not in the receiving end of a useless wankers, don't need it. So if you go for counselling, go for yourself with a view to straighten out what constitutes reasonable behaviour and what doesn't, in your own mind. Rather than a counselor where the focus is on staying married. How to stay married isn't the question you should be asking. You should be asking why you'd want to, when this is who you're married to. Counselling can change you and you can fix the faults in yourself that are keeping you putting up with this disrespectful unreasonable behaviour from him.

Joint counselling is not safe and should not be conducted where there is any amount of abuse in a relationship, so no.

Joint counselling is designed to fix an issue you both want to be resolved - it literally required you both to understand there is a problem and want to fix it.

It doesn't seem to me that this man, who has been happy to treat you like his staff for years and have you do everything while he does what he wants, is going to see that as a problem that needs changing - he's going to see it as a status quo he wants to preserve.

I hope I'm wrong and he's had a huge realisation that he's treated you badly for a very long time and he sincerely wants to change and is remorseful, but unless he wants to change, taking him to counselling is going to be you doing 99% of of emotional work needed while he refuses to accept there's an issue.

You're here on the internet trying to find ways to fix this broken mess as though it's something you can fix - it's not. All he needs to do is be better. But he doesn't think it needs fixing clearly or he'd do it.

I'm sorry OP. You deserve better than this man.

No counselling won't work.

What's in it for him to change?

Currently he has you doing everything at home, housework and kids, plus bringing in some of the household money and he doesn't have to bother doing anything or talking to anyone he doesn't want to, and shuts you up by acting the Big I Am because he's better paid than you.

If he changed, he'd have to put some effort in at home, with the kids, with your family.

But he's a lazy nasty fuck, so he won't want to do that.

What makes you think he cares that you're not happy or that your homelife is deeply unfair and unbalanced or that he'd be interested in giving up the way it benefits him to keep it like that?

Thank you very much for all your opinions. Somehow I feel that he isn't bad and maybe I'm being unreasonable. I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe I take some time to find out what I want and take it from there.

@VHLV

Thank you very much for all your opinions. Somehow I feel that he isn't bad and maybe I'm being unreasonable. I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe I take some time to find out what I want and take it from there.

Probably because he tells you how lucky you are and your self-esteem is low?

Depends on your idea of 'success'. My marriage councelling showed me that he was never going to change and that either I accepted my life as it was forever or left the marriage. We're now separated and my world is a better place. I see that as success, but not the outcome I went into it for.

I would say that he never really tells me I'm lucky to have him. My self-esteem is probably low for other reasons and that lead me to a husband like him.

@VHLV

I would say that he never really tells me I'm lucky to have him. My self-esteem is probably low for other reasons and that lead me to a husband like him.

It happens Low self-esteem can be fixed. If you try to work on that while you're still with him, you'll notice him undermining you (or trying to!), dragging you back down, and his behaviour escalating if doing it subtly doesn't work. So keep your eyes open.

@FluffyWhiteBird thank you, it's a brilliant piece of advise 🙏🏻