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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am not coping with break up

13 replies

Crumpets123 · 23/09/2021 14:17

It has been 2 months. At first I was so positive and motivated. I felt optimistic that this would be a good opportunity for me to work on myself, and see friends and focus on myself. But I think I was still hopeful we could sort things out, whereas now I am losing hope with each day.

I am going to counselling every week but I just feel so depressed. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I am crying all the time. I don't want to see anyone or do anything and I have lost all that motivation I had.

My ex says that she will always love and have feelings for me, that she "knows she will change her mind again if she sees me" but I just feel like she is being so cold and detached and doesn't seem bothered, whereas I can barely function.

I don't understand how she could walk away if she says she will always have feelings for me :( I want her back and am aching for her so much

OP posts:

Glitterb · 23/09/2021 14:44

I’m sorry you are having a hard time OP

Are you still in contact with your ex? If so then I’m really sorry but you need to cut contact. You deserve better than someone who can’t make their mind up about you and you will end up getting hurt.

Just remember that life does go on and the only way to move on is by cutting ties and respecting your own worth.

Irene91 · 23/09/2021 14:47

I wish u lots love.. Definitely cut contact.. There a memory leave them in the past x

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 23/09/2021 14:56

I wish we could go no contact but we have 2 dogs and she has to look after them whilst I am at work. They are rescue dogs and are very anxious so can't be left on their own or with a random dog sitter. I would give anything to be able to go no contact as I know that makes it so much easier :(

OP posts:

KintsugiForever · 23/09/2021 14:59

Agree, you must go no contact, it is the only way. Each time you talk you will be back to square one and the cycle starts again. Be kind to yourself, it's ok to be sad, but staying in touch just prolongs the recovery time. There's a good Ted Talk by Antonio Pascual-Leone on break ups that is worth watching if you need a boost.

sloutside · 23/09/2021 15:58

What alternative arrangements might be possible for the dogs?

TheFoundations · 23/09/2021 16:05

You are allowed to feel shit, you know? It's totally normal to have a period after breaking up where you feel like you can't handle it for a while, especially if you have to keep seeing your ex.

Eat everyday, keep hydrated every day, shower every day, go outdoors every day. See friends as often as you can. That's all you have to do.

It will get better on its own, if you let yourself go through this at your own pace. It hurts and it's tedious and it lasts longer than you want it to, but that's what breaking up is like.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 23/09/2021 16:12

@sloutside

What alternative arrangements might be possible for the dogs?

Giving them up to her but I can't bare to let them go :( I feel like each option is a lose-lose

OP posts:

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 23/09/2021 16:13

@TheFoundations

You are allowed to feel shit, you know? It's totally normal to have a period after breaking up where you feel like you can't handle it for a while, especially if you have to keep seeing your ex.

Eat everyday, keep hydrated every day, shower every day, go outdoors every day. See friends as often as you can. That's all you have to do.

It will get better on its own, if you let yourself go through this at your own pace. It hurts and it's tedious and it lasts longer than you want it to, but that's what breaking up is like.

Thank you. I just can't stop blaming myself for it not working out, and feel so much anger at myself for not being a better partner

OP posts:

altmember · 23/09/2021 16:18

It's over, move on. She's just being polite when she says she'll always love you and have feelings for you. She means as a friend, not a lover. It would probably make the process easier if she said she hated you.

How come she says she won't see you because she'll change her mind, yet you're swapping the dogs twice a day? And you saying you can't go no contact because of that? Work something else out with the dogs so you can go no contact.

TheFoundations · 23/09/2021 16:19

You were being yourself, Crumpets. Only that. Nothing more, nothing less. If this relationship was meant to be, you, exactly as you are, would already be the perfect partner.

Stop blaming yourself; it takes two to make or break a relationship. I'm sure if she's behaved differently towards you, you would have behaved differently yourself, right?

You have to look at things now as a single person. It takes a while to adjust and it's not nice to start with. But think about the shape you would like your life to be, regardless of any relationship. Take steps, really small ones. What have you always really wanted to do? Even if you don't feel like you want to do anything just now, take a step towards that: google the place you've always wanted to go. Do some online browsing of courses in things you've always wanted to learn. Pick up a hobby you dropped by accident. Play a game with someone that you loved when you were 12.

Just do a little bit of something or other that is entirely you, and not 'you and her'. Just a little bit.

Dery · 23/09/2021 18:16

"You are allowed to feel shit, you know? It's totally normal to have a period after breaking up where you feel like you can't handle it for a while, especially if you have to keep seeing your ex.

Eat everyday, keep hydrated every day, shower every day, go outdoors every day. See friends as often as you can. That's all you have to do.

It will get better on its own, if you let yourself go through this at your own pace. It hurts and it's tedious and it lasts longer than you want it to, but that's what breaking up is like."

This is very good advice. 2 months is not much time at all after a serious relationship. As you've said - it's now really sinking in that the relationship is over. I think it's quite normal to actually feel a bit worse at this point because there's a certain initial shock and numbness which can come with a relationship break-up whereas around the 2 month mark it starts to feel very real. And as @TheFoundations said - that's just how it is.

But you will feel better again - time really is a great healer. And at least you're going through your pain and really feeling it rather than burying it and ignoring it (which in the end would make it last longer and cause it pop up at really awkward times).

In life, I've found the most painful lessons are often the most useful. No matter how uncomfortable they may have been at the time, when I look back at them later, I'm glad I went through them. With that in mind, I find it very helpful to try and make pain and discomfort work for me. You say that you blame yourself for the break up. We don't know whether you behaved badly, whether you and your ex were just incompatible or whether you and she are both equally responsible for the split. It's rare for a relationship breakdown to be entirely down to one party. But if you know there are things you could have done better (nobody's perfect after all), then learn from this. Work out what you would do differently going forward. And then, when you're in your next relationship - try to do those things differently. Make this experience work for your growth and development.

Billi80 · 22/09/2022 20:40

Am in a very similar situation. How are things a year later?

BudgetBlast · 22/09/2022 20:44

Your feelings are perfectly normal. Breakups are absolutely awful.

I think you need to do whatever you can to make a clean break. The dog thing clearly isn’t helpful. It is locking you into a fantasy that this situation will return to what you want. The sooner you are in a place to let go of that fantasy the sooner you will recover.

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