Is it worth staying?

[Peanutpicklepants]

First time poster here. Ive been with my husband 16 years, married 11. Hubby only had one brief sexual experience before we met and I came to the relationship with kids. We've since had 2 of our own.
Since before being married, my husband showed no affection towards me, very little interest in the sexual department either, complete opposite of me. I hoped things would improve within time.
Fast forward to now. Hubby rarely talks to me, he sleeps on the sofa, we have sex maybe 3 times a year, if that. No affection whatsoever. Our marriage feels like a business arrangement. I can't remember the last time I felt wanted or loved, I feel worthless and so alone. Hubby does suffer with PE and I did wonder if this could be the cause of his lack of serial interest, either that or he's a closet gay. Ive begged him to go to counselling or even see a doctor, he agrees to but never makes any plans and just wants to carry on as normal. If it wasn't for our 2 children together and financial ties, I'd be long gone. I'm in my mid 40's and feel there has to be so much more to life.
Has anyone else been in this situation or can offer any advice please?

Bumping for you

“ If it wasn't for our 2 children together and financial ties”

This sums up the situation to me. You want out.

People don’t have to stay married ‘for the sake of the children’ any more. You can become a single mum - you’re probably doing the bulk of the stuff already,

Financial ties - I presume you mean house, mortgage etc. These can be sorted.

You’re not happy, so start making plans. Nothing is going to improve after all this time. Get out and start living your life when you can. Your dh can still be a dad to the kids, even if he’s not living with them.

You have no good reasons to stay. Your children will cope if you split - in fact I would argue they would be happier having happier deparated parents than miserable parents who live together. And they must have noticed that you don't like each other.

Can you imagine the next x decades of this? And when the children have left, just you and him? Is that what you dreamed of in life? Is it the life you would want for your children?

You can change it. You can separate and look forward to the rest of your life. Either happily single or with someone who wants to be with you. And don't ignore warning signs in the future.... behaviours that concern you pre-marriage get worse over time not better nine times out of ten.

Yep, my advice - leave. You are unhappy, things won’t change. Cut your losses and leave. It’s a lot less lonely on your own than living with someone you don’t care for and who doesn’t care for you.

Its so very true, I feel as though I'm flogging a dead horse. So sad as I do love him sadly

@Peanutpicklepants

Its so very true, I feel as though I'm flogging a dead horse. So sad as I do love him sadly

Do you? Or is it just habit? What do you love about him?

It doesn't seem reciprocated either.

I most likely love the security, someone to holiday with, share responsibility with the kids, help around the house etc. I think he's killed off any love I might have had for him, now its most likely is just habit. Scared to step into the unknown. Such a mess really.

Well quick update. Ive told him exactly how he's made me feel and that I don't want to carry on living like this. Ive asked him for space and if he'd move out for even a few weeks to see if he is capable of making any effort to save our marriage. Well, as normal, he blamed everything on my behaviour, saying it was all my fault that he's acted like this for the past goodness knows how many years. Oh and he won't be forced to move out of our house. Well stalemate really isn't it. Just great. I desperately don't want to move out and uproot our kids as its the only home they've ever known. Bloody men, why can't he's just give me the space we need to see if this is salvageable. Nope, he'd rather carry on doing nothing and living in a deadbeat marriage 🤬

My advice would be to leave, share the kids, and find your happiness. Life's too short to settle for less than you deserve. But this is easy for someone to say to you.

Start the divorce process in situ.

It’s not stalemate. Asking him to move out was probably premature. The first thing you need to get across to him is that the marriage is over for you. It doesn’t matter whose fault it was or is. You are done and want to move on.

One way or another the financials will be resolved. The house sold or bought out by one of you.

Having told him it is over you can start the divorce process. Your future is in your own hands.

If you both ow the property, one person cannot be forced to move out

Start the divorce process

Absolutely, no point in being miserable

Sell up or buy the other person out

Start again

What are you afraid of

Better to live alone & be happy
Than live with someone & be miserable

Please don't think of this as stalemate. It isn't. In fact you are further forward than before. You've made clear how unhappy you are and he's shown he won't be making any efforts to change that.

So you know it isn't salvagable. You can now seek legal advice and start the process of divorcing, safe in the knowledge that it's either that, or accept being unhappy for the rest of your days.

There is the hope of something much better in your future!!

@Peanutpicklepants

Well quick update. Ive told him exactly how he's made me feel and that I don't want to carry on living like this. Ive asked him for space and if he'd move out for even a few weeks to see if he is capable of making any effort to save our marriage. Well, as normal, he blamed everything on my behaviour, saying it was all my fault that he's acted like this for the past goodness knows how many years. Oh and he won't be forced to move out of our house. Well stalemate really isn't it. Just great. I desperately don't want to move out and uproot our kids as its the only home they've ever known. Bloody men, why can't he's just give me the space we need to see if this is salvageable. Nope, he'd rather carry on doing nothing and living in a deadbeat marriage 🤬

Sorry this is happening to you, OP. Now he's clear on how you feel, and reacted so badly, you do need to act quickly to protect yourself. Firstly see a solicitor (either on personal recommendation from trusted friends or through "Find a solicitor" through the SRA google it). Then protect your funds. Do you share bank accounts? If so ensure he can't clear them out (this seems to happen often by angry partners) by transferring half into an account he has no access to. Change passwords on any accounts you hold alone. Get an idea of what your joint finances are (incl his pension and check your house value. Having this information to hand will make your time with your solicitor more time efficient. DO NOT discuss your initial "getting your ducks in a row" with him until you have all your facts in place and your financial situation is clear and you are ready to discuss divorce.

This man is not your friend, OP and you'll need to start protecting yourself and your future from him. Good luck. 🌹

Do you own or rent ?
Speak to a solicitor, you can sometimes get the first chat free like I did.
Screen shot your bank accounts, and private pensions if you have them.