Is there a name for this?

[Spidersinmyhair]

And why do I find it so annoying?
A few examples from recent weeks from different people..

Someone says:

• "I'm sorry if I offended you" (they hadn't offended me)
• "I didn't mean it as a criticism" (I hadn't taken it as a criticism)
• "I'm sorry if I upset you" (they hadn't upset me)

I had someone apologise profusely for offending me last night because they asked my ethnic background. I hadn't found it at all offensive and told them I wasn't offended but they kept apologising.
Likewise, someone kept saying "I'm sorry if I've upset you" just because I was busy and didn't respond to their WhatsApp. I told them I was just busy but they kept insisting that I must be upset.

Is there a name for this? Sounds like some kind of psychological manipulation tactic. A type of gaslighting?

Maybe they were just genuinely worried that they'd annoyed you and that you were just saying it was fine when it wasn't?

I think if you're hearing it from multiple people, their responses are based on their own experiences.

Eg

I had someone apologise profusely for offending me last night because they asked my ethnic background. I hadn't found it at all offensive and told them I wasn't offended but they kept apologising

Some people are very sensitive about this sort of thing and some people don't nind at all. Maybe they'd asked someone previously who'd been offended. Some people on here would say it was a rude question others wouldn't mind.

Likewise, someone kept saying "I'm sorry if I've upset you" just because I was busy and didn't respond to their WhatsApp. I told them I was just busy but they kept insisting that I must be upset.

Again, some people get really funny about this. Eg I don't mind if someone leaves message 'on read' (blue ticks) without replying - at least they know what I wanted to say and they'll reply when they can. My friend thinks it's the rudest thing in the world amd would prefer someone didn't read her message until they had time to reply. Some people expect an immediate response, others don't care either way.

So, no, unlikely to be a manipulation technique. Far more likely that they've just had their fingers burned before.

I think it's faux-wokeness. They want to pretend they're all woke and aware, but really they are just asking/saying things they feel might be offense etc and padding it out with fake concern. This way they can pretend to be all sensitive and brag about how empathic they are to people's feelings even when those people are denying having those feelings

If they'd had their fingers burnt by offending someone previously, as pp suggests, surely they just won't ask the same question again.

I know a couple of people like this. - one is genuinely a worrier of everything and definitely is worried that they've said the wrong thing, the other says it as if actually they want you t be upset about it and definitely did mean it that way, there's is definitely a difference in these two people generally.

I don't know what the official name for this is but I am sure some people do it deliberately to allow them a bit of a dig at you

Sorry if I've offended you - means I'm saying this and it's a bit offensive but I'm telling you it's not so I hope you now think about it and appreciate I'm having a dig and being offensive but I can get away with it because we're all great pals here aren't we . And of course I'd never be racist/ sexist/ judgmental/ unkind / rude/ insensitive/ offensive

Don't even know if that made sense but in my head it does

@Thingsdogetbetter

I think it's faux-wokeness. They want to pretend they're all woke and aware, but really they are just asking/saying things they feel might be offense etc and padding it out with fake concern. This way they can pretend to be all sensitive and brag about how empathic they are to people's feelings even when those people are denying having those feelings

If they'd had their fingers burnt by offending someone previously, as pp suggests, surely they just won't ask the same question again.

I think this is close to it! A sort of faux-wokeness, or faux-empathy. It's as if they're oh-so aware of how I must be feeling, but its complete bullshit because they're not tuned in at all / not listening. It's patronising! Maybe that's the word I was looking for..

Not everything is a label or anything more than bad communication.

Or you could be looking for an issue?

On the face of it, I'm not sure they'd done anything wrong and could just feel insecure around u

However seeings you've posted on an Internet forum about them, looking for a name for their behaviour, perhaps they are right to be so

Could be one of several reasons.

I know someone who genuinely worries ALL THE TIME that they have offended people. For really small things that are really not offensive. Apologises to an irritating degree, at length, but it's borne out of a genuine fear they have done something wrong, not based on the other person's reaction at all.

Many people are on edge not to say 'the wrong thing' (which is understandable given how much coverage is given in the media / social media etc about the 'right' and 'wrong' things to say - and how quickly 'right' and 'wrong' can change). So it could be basic politeness.

It could be that, although you say you reassured these people that you weren't offended / upset, that you aren't as reassuring as you think you are. Maybe you gave off a slightly spiky note in your response so they weren't convinced. As several people have done this recently, you have to consider this option. I know that if I apologise to someone and they say 'it's fine' but their tone of voice or the words they use don't convince me, it leaves me with the feeling that it isn't actually fine.

So I think there are several possible reasons, in addition to those given above, that come from a place of politeness and decency. And I think those reasons are more likely, especially if the people you're talking about are basically decent, polite people.

Of course if they aren't 'nice' people, then it could be something else.