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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you deal with it if someone from your past doesn't want to be friends?

21 replies

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 06/12/2007 07:32

OK I'm probably being unreasonable and slightly ridiculous, but a long time ago (15 years or so) I had a relationship. He was my first 'proper' boyfriend, and it lasted about 3 years - quite a difficult relationship, I had low self esteem and I was very confused about my own feelings, resulting in my being a pretty dire girlfriend. Eventually we split. I always felt he was 'too good' for me which caused a lot of the problems. He seemed very sorted though he was younger than me.

We kept in touch for a few years, when we met we would still kiss etc. but he always seemed quite arrogant and as if he was 'using' me by then - perhaps as a reaction to the way I treated him during the relationship (I used to want to break up quite often and then get back with him etc.) and also his father had died during these few years, which I think made him very very angry - and he took some of that out on me. I didn't blame him and was very sorry for the way I had been.

Anyway, we drifted apart and didn't meet for years. Two years ago I contacted him and we arranged to meet up at Xmas. He came to see me, he just came round for the evening and we talked a lot. The next day he texted saying did I want to 'meet for a kiss', and of course I jumped at the chance as I really respect and like him still. So he came round again and we kissed, it was great, things were getting a bit full on when we were interrupted by my little boy and he went home (he was staying with his family). He then went back to London where he works, and I wanted to know if there was a chance we still had something together, he said no, he had his life, I had mine (such as it was ) and he was in love with someone at work so no, no chance. I was a bit fed up and this probably came across in my emails though I struggled to sound Ok with it.
No more contact ( I still see his mum who is always nice) till last wek when I emailed him again and said how are you, etc and got a reply that really upset me : he said he didn't think it was a good idea for either of us right now, to meet up. He said he knew in a lot of ways it would be nice to see me, but didn't think it a good idea.

It was such a cold reply and I feel awful, really bad, as though he had taken 15 years to realise what a shockingly bad girlfriend I was and decided he hates me. (I tried to apologise last time we met, but he laughed it off saying we were young etc. and it didn't matter?)

Am I being paranoid, or am I really so awful? I'm different now but just can't bear the fact that he might hate me, or I might have hurt him so much he never wants to see me again.
I will always respect him such a lot but ouch, this really stings.

Keep trying to think maybe he is just afraid we might kiss again, or something, if he is with someone else obviously that's not a great idea!

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 06/12/2007 07:35

You're not trying to be 'friends' with him, you want something more. And I can understand why he doesn't want to carry on like that, it's confusing and strange.

And, tbh, if someone from your past doesn't want to be friends, even if you're just trying to be friends, there's not much you can do, you have to accept it.

NotQuiteCockney · 06/12/2007 07:36

There's nothing wrong with you making clear that you'd rather have more contact, obviously. But you have to respect his wishes. I really doubt he's doing this because of how you were 15 years ago - I think he's doing this because of how you both are together, now.

Original poster

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 06/12/2007 07:37

but NQC he initiated the whole kissing thing last time. That's why I'm confused. And I made no suggestion of anything like that this time.

OP posts:

Original poster

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 06/12/2007 07:37

Sorry x posts. Yes I see what you mean. Thanks.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 06/12/2007 07:38

If he initiated it, then he obviously still has some feelings for you, but (presumably?) you two are not in a position where getting back together would make sense.

And a sort of half-relationship like that just means neither of you end up with an actual relationship with anyone else.

Original poster

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 06/12/2007 07:40

That's true, I guess he possibly has feelings that he maybe doesn't really understand himself - maybe he is drawn to something in our relationship, but in real life it doesn't make any sense, he is successful and works in London, I am unsuccessful and have two children, neither of which is his!

relieved to think it isn't about 15 years ago though.

OP posts:

warthog · 06/12/2007 08:46

i don't think he hates you, nor has any bad feelings towards you. i think he's probably in a relationship and doesn't want to complicate it. it's possible there is still a small spark there for him, and he's trying to do right by his relationship.

it must hurt, but try to put it behind you. while this is going on, it's hard for you to find someone else. forgive yourself and move on.

Original poster

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 06/12/2007 09:02

Thanks Warthog, I hope you're right - I just wish he had said that rather than leave it so ambiguous. He must know it would do me in to read something like that.
Probably as you say he is with somebody and doesn't want to complicate things, but he could have told me that. I would have understood.
Feeling better for reading what you said though

OP posts:

bozza · 06/12/2007 09:14

I think you have had good advice on here. I also think you are building this up into something it isn't and the "half-relationship" (to pinch nqc's expression) is not going to work. It has nothing to do with the past, but it needs leaving in the past.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 06/12/2007 09:18

I totally know how you feel. I still ocassionally think about my first love and if he walked in now I would be 19 again I am sure of it.

This man will only cause you pain and it is best you try and forget and move on.

binklebells · 06/12/2007 09:35

The bottom line is this:

You are both completely different people in completely different circumstances and so a relationship spark would have to be very very strong for it to work out. If it was about friendship - well, that cant be contrived - if you had a basis for friendship then you would have remained friends at the time.

I speak from experience as I was contacted by my ex (from when I was 19 I am 36 now) a few years ago - he posted a note through my mums door to ask how I was and to ring if I fancied a chat. I asked my now dh's permission and he said fine so I rang him and we talked for an hour and tbh I did feel 19 again.

