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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a bf but I have this off feeling and I’m not sure really what it is?

23 replies

Alwayswanting1 · 23/09/2021 13:20

I have a bf of just over a year but I’m just not sure about it all.

I don’t know if it’s me or him or no ones fault.

I have had this feeling on and off for a while now. I feel disconnected to him. I go for periods without seeing him and I just don’t like it really. He works a lot, if that is what he wants then so be it but I’m feeling rejected I suppose. I have told him 3 or 4 times and he says awww you shouldn’t feel like that but truth is I do. I can’t keep ignoring it and telling myself all the time you just being needy, maybe I am, I don’t know. I don’t want to appear needy. I don’t need him, I have a house and a job etc.

He feels like a stranger to me at times just chatting online, I want more touch and time otherwise I feel like this. There is nothing wrong with him, he is lovely and sweet but I have this feeling.

OP posts:
Kottontail · 23/09/2021 13:28

Hi, can't read & run. I had this about six months in. I could have written what you said & like you, it didn't sit right. I had the chat & told him my needs. If they could be met, then great, if they couldn't, he wasn't for me. It worked out great & it's a year now with a really good routine (both busy with work & kids). We can only see each other twice a week but video call/chat/message every day to keep us connected. Best of luck. Be open about your needs. X

Regularsizedrudy · 23/09/2021 13:36

I think you need to dump him and find someone who’d an offer what you need.

Regularsizedrudy · 23/09/2021 13:36

Who can*

Original poster
Alwayswanting1 · 23/09/2021 13:50

I think it’s me. Life is better when he is around. But then he is gone and I have these feelings, then I miss him and I don’t have the energy for all those feelings.

OP posts:
Dery · 23/09/2021 14:01

"I think it’s me. Life is better when he is around. But then he is gone and I have these feelings, then I miss him and I don’t have the energy for all those feelings."

No-one needs to be at fault here but it really sounds like he's unable to offer what you need. It doesn't sound from your posts like you're being particularly demanding of his time; it sounds rather like he's comfortable going significant chunks of time without meeting up. Really if this is to be a successful long-term relationship, he should be prioritising his relationship with you - sure, he still has to work (as do you), but outside work spending time with you and nurturing the relationship should be a priority. It sounds like it isn't.

And it's silly of him to tell you that you shouldn't be feeling rejected; in fact, he should be listening to you when you share your feelings. You don't need to live in each other's pockets but if he's frequently choosing not to spend time with you when he could be spending time