Is this abuse?

[Bando98]

My husband and I had an argument which was instigated by me. I mentioned a guy being really attractive (my colleagues boyfriend) very casually and didn't really notice that i said it, it was a offhanded comment, i didnt mean anything by it but i take full accountability in knowing that i should not have said that and I feel extreme remorse for doing so. However my husbands reaction was frightening, he lightly slapped my face and i thought he was initially joking as we sometimes joke around like that, it was a light tap but now thinking back, i know he did this due to annoyance. He then grabbed onto both my arms for a good 10 minutes, quite tightly and didn't let me go. He repeated around 40 times "why did you say that?, why did you say that? Do you think im a pu**y, dont you have any shame,why did you say that? " louder and louder and i kept asking him to release my hands, but he wouldn't and even said he's not holding it tightly, when I said it hurts he replied with "don't make this about you". Now i know i was in the wrong initially but now i feel convinced that im not allowed to be upset because i started it. Im confused and don't know how to feel, i apologized incessantly but feel like I cant be upset for my ordeal either.
Was this abuse? I know i am in the wrong but is his response warranted?
FYI we've been together for nearly 2 years and this is the first time this has happened, its day to day behaviour is really good and hes very tolerant and easy going. But im just very confused and upset by this experience

Of course this is abuse and I’m sad that you have to ask.

I'm not sure where to even start. Of course it's abuse. Divorce him and run.

Omg op.
Get out of there.
He has started to be physically violent ffs!

I'm betting there's been other signs of control,manipulation and abyss before now too, whether you excused them (perhaps as something like 'insecurity') or just not noticed...

But get out of there fast. There's no going back from this shit. Next time he might throttle you. And there will be a next time I you stay.

Run!

Stop saying that you caused this or you instigated it. He reacted like a violent animal over a throwaway comment. Leave him before he hurts you worse than this.

Yes this is abuse. It made me think though.

My ex-of-a-week often made remarks about women who were stunning/very attractive/gorgeous - but making it clear he didn't fancy them. I never reacted once. I would never dare make a comment about a man I found attractive in real life, because he made a fuss about me liking people in the public eye!

It's concerning that you say you've been together nearly 2 years, so you can't have been married for very long, relatively speaking. Was he like this before you got married? Are there flags you can see if you look back?

www.womensaid.org.uk/

So now you arebt even allowed to compliment someone else infont of him, for fear he might hurt you. So if you stay, you'll spend your whole life walking on eggshells. That's if he doesn't kill you next time.

But op, even if you said you screwed your next door neighbour it would not be acceptable for him to put his hands on you.

There is no excuse for abuse.

You did nothing wrong. I refer to one of our neighbours as the good looking one, and dh knows which one I mean. There’s nothing with that.
Holding your wrists and not letting go is terrible. Imagine if a stranger did that? And your partner should never ever scare you, not once.

You haven’t done anything wrong, at all. I fear this will only escalate, I’m so sorry

It was absolutely abusive and you didn’t ‘start it’ or do anything to deserve it.

For comparison - I made a similar comment about a friend’s gorgeous partner when they first got together to my husband, I was probably a bit more effusive even. When DH met the guy in question he was like ‘haha I see what you mean’. Now if I’m going to see said friend he jokingly tells me not to pester ‘handsome Dan’. Even if a partner wasn’t happy with you commenting on another man’s attractiveness the way to deal with that is to say ‘actually babe when you said that it made me feel a bit shit’ and then you apologise and everyone moves on. But he didn’t do that because I’m willing to bet it’s not actually about what you said at all - it’s an excuse to behave like an arsehole, bully and frighten you to let you know not to ever step out of line again but he also has a convenient ‘reason’ he can blame you for his shitty behaviour.

Why do you think you instigated it? How were you “in the wrong”? Would you have reacted like that if he’d mentioned in passing how pretty your friend was?

I’m sure you don’t want to hear this but this absolutely is abuse and it will escalate.

You were not in the wrong and you didn't start this. His reaction to an innocent throwaway comment was extreme and totally disproportionate

Yes, very abusive jealous behaviour
It’ll just get worse if you stay

Omg yes abusive

Please google Why does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, and read it. You will see your husband described very well.

Yes

This is just the start .. he will be reflecting on this episode and potentially thinking it was quite enjoyable for him - put you in your place ,he took control, got away with slapping you ( as you've played like that before it's fine ) he overpowered you by restricting your arms for a significant amount of time , he shouted at you repeatedly- YES this is abuse and next time he will go a step further , get out now

You absolutely did nothing to deserve this reaction. He's reacted out of a deep sense of insecurity and anger. You will not be able to change him and he will do this again.

Please think about how you can leave.

Oh no this is awful behaviour.

You did nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong in commenting that someone is good looking as a throw away comment.

(The exception to that is if you're doing it to undermine or hurt someone intentionally, ie you're doing it regularly and malicously against a background of trying to undermine someone, which is clearly not the case).

So you have nothing at all to apologise for.

But as someone above said, even if you had done something 'wrong' it wouldn't make his response OK. He was physically abusive. He knew you were in pain and refused to stop. That is scary. It shows he is capable of restraining you / violence. It shows that when you plead and saying he's hurting you, he doesn't care.

What about next time? If he's more angry? Had a drink? Will he be more aggressive?

Ask yourself - did he do this because he lost control due to some (imagined) insult? Or did he do it intentionally?

If he lost control - well then you can't know there won't be a next time. You'll always be wondering if your next comment is the one that will make him kick off.
If he was in control and did it intentionally - then you have a husband who chose to hurt you.

Either way, you need to get out. For your safety. This won't be a one-off. And it could get much worse.

Of course it’s abusive, that’s awful to do that to you.

Any form of physical violence in a relationship is abuse. There are no excuses or exceptions.