Trust and lies

[Heelancoo]

After some wise words. Currently separated, can get divorced in Jan. Was with my STBXH 5 years, married for 18 months when he decided a year ago he didn’t want ‘this’ anymore. I thought we were solid, always said we’d never let things fester and talk about issues but he literally announced he’d had enough. Didn’t want to try counselling-was like he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Up till July this year I tried so hard to make things work, but in hindsight I think he’d made his decision a year ago. Reasons he gave ranged from he saw me as a sister, didn’t want to live in the UK where we lived, didn’t want to live with my DC, never should have got married. That hurt the most as it’s made me question our wedding day and him saying his vows. He’s always made such a big deal of being honest and yet he obviously wasn’t. In Jan he left and moved 300 miles away so I’m not going to bump into him, and so it should be easy to forget about things. But I’m struggling. Not that I want him back-it’s too late for me now and in general me and DC are happier and calmer than we’ve been the last couple of years. My issue is why do I get hit by a wave of sadness every so often and how would I ever trust someone again? Right now I don’t want a relationship as I’m trying to heal and find me again, plus don’t want any more disruption to my DC. But…right now I can’t see myself ever trusting what a guy says again (not cheating as such, just what they say about how they feel). I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life but equally how can you keep someone at arms length and have a meaningful relationship with them? I don’t ever want to live with someone again but I would like one day to have a special someone in my life. Has anyone got any advice on how you let trust back in when everything you’ve thought was true turned out to be lies? Feel such a mug 😥

That sounds really tough especially if there were no obvious signs. I lost trust in relationships after being lied to for years as well, not an affair, but an entire personality which didn't exist. It took a few years, some dating experiences where I used to get freaked out and assume the worst. Over time I could see that my biggest fear was that I didn't trust myself to choose a solid person. I gradually got over it realising that firstly I was actually hyper vigilant to issues now. I learned a lot about what I overlooked the first time. I was unlikely to walk headlong into something like that again. And secondly I realised that trust is something that builds. You only have to give as much as you're willing to at any time. So you do it bit by bit. And if the person you're with proves themselves trustworthy each time then you build a bit more. And you reassure yourself that you can discontinue at any time.

@supercali77 thank you for your reply. I think you’ve got it spot on-I don’t trust my judgment. I’ve had 2 previous relationships, both ended due to ex P cheating so I definitely have some work to do on my judgment and self worth. Glad you’ve managed to overcome it and be happy x

@heelancoo how are you with boundaries and do you do people pleasing? 2 things I had to really bloody nail down.

@supercali77 yep got it in one there. Rubbish on both and only really registered this over the last few years. My sister is the same-had some terrible controlling relationships-together we’ve realised boundaries and people pleasing is something we both need to stop!