Advice please

[Diddleummm]

Can I have some advice please. I split from my partner a year ago. Whilst we were together, he started to push me out of my young children’s lives by taking over everything I did with them until I lost confidence and allowed him to do it (nappy changes, baths, feeding, bed time). By the time I left, I felt like I wasn’t capable of anything.
I slowly gained my confidence in my own and am now back to who I was before him. The problem now is that he’s still pushing me out of their lives. He’s arranged a sports club to take them to at weekends. We alternate weekends when we have them and he’s adamant he wants to take them each time. Apparently I’m ‘allowed’ to go on my day, but I just don’t want to see him, I’m not being dramatic by saying just being in the same area as him ruins my mood and my entire day. He’s also now started swimming lessons on his days, again, I’m ‘allowed’ to come, but he’s insisting on being there each time. Do I just accept being pushed out and never getting to see my babies at their activities, or so I force myself to go to, knowing that it’s quite detrimental to my mental health and mood having to be anywhere near him. It makes me so sad to know that I just can’t make a break away from him.

Do you have the DC 50/50? Why not take them to activities when you have them and he takes when he has them? If he's turning up during your times with them, that's not on, he needs telling as he's gatecrashing.

Yes it’s 50/50, but he says that he’s not missing out. He wants to come and collect them on my days and take them and when I’ve said no, and I’ll take them, he’s insisting that he’ll also be turning up to watch too.

You need to tell him that what he does on his weekends is up to him and what you do on yours is up to you. If you choose to go to the sports club you will go alone, but you may well choose to do something else as thats your choice and he can do one.

He shouldn't have signed them up for stuff on your days and you dont have to take them. That is your time with them

This is where you start making your boundaries.

YOU do things with him on your days and dont tell him what your doing.

Is the 50/50 a court agreement?

No it’s agreed, not court. I feel bad as the children enjoy the sport, so if I don’t take them, they miss out, but he will just turn up regardless. He’s been controlling for years, but now I suppose this is all he has left to control. He’s just very good at twisting things and making himself the victim and me the awful person who can’t put my children first

You need a court ordered agreement. He's trying to control you

@Diddleummm

No it’s agreed, not court. I feel bad as the children enjoy the sport, so if I don’t take them, they miss out, but he will just turn up regardless. He’s been controlling for years, but now I suppose this is all he has left to control. He’s just very good at twisting things and making himself the victim and me the awful person who can’t put my children first

OP go court he is taking the piss and relying on you feeling guilty. So he basically sees the kids every weekend even when its your time. He is still bullying you.

if you went court there wouldn't be this fuckery.

the kids might enjoy it but I'm sure they would enjoy another kind of activity.

Are you scared of him?

I’m not scared of him physically, but he makes me uncomfortable as I hate being made to feel unreasonable and like a poor parent. Unfortunately my little boy idolises him and cries all of the time when he’s at mine about how much he misses his daddy and wishes he was at his, which makes me feel worse

@Diddleummm

I’m not scared of him physically, but he makes me uncomfortable as I hate being made to feel unreasonable and like a poor parent. Unfortunately my little boy idolises him and cries all of the time when he’s at mine about how much he misses his daddy and wishes he was at his, which makes me feel worse

Your not a poor parent and you need to keep saying that as a mantra.

You need to go to court for proper court arrangement then on your time he has no say what the kids do.

There is also a great app called Our family wizard that co parents use to share messages and schedules. It saves him having to message your email or phone at all. Its all time stamped and saved and is court approved and can be used in court. I know this sounds extreme but its one way of seperating yourself from him and giving you that space.

My youngest sometimes cries for her dad ( she is 5 ) but I just give her a hug and remind her when she is next seeing him - I dont see that has negative towards me I just see that she is missing him which is natural.

But you have to push on with the court agreement. Dont let him continue to control you through the kids.

I think it’s because he says ‘I don’t like being at yours, I only like being at Daddy’s’ and he asks Alexa to countdown the minutes until he goes. He then says he wants to spend all of his time at Daddy’s and won’t miss anyone in my house.

@Diddleummm

I think it’s because he says ‘I don’t like being at yours, I only like being at Daddy’s’ and he asks Alexa to countdown the minutes until he goes. He then says he wants to spend all of his time at Daddy’s and won’t miss anyone in my house.

Kids can be savage!

I'd stop him using the Alexa for that. How old is he?

if you dont put in clear boundaries now with your ex this is going to continue. This isn't just about cutting you out the kids lives this also also controlling what you do at the weekend. You need to dig deep, court arrangement and no messages to your mobile. this isn't going to disappear unless you actively do something about it

@Southernbellenot thank you, that’s good advice

He sounds like an abusive bully.

Call Women's Aid to see have the advice on dealimg with him.

He doesn't get to dictate your time with the children.

You need to take back control.

Start planning things on your time when these classes are so the DC can't go.

"No swimming today as we're going to do xyz instead".

He does not have the right to sign them up to things on hit time and insist they go, not does he have the right to be the one to taken them there and back.

Very strong boundaries is the way forward.

That is heartbreaking for you. I wonder if he is manipulating your son when he has access? Just a thought, he sound very controlling and narcissistic. Possibly get some legal advice, find someone who you feel comfortable talking to about his behaviour and how it affects you and your kids. I think this might be one where you have to bring out the mama bear side of yourself to trust your instincts and fight. You have already proved how strong you are by being made to feel less than, then build your confidence up, you know he brings you down and makes you feel bad. Trust that. Maybe he does similar to the kids to make them want to please him (I really hope not) .... Sending love and strength xoxo

@Jstsaying123 that’s what I had fleeting thoughts about to be honest, I really hope that’s not happening

sounds like a huge case of Parental Alienation

Thought it easier to resurrect this thread. I managed the battle over the sports club and now take my child. My ex has not however got any better.
My child’s birthday is on a day there’re with me and I booked a party for them. Understandably my ex is not invited as it’s on my day and we don’t get on. As a result of this, he has now booked his own party for our child, exactly a week after the one I have booked (so on his weekend) and with all of the same people, plus extra. It’s so humiliating to me. It’s also undermined everything that I’ve tried to do and made me so sad.
Additionally he’s told me that now both of my children have been telling him that they hate being at mine and he’s been having to ‘persuade’ them to come each time. I’m feeling so rundown with all of this, the constant fight and competition that I don’t want to even be in. It’s starting to impact on my bond with my children and I don’t know what to do

He's point scoring.

It looks pathetic on him that's he's booked the same party!!!

Say he has to persuade them to come - he is doing that to get in your head. Can you ignore and learn to grey rock him?

You could respond "that's strange they never want to come to yours when they're with me" but that just invites more conversation. Grey rock all the way.

I think it’s just taken it’s toll on me. I feel like just cancelling the party and letting him have his one. I’m just so tired of it, I feel like I can’t keep fighting this

Somehow you need to find the strength to drop the rope. Limit communication and emotional engagement.

Have that mantra "he's a wanker, I parent my way he does it his". I think you care too much - about what he thinks, others think and giving too much weight to how it may impact the DC.

2 parties, they don't care!!

Have you had all your bloods checked in case their is a physical issue making you feel more worn and tired?

You need to hear what he's up to/says and roll your eyes. Don't engage, use the thumbs up emoji to what crap he comes out with, ignore and keep looking forward to you and the DC as they unit you are when together.

Thank you @RandomMess

It's humiliating for him not you! Makes him look like the pathetic insecure little wanker he is! The guests must be thinking, why the fuck is he doing that, and coming to the correct conclusion that he's trying to point score

Wow he really is a piece of shit.

The talk of the children not wanting to be at your house is very clearly done to hurt you and is either made up or manipulated. You haven't mentioned how old the children are but they can be easily swayed by the no rules, gifts and outing, how money at everything, until they grow a little and realise how hollow that looks. I have two step kids, both adults and they rarely speak to their biological farther, and my step-daughter only does so if she really is cornered, they do however call on me frequently for help and support. There mum and i were not able to throw money at things like high earning dad did but we provided reliable and consistent and loving support which they have recognised. Its tough for you now but stay strong and stick with it. Its him that making a follow himself and will loose out in time.