I’m so trapped update

[Heartswirlcream]

Hi
I posted over the summer when I briefly left my husband and then went back.
I had lots of really kind and helpful advice and it really did help me massively as I felt very alone in it all.
I’m still living with DH and he has been MUCH better in terms of taking on a lot lot more with the dc. I’ve been away overnight with a friend for the night and he dealt with the dc no issues. I’ve been out for the day on a Saturday and again - he had no issue with it. He’s being really really supportive.
Relate discharged us because they said I was severely depressed and I needed to sort that first. DH thinks that the reason our relationship had broken down is because I am depressed.
It is a lot better in lots of ways, the dc seem happier. DH has backed off hugely on the sex thing but it will be an issue again at some point.
But I still don’t think it’s right for me.
A house has become available for rent just round the corner and I’ve worked out I could do it. I don’t know what to do now. I’m still trapped because I know the best thing for the children and DH is for me to stay and maybe it is the fact I’m depressed that’s been the issue. Or maybe I’m depressed because of the marriage, in part. It’s hard to separate the two.
It’s so familiar and easy to stay put.

First of all, why are you putting what's best for your DH ahead of what's best for you?

You are two adults, with equal importance in your relationship. I suspect that he's good at looking after himself. Does he ever put you first in signficant decisions? Would he put you first to the detriment of what's best for him?

So first of all, put that out of your head.

Next, your children. You assume that the best thing for them is you staying together. And yet they have an unhappy mum whose depression is likely caused by her marriage, and a dad who (from your op) appears to have been controlling, selfish, lazy (albeit temporarily behaving better possibly because he saw his easy life threatened).

Children can happily 'surive' their parents breakup. And in many cases they are better off, in a happier and calmer home.

If your DH reverts to his old behaviour (and in fact you only say he's got better, not that things are great) then your DC will see a poor relationship model, which will likely impact in their future relationships.

I'm not saying these things to make you feel bad. But to show you that 'staying for the children' is often a flawed logic - and often leaving would be best for the children.

SO parking your DH and DC for a minute - what would be best for you? You think you might not be depressed if you were to separate? You're dreaming of another home. Even though he's making an effort, you still think you want to be away from him. And that makes sense after what he's put you through.

You don't have to have his permission to separate. He doesn't have to agree to it or be happy with it. He has put himself first for a long long time. You need to start putting you first. And by default, I think your children would be just fine, and likely would benefit themselves by having their mum back to being herself.

Look after you, and your DC.

I’m not sure anymore, how he is now is so different to how he has been that I wonder if I’ve been wrong about him.
He’s being really reasonable and kind. He’s told me we will get through this and we are in it together. He’s stopped the pushing for sex stuff. He’s said if I need time away or time out I can take it. It’s like a total turnaround. He’s been doing bedtime for dd a couple of nights a week. Taking ds to school. It’s weird.
He’s planning days out and weekends away because the relate lady said we hadn’t had any fun together. She said I was still young and what really stood out is that there hadn’t been any fun for me for a long long time.
I don’t think we will be on the relate website as a success story though.
I don’t know what would be best for me, it’s too tied up in what’s best for them. I think the best thing would still be for me to stay and be ok with staying but I’m not sure how to get there.
I’m under time pressure for a decision with the rental property. Yes, there will be others but this one is basically ideal in terms of location.
Or we drift along as we are.

I would think you are in a depressed state primarily because of your H's behaviours towards you. It was bad enough after all to make you move out albeit to move back in.

The Relate counsellor you saw was frankly useless and both untrained and unaware of any and all abuses present in your marriage. Joint counselling as well is never advised if there is ANY type of abuse within the relationship and you in particular have been poorly served by them.

To this end I also feel you would be far better served by using the GP as well as Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations (the latter can give legal advice).

Your H is probably now behaving far better only because his lifestyle that you facilitate was under permanent threat. He will likely revert to type soon enough and do not forget either that the nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them as adults to be in a relationship like yours, I would think your answer here would be no. Your needs matter here too and what they are also seeing is a emotionally preoccupied mother who is not fully available to them. You are also showing them that currently at least, this marriage is still acceptable to you on some level.

You have a choice here re this man and your children do not. It was likely not the best choice for you all told to have moved back in with him.

They would rather have a fully emotionally engaged parent in you than a ton weight of material things.

Why is your own wellbeing so tied up in what is best for other people i.e your children and to some extent your H?. What about you here because you certainly matter. How did that mindset come about, was that also as a result of what you learnt about relationships in your own childhood?.

I realise your children are young so are not leaving home imminently but if they were leaving home tomorrow it would really be just you and your H together. How would you feel then?.

Given that the rental is around the corner, it would seem ideal for co-parenting yet will give you the space you need to be yourself - not 'just' a wife and mother.

DH has no idea.
It feels dishonest to be doing this.

Go.
Get your headspace and get your mental health back on track.

If he loves you, if he's truly changed for good, he will understand that you need this for the moment and that it may be possible in the future to create a new, healthier relationship together if he shows you that change is permanent - and part of that is being respectful of your choice to leave and focusing on effective co-parenting.

If he's just playing nice for now and aiming eventually to revert to type as soon as you let your guard down again, well, you'll soon find out if you say you are moving - someone who's been sexually coercive as your P seems to be, it may be wise to consult with Women's Aid on how to leave safely.

I can completely relate to what your saying, i am going through this but further ahead. its so difficult. But..... i am currently living on a family members floor waiting to rent somewhere, 2dc. My back aches and i am living effectively out of bin bags!

I already feel better for making the very difficult decison, you absolutely need to do what is right for you! Whatever that may be.

I have conversation after conversation with DH to try and work things out, i was so tired. What do you feel is right for you? He doesnt have to be violent, rude, at the pub all day for the situation not to be right. If its not right, its not right.

It's ideal for co-parenting and a trial separation.

The fact you still feel the same now says that time apart would be best for you.

Ensure you take most of DDs stuff with you and she'll be much happier than she was at your parents and you won't have your critical controlling mother breathing down your neck.

How was the holiday away?

Him doing 2 bedtimes per week, the odd drop off and getting out etc is very little in terms of sharing the workload when you also work!