How do you know when it's time to end it?

[SunnyLeaf]

DP and I have been together nearly 5 years, I'm 31 now. The relationship was really good for the first few years, and then one of the main issues was that I totally lost my libido (medical reasons) just 1 year in, and it's never really come back properly.

I think I/we didn't put enough effort in to rebuild our sexual relationship, and I'm not sure if we could have got things back on track if we did at the time. It could be that although the medical issues got resolved within a few months, it was the lack of effort that just made things continue on as they were. We only really have sex once every few months, and I don't enjoy it. I feel a bit upset afterwards and feel cold. However I do feel attraction for other people (just generally, not to anyone in particular) so I don't feel like my libido is an issue any more.

We moved in together about three years ago and it just seems to have got worse since then. On the whole we get on really well, we have fun together, have the same values, interests, we're really well matched in so many ways. But we've started arguing more, I feel like I don't care as much about him (not that I've said this to him) and I don't think I enjoy spending time with him as I did. I don't think I fancy him anymore.

I'm just terrified of starting again at 31. Most of my friends are married, and/or have children and while I catch up with friends 1-1 every now and again, I don't have a close friendship group and I worry I would be so lonely by myself. I'd have to find a flat to rent with strangers, and I thought I was so done with that part of my life. If things were different I'd be so ready to settle down, have kids etc.

Basically I'm terrified of doing the wrong - and to add to it I have pretty poor mental health & I'm worried being alone would be really bad for me. Has anyone been in this kind of situation and have any advice? Thank you

Ooh, lots of things to say... First of all, sorry you're unhappy.

Also:

31 is so young! I know it's an age where lots of people start settling down, but it doesn't have to be.

I never really had a friendship group until after my divorce (late 30s), and I probably made the most new friends when I was in my 50s (discovering small, independent music festivals).

Does anyone really fancy their partner after the first flush of excitement? I've had relationships where the sex continued to be thrilling, but these tended to be odd in other ways (i.e. we relied on the sex being the glue to hold together mismatched personalities and values).

I think the COVID situation has made most of us a little stir-crazy. It's hard not to feel dissatisfied and a bit stagnant.

None of the above adds up to any kind of advice or conclusion, they are just personal observations.

What I would say is that if you think you're only staying together because you don't fancy being on your own, maybe you should try being on your own. Once you get used to it, it can be brilliant. Also, it's the one relationship in life we really need to get right the one with ourselves and it's easy to be distracted from this.

Thank you @Alcemeg for really helpful reply

It's reassuring to hear someone else say 31 is young, I don't feel it! I've also put on weight in the last few years so feel unattractive and not sure anyone else would want me!

Yes totally get what you mean about things not being as sexually exciting after the honeymoon period - and I have talked to friends who say they often have dry periods. Though this doesn't really feel like that!

COVID has definitely had a big impact - I was a lot more sure I wanted to end it last February, and then lockdown hit and it just didn't seem realistic.

And yes I've never been great at being by myself, I think it would be good for me! I'm just terrified of it too..

I think it's only fair you end things OP. Your not too old to start again and meet someone new.

Sometimes things run their course.

I think you know it's time when you feel the need to post a thread like this on a forum. You're hunting for validation that leaving is the right thing to do. Validate yourself. Not validating yourself will be a major factor in why you don't like to be alone.

Just leave. You're 31. Hardly over the hill. If you get lonely, make more friends. Finding the right people/person to share accommodation with is a great way to do this, and may work in your favour. If you think about it, you're house sharing now with someone you'd prefer not to, so you can make an improvement on that score.

I second what PP said; learn to be on your own. Do it until it's not scary any more; it's just like starting a new job or learning to drive. You make stupid mistakes and feel crap at the start, and you're scared you'll cause some major disaster, and then you start to realise how you fit in and what you need to do, and before you know it, you're doing it standing on your head with one hand tied behind your back. With your eyes shut. And a really bad hangover. In public.

The alternative is to stay in an unfulfilling relationship ALL YOUR LIFE, and when you're 68 and you look at him and wish he'd just sod off, you'll wish the 31 year old you had realised that she was really just a whippersnapper and could have had so much more fun in life if she'd only left him...

Christ you’re 31, that’s basically a teenager (I jest, but it definitely isn’t old). I appreciate a lot depends on your location and demographic but I’m 32 and live alone, LOVE it so much that I don’t think I ever want to cohabit with anyone except a dog. None of my friends are married or have kids, we live to please ourselves, date who we like and pursue our careers and hobbies. There are other single 30somethings out there!

I would highly recommend living alone, if you can afford it. It was the absolute making of me, and I’m also someone with a lot of mental health issues. Life’s too short to stay in an unfulfilling relationship. Better to be single forever than with the wrong person.

@TheFoundations

I think you know it's time when you feel the need to post a thread like this on a forum. You're hunting for validation that leaving is the right thing to do. Validate yourself. Not validating yourself will be a major factor in why you don't like to be alone.

Just leave. You're 31. Hardly over the hill. If you get lonely, make more friends. Finding the right people/person to share accommodation with is a great way to do this, and may work in your favour. If you think about it, you're house sharing now with someone you'd prefer not to, so you can make an improvement on that score.

I second what PP said; learn to be on your own. Do it until it's not scary any more; it's just like starting a new job or learning to drive. You make stupid mistakes and feel crap at the start, and you're scared you'll cause some major disaster, and then you start to realise how you fit in and what you need to do, and before you know it, you're doing it standing on your head with one hand tied behind your back. With your eyes shut. And a really bad hangover. In public.

The alternative is to stay in an unfulfilling relationship ALL YOUR LIFE, and when you're 68 and you look at him and wish he'd just sod off, you'll wish the 31 year old you had realised that she was really just a whippersnapper and could have had so much more fun in life if she'd only left him...

yes fair point about posting... I'm an introvert and find it hard to make more friends, so also part of the struggle. I do keep thinking if I leave it another 5,10 years I'll be so annoyed with myself! It's the sunk costs fallacy isn't it...

It sure is. You can waste your whole life on the sunken costs fallacy. If you think you're ever going to leave him, and you're already unhappy, leave him now. Otherwise you will kick yourself in the future for all the time spent continuing to be unhappy.

If you're not good at being single now, you'll be better at it a year from now if you leave him. Get the task of learning that underway, or your dread of it will eat up your life.

@TheFoundations

It sure is. You can waste your whole life on the sunken costs fallacy. If you think you're ever going to leave him, and you're already unhappy, leave him now. Otherwise you will kick yourself in the future for all the time spent continuing to be unhappy.

If you're not good at being single now, you'll be better at it a year from now if you leave him. Get the task of learning that underway, or your dread of it will eat up your life.

Thank you