When do I tell the children in this long process?

[thinkingSilver]

Hi,
We have a 6 year old (with high functioning ASD) and 11 year old daughters.
My husband said in June on two occasions that he is planning to divorce definitely. I only received his draft petition in Aug. And earlier this week his solicitor wrote to say that they have now applied for Decree Nisi and we should soon start mediation - it’s all very overwhelming for me. That’s another story.
Our children don’t know at all. Eldest may have an idea that things aren’t what they should be.
If this process is only starting now and it could be 8-12 months, when do I tell the children? The important thing is that it looks like he has no intention to move out. In June he said he was going to move out as soon as possible. But now, not any more (it’s clear he got advice somewhere not to do so).
If nothing looks “strange” to the children and they won’t see any movement or changes for a long time, when is a good time to tell them?
I’m especially concerned for my youngest and her needs. She won’t understand at all and will be very confused if daddy only moves out (or us or whatever changes) in a year from now. That’s a lifetime to her.

The sad thing to me, is that I have slept on the floor on a mattress in either of the children’s rooms or the living room downstairs for quite a few months. A long time. And because I don’t make a fuss of this and it’s been happening for quite a long time, they sort of see this as normal. Which is certainly not normal. I hate that they get the impression that it’s ok for mum to sleep on a mattress somewhere in the house.

Please advise when I should tell the children, especially if he is now going to move out any time soon.
Thanks

This sounds like a very difficult situation. You haven't gone into the background but your husband's behaviour sounds rather cruel. It must be very hard to have him around the house but ending your marriage. And as you say - you know that your marriage has already broken down and that's why you're no longer sleeping in the same room as your husband and you don't want your children to think it's normal.

I think in your shoes, I would be inclined to explain to them sooner rather than later. Would you and your husband be able to do it together? (It doesn't sound like it - he sounds cruel and detached but perhaps I've got that wrong). In any case, you could perhaps say that the children may have noticed that you and their father have started to lead separate lives and that is why you no longer share a bedroom and that it is because your marriage is coming to an end. And you can reassure them that you and their father still love them very much and will do everything you can to make sure they are as comfortable as possible.

What real life support do you have?

Dery, thank you for your reply. Really appreciate it as I’m struggling so much.

Your advice about speaking to the kids, so they at least understand that why I’m sleeping on a mattress and that it is not normal.
Everywhere I read that it’s better to speak to the children together. That is much better for them.
I don’t feel I could sit there as speak as a unit that is what WE are going to do and then of course talk about the emphasis on them, how much we love them and that that is something that will never change.
I don’t feel I can talk with him to the children, because this is all his decision. We wants a divorce, he is petitioning, this is what he wants to do, I tried so hard to save out marriage.
How can we talk together to them? I don’t feel this is right at all? Am I wrong? Is it me not able to cope and accept it?

Oh my word.
Explaining to my 11 year old will be OK. She will be absolutely heartbroken and will cry so much. She will cry herself to sleep. But she is emotionally mature and she will understand. Eventually. She will be able to process it.
But how the hell do I explain this to my high functioning ASD 6 year old daughter? She won’t understand what I’m on about at all and just continue to jump or whatever she was busy with.

Sorry! Thinking out loud.
The process of divorce is a very lonely place.

If your dh is ending the marriage surely he should sleep on the floor. Sounds very cheeky and cruel leaving you on a mattress.l know that's not your question!
Is there any stories you could read to your little one or does she have any friends/ family whose parents live apart so you could talk about that first.
Be sure and let her teacher know when she knows as her behaviour may change in school and maybe they could do some work with her if she gets some individual time.

The two of you tell the children together, explaining that you both still love them. You explain how the contact arrangements will work.
Sounds like you're well shot of him actually.

Btw you really need to get legal advice asap. Before you tell the children if possible.

Not what you asked about but this is setting a very sad example for two little girls. If they are going to be told it's your ex's decision to end things as they probably should to make sense if it, surely they should see him making the choice to move out of the bedroom at least, not chucking you out on the floor? He's treating you like a commodity in a really obvious way. Can you tell him that you will be taking back the bedroom?

of it

Agree with PP - if your husband is the one ending the marriage, he should be the one who is no longer in the marital bedroom.

Are there any story books specifically written to help parents explain divorce? I know there are several for other difficult emotional situations so you might find one to make it easier for your youngest to understand.
I'm sure some other MN reader will have suggestions.