Women’s Advice Required

[BravestAtom]

Advice needed….
I have split with my on-off partner of 6 years for the final time but probably at the worst time.
It was a very toxic relationship from both sides, we both had a child from a previous relationship, she’s 100% I’m 50/50 parent ship, having mine around would cause big issues, I’d argue and go distant as I wouldn’t push my child out which usually ended up with her cheating on me. This was the cycle, I’d argue, she’d cheat, I’d be made to feel like it was my fault repeat cycle.
Well we had a fling early this year and she fell pregnant. All seemed good for the first few months, scans went good, plans were positive. Had a private 17 week gender scan and spoke about telling the kids and that’s where it fell apart, I ordered the cannons and balloons to tell both kids but realised my daughter wasn’t allowed to be there.
Argument happened
Found out the baby wouldn’t be taking my surname, I wouldn’t be allowed to include my daughter or family without going through court etc. and all this was apparently obvious so I had no right to moan about it. I obviously dug my heels in and said I’m not palming her off and I got accused of being a peado because I always have my daughter around me.
As soon as that was said, something broke, I didn’t need to argue and whenever she would make contact to argue just calmly say there’s no need to talk, apologise or be constructive or I won’t reply. I never had the apology or a constructive convo lol
I’ve said I’ll buy her whatever she needs, everything I have bought so far has been given away or thrown in the bin just to be used as ammo in an argument.
I was then threatened with CSA, never see the child etc so I said I’ll go for shared custody, no arguments, 50/50, don’t have to argue. She’s since begged not to go through the courts, and is now begging that I don’t be involved so she doesn’t have the baby out of her sight.
As horrible as it sounds, since week 17, I lost all connection to this pregnancy, I was really excited I’ve bought the cot, car seat, pram etc then it went downhill
I am a good father, I’m 50/50 and am on good terms with the previous partner. I pay her maintenance even though we’re shared and have never quibbled about helping in any way which benefits our daughter but I am so tempted to walk away from this as I can see exactly what route she want this to go down of constant drama arguments and court orders.
I feel like if I walk away she might find someone she can connect to and be happy with but also do t want to walk away because I’d hate for her personality and mindset to be passed onto a new child

Well I would definitely make sure that the child is mine first . It seems like you het on okay but argue and are both too stubborn to make it up you could try to stay on civil terms for the baby . But a drama queen will always be a drama queen and you'll never have a peaceful life with one and they'll just keep using the kid against you . You just need to have a talk with her about it we're all adults maybe she's be happier with someone else maybe you would too if the relationship was toxic it's not good for the baby to be together , but I think you should say that you don't mind being in the child's life so if she decides she doesn't want you toots her fault not yours and you won't have to feel guilty when the child gets older

This is awful and for the sake of the new baby, I believe it is worth finding a way to sit with your ex and discuss calmly what each of you wants, no name calling, no insults etc, just how you'd like to plan for the baby going forward. It's not going to be easy, maybe you need to have a mutual friend to sit in with you both? Offer to start with a clean slate and go from there? It might take a few conversations to achieve this but it worth trying and the effort for your baby's sake.
The most important thing to me is that the baby has 2 parents and has the right to be brought up by 2 parents in a way that works for you all ideally. YOU want to be involved and have experience of how things can work well so please don't give up now. I agree with you that if you walk away now, you probably will never have a say in the baby's life again.

First and foremost, make sure you do a DNA test. She's been cheating throughout, so this may not even be your baby. As you only had a fling, I'm guessing you wouldn't know where she was in her cycle when you had sex? A woman is most likely to get pregnant 2 weeks after her last period.

I should haven mentioned that part……

She is blunt and too honest so I do believe when she says she hadn’t met anyone else, a DNA test will be a possibility if I’m involved.

For the cycle she was on the last day of the cycle, I only remember as we made a joke about it the next day.

Well clearly you're not going to have a sensible arrangement with her because there is no sensible relationship between you so plan your way forward based on being shared parents who aren't involved with eachother. First get a DNA test and then start arranging 50/50 shared parenting.