Therapy with cheating husband, do I need all the details of what he has done?

[Jstsaying123]

I recently found out my husband had been cheating, I'm not going to go into all the details, but have been together for 18+years,have kids etc. Life isn't always easy as most married people will agree. Anyway I'm still not sure I know all the details of what my husband did. The therapist is asking why I need to know all the details and if that will end up hurting me more. I feel I want to know everything, but I can see her point. So help me out here, would it matter how many women your husband cheated on you with? Is 1 the same as 10?.... Obviously my head is a mess, but I think it does matter. I also think if 2 months or 2 years down the line something else comes out from this time that he hasn't confessed, it will break me and ruin me for good. I want to believe what my husband says and trust in the therapy process but I still feel I need to know all of it... Advice please, especially from anyone who has been in a similar situation xoxo

If he’s not willing to be completely honest so you know what you’d be forgiving him for then how could you possibly forgive him?

Did you find out that he cheated or did he confess? That in itself is a huge deal, because if you found out, would he of ever told you in the first place?

You need to know

I want to believe what my husband says

How can you possibly believe him, though? He's a proven cheater and a liar.

if you really want to stay with him regardless and have decided you can trust him after cheating for whatever reason, then I'd suggest you don't find out all the details.. they stay in your head and you won't ever get rid of them. so it will make staying even harder.

Of course you need honesty from him before you can start to trust him again. Every detail, maybe not, but you can't move on if he won't be honest. How could you?

I wouldn’t waste my money. Sunk costs fallacy.

What is your goal for the therapy?

No I would absolutely need to know, I can’t forgive something I don’t know about. Where’s you’re chance to make an informed decision, if you don’t have all the facts?

You will literally never trust him again. Why resign yourself to a lifetime of torment? Why would you even want to stay with someone who has been dipping his dick into someone else. He obviously thinks the world of you doesn't he 🙄

Surely it’s up to you whether or not you ask for all a the details. I don’t think the therapist should be telling you differently. I can understand completely why you’d want to know.

*your

The information mattered to me. So I obtained that information. Very little of it came from my now-ex directly. We didnt do "therapy". I process my emotions through knowledge and information. He's now my ex because he lied and cheated, and continued to minimise. I doubt any therapy process will get a liar to speak the truth.

I think he should answer any questions that you have, at whatever level of detail you think is helpful for you. Think about what’s best for yourself in this case.

Personally I’m the kind of person that likes to know things, rather than not know them. I hope he’ll be honest with you.

My current partner had a very toxic relationship with his ex. Although he didn't cheat, she us still in our lives because of their kids and is doing everything possible to screw our relationship up. I found out six months in that he had lied to me about when their relationship finished and pretty much everything about it.

I needed to know everything, so I knew the absolute worst then I could build our relationship back up from there.

This was a few years ago, we are now in a very strong place because of this. Had I still have not known there would always be a part of me thinking what happened, when, why, is it still happening.

Sometimes the worst is not knowing.

A few things that matter:

did he confess or get caught?
was it a ONS situation or a full blown affair?
was he also checked out from your marriage / family life? Were you?
were there multiple OW / over years?

All of these factors play a part in how likely forgiveness and moving on is possible.

Knowing every last detail might not be necessary. But you do need to know some pertinent information. I would want to know the above as a starting point.

It depends what you line in the sand is. Do you want to forgive him? Or are you just worried about the wider family fallout? You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for him. I wouldn’t.

The more I found out, the less respect I had for him. Once the respect is gone, there is no saving the relationship.

I don’t think how many and long for each is “all the details” it is merely a rough outline. Perhaps there is crossed wire are you saying you want “all the details” to therapist? Because I don’t think I’d want “all the details” to me that would be going into things like what attracted you to her/them? Where did you usually meet? What did you do other than the sex? How was she/were they in bed compared to me? What did they look like, how old/young, poor/rich, career/housewife, other kids, married/single. That’s ALL the details...just knowing how many and how long for each is not even details.

I'd want to know everything in order to decide whether I want to stay. There little point knowing half the truth when making a decision. What if he's crossed an unforgivable line that would make you leave tomorrow if you knew but you don't find out until two years later? You'd feel cheated of that time.

The only exception would be if you have absolutely no intention of leaving him. In that case, not knowing might be kinder to yourself.

I was hoping to put in the work to see if we can save our marriage. I asked that we see the therapist separately then possibly move on to couples therapy. I wasn't ready for couples stuff, I wasn't ready to hear his reasons etc. The therapist is only questioning me to help me find out what I can forgive, if I can't forgive certain things know my boundaries etc and separate.... I found out about his cheating, so no I don't think he would have told me if he didn't get caught. He said he has told me everything. But do women who work on their marriage rather than separation, do they just accept what he says and blindly trust again when he has obviously broken my trust so badly... Its all still quite new and raw so only a few weeks or so from finding it all out.... Its hard, I always thought I would be the no nonsense, you cheat we are over but we have kids, a life, been dealt some tough hands and things maybe just beat us down...i don't know. I'm feeling lost and unsure of myself. Thanks for all the comments.

It’s best to make an informed decision about your future. You can’t do that by turning a blind eye really. Sorry you’re enduring this OP.

Personally, I wouldn't feel like I could make an informed decision about whether I wanted to try to fix things, or whether that was even possible, without knowing a lot more information than just "he cheated." Why and how did it happen? Is there something I can change that would prevent it from happening again by addressing whatever issues led to it on his end? If so, is that something I'm willing to change? I feel like I'm the only one who has the right to even try to answer those questions. If he was deliberately withholding information so that I couldn't possibly answer them accurately, I wouldn't believe he was really trying to fix things. I would interpret it more as him trying to make it less likely that I'd leave, and even if I was willing to forgive and move past the initial infidelity, I wouldn't stay with someone who thought it was fine to try to manipulate me that way.

And if a therapist said that all of this was fine and I had no right to want to know that, I'd find a better therapist. To be fair, though, asking "Why do you want to know?" isn't the same as saying "You don't have the right to know, and you're better off not knowing."

Why would you trust that he is telling you the truth? Have you actually spoken to the woman he’s cheated with? Why would you put your total trust in a guy who has lied to you repeatedly?

I think that it depends why you want those details. When I was cheated on I wanted them partly because I was desperate to find some aspect of the cheating that made it 'less bad' than other cheating situations, or reasonable, or forgivable. Like I would think oh its just a ONS. Imagine if it were a full-blown affair! Goodness only knows how THOSE women must feel. I can definitely forgive this. Sadly it doesn't work like that and you will have your own benchmark for behaviour you are willing to try to forgive, which if you aren't aware of it now, you will get to that point as you find out more details I expect. It is a tough road.

I would want to know absolutely everything under the sun. Everything. Everything about his time with her. The most intimate and sordid detail to the most trivial and unimportant. But only for my own closure. No way can a bond be resurrected after infidelity. Forget it OP, it's gone. You don't need that shit in your life x