I felt like I could get back with him there and then. We met for coffee - there was tension in the air - that lovely feeling of excitement and anticipation - but the truth was I was now a mother in a relationship - he was still single and perhaps that was why he was dwelling over the past. He professed everlasting love, said he had always loved me etc that was why he hadnt had a lasting relationship since. It was vert tempting to stay in touch and let things develop because it was exciting and fresh but still familiar IYSWIM - but I knew in reality it was unfeasible.

I met him for the last time a week before I got married and he wasnt pleased at all to hear that. A month later he sent a nasty message to me and I knew then that friendship wasnt what he was after - he wanted to recapture our relationship from all those years ago that didnt actually and couldnt exist anymore.

Your ex may well have feelings for you which are complicated or he may (after 'testing the water') have realised your relationship belongs in the past. I dont blame him and think he is being pretty sensible tbh - even by being offhand - he is giving a clear message. (who knows, he may have been instructed to do so by his partner? My dh tired of my contact with ex when he realised we were seeing a bit too much of each other)

Either way, you must try to let it go and concentrate on a future with someone who wants to be with the person you are now completely.

Sorry its so long, but I totally identify with this thread!

Original poster

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 06/12/2007 09:41

Thankyou all...I am glad I'm not alone, and yes, he is being sensible - I just wish he hadn't been so harsh about it. After all I think he still sees other friends from long ago, so I just thought maybe we could keep in touch.
I will leave it now - having earlier this morning sent a rather desperate email along the lines of 'Oh my god, I was right, you hate me don't you, I am so sorry I was such a rubbish girlfriend' etc etc. (I was sleep deprived!) and that was before I posted on here.

Poor bloke, now he knows I'm a nutter!!!!!

OP posts:

binklebells · 06/12/2007 09:47

Oh well just consign that one to the 'its too early for e-mailing' tray and DONT, DO NOT e-mail him back to apologise for the last crackers e-mail just leave well alone - I know its hard - in fact put his address out of your contacts. If he wants to contact you he knows where you are right?

Original poster

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 06/12/2007 09:53

I want clooosureeeee!!!!

yes, have resisted urge to add more to the pile of nonsense he will be struggling to interpret this afternoon when he gets up (see I know him so well!)

How did you guess, Bink!!!

OP posts:

binklebells · 06/12/2007 09:57

Been there, done that!

Been the crackers one (like yourself ) tying myself up in knots trying to appear nonchalant and casual and coming across as anything but and also been on the end of it too (as per my previous post!)

stripeymama · 06/12/2007 10:03

This is always hard - I really feel for you!

Last year I ended up in bed with my first boyfriend, ten years down the line. It was the worst thing we could have done - it brought up all sorts of feelings for both of us that neither of us could deal with, and we are now not speaking, after having been friends since we broke up.

It sent me a bit loopy at the time, and I had to fight very hard the urge to try to talk to him about it, as he clearly didn't want to.

chocchipchristmascake · 06/12/2007 11:47

"He said he knew in a lot of ways it would be nice to see me, but didn't think it a good idea."

Dear Twinkly. I think you have got closure but not the kind of closure you would have liked. I don't think this email from your ex sounds that cold. it's never easy to write that kind of email.

It seems to me he is doing you a favour - the alternative is that you end up in bed with him, your children get attached to him but all the time he is in love with the person at work. That is the issue here, not what ahppened 15 years ago.

He's behaving in the right way IMO, even though it's not what you would like.

I would try to have abusy day and whatever you do don't contact him.

macdoodle · 06/12/2007 12:08

Sounds like he has girlfriend but has some old spark for you and is trying best he can to do the right thing...accept that you now have closure and move on

Original poster

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 06/12/2007 13:50

Yes, closure isn't really the word is it...what I really wanted was for him to say, 'Hi, yes I can see you have changed and grown up and are no longer an 18 yesr old idiot like you used to be...yes, I still love you deep down...yes, it can work this time'. Not really going to happen is it?!

On a more positive note, I had a really nice email from him in reply to my garbled nonsense this morning.
He said, of course he doesn't hate me, but last time we met made him feel sorry and regretful, and at the time he wasn't feeling very good about himself which is why he kissed me () I will try not to dwell on that bit...
and he didn't mean 'never see you again' but just would rather leave it for now. Oh and that it was both our faults that it went wrong before, and it was sad that it ended but for the best (he's right).

I said thankyou and that I was relieved and that he'd no need to be sorry. Have signed off now.

So, do you think I'm right in this little summary in my mind : He and I always were quite co-dependent, which made it very hard to end the relationship. It took us a long time to do so. This suggests to me that despite it being destructive, he was somehow attrracted to something in it and therefore knows he's vulnerable to whatever that is. Which wouldn't be healthy, as he puts it, for either of us.
I can understand but I really thought I had changed so that meeting him would be Ok just as friends. I can see that I was deluding myself and this proably shone through loud and clear - not that I haven't changed and become less idiotic, of course most of us are more mature by our 30s, but that I still need someone to love me because I am still low on self esteem.

Thankyou all for talking me through this one, I would be lost with out you girls!

OP posts:

macdoodle · 06/12/2007 14:21

Sounds like you have BOTH grown up and are better not together...well done

madamez · 06/12/2007 14:27

He actually sounds like a decent bloke trying to do the decent thing, which is to say to you, as kindly and gently as possible, "I do not want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you again. It wouldn't work out."
Which is never a pleasing thing to hear, but it's not something you can or should argue with. Best of luck in moving on.

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