I need some perspective on this please

[SesameBagel]

I'm female and work shifts. My ex is male and does not. We have a DS together and currently live together. I finish work at 2 am and get a couple of hours sleep before I then get up with DS (1 yo) around 5.30/6 am. He then goes to nursery (which I pay for) so I can sleep a bit longer. The other day I worked until 5.00 to help out. I got home and sorted DS out until he went to nursery. By this point I had been up since 10.30 the previous day, looked after DS until he went to bed and I went to work and then did a 10.5hr shift. My ex wouldn't sort DS out as I had chosen to work until 5.00 and then was on rest days. Is he being selfish or would this normally happen? Most of my colleagues are male so their situations are different.

You haven't said when he works? Or when you say you work shifts and he does not do you men he doesn't work at all?

Sorry. He does work - starts at 8 am.

How much does he contribute to the household in terms of housework and childcare?

Does he literally get up and just go to work, doing nothing with your child in the mornings?

I ideally just wanted an idea on this particular situation.

Housework/childcare falls to me probably about 90%.

Yes @category12 that's correct re mornings unless I'm at work.

It doesn't sound like he's a team player or like he considers your child together his responsibility.

Does he resent you working? Why is it you paying for nursery - surely that should be a joint expense?

And yes, he's selfish af on this one situation for not stepping up when you've been working those hours on so little sleep.

He was being selfish.

I know most of us have to work hard to earn money but please take care of yourself.
You need to take it easy (or easier) or you will make yourself ill / burnt out. Take care

I have no idea if he resents me working. He would not accept me not working though. He wouldn't contribute to my lower paid & unpaid portion of mat leave. I saved my money so I could take a full year etc. We pay 50/50 for the house etc. I pay all the nursery fees because his mum said she'd have him and I wanted him to go to nursery so it falls to me to pay.

I honestly feel like I've lost myself these last couple of years and everything is taking its toll. Because of this I'm pretty sensitive to every situation which i know isn't right.

Ah, so because you "chose" to work extra hours, he won't step up to support you to punish you.

And because you didn't want to accept the free childcare from his mum, he's punishing you by not paying his share of childcare.

And he would have preferred you went back to work asap after having your child together, so wouldn't help financially with extended maternity leave.

Are you sure he's the right person to be having a family with?

it doesn't sound like you're on the same page about things. And he sounds an uncompromising arsehole really.

My first thought would be how sustainable is it to work those hours on so little sleep full stop? You sound at risk of serious burn out. Can you not scale those hours back a bit for your own wellbeing?

Do you both earn the same amount to be paying 50/50?

You need to stop living together.

Is your job sustainable as a single parent who has custody? Could you do 50/50 time split and would you be able to get set shifts for when your ds is with your ex, or would he not want to have your ds if you live separately? (You would have to accept his choice of childcare on his time btw).

You need to talk about how living separately would work.

Yes and no. I earn less because I work PT (30 pw average). He works full time but is self employed. If I were full time we'd earn similar. But my outgoings are higher because of child care costs.

This is one of the reasons I'm leaving. He won't leave the house so I'm having to. It just makes me want to cry. Everything I've worked hard for and I'm left with nothing. I'm still going to have to pay the mortgage without even living there.

@MargosKaftan I honestly don't know. I hope so. Between my ex and my mum I'd like to think I can continue my job as I love it and it pays well. I won't be able to earn similar and I won't get any child maintenance so I'll be screwed if I don't. If it was court ordered I believe my work will allow me to work round child care access.

Sorry OP.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about the house? Will you be able to force a sale or can he buy you out?

Yes spoken to a solicitor and I can force a sale if either of us can't buy the other out. Ideally I don't want to have to take this route.

So you'd rather work like a slave paying for a house you don't live in instead? That's bonkers. Free yourself and your money. Force the sale.

OP,

Get on to women's aid please.

Don't allow him to abuse you like this.

What a nasty piece of work.

Stand up for yourself.

Get advice.
Force the sale.

Move away and on from this.

Value yourself, you deserve better than that nasty prick.

Keep posting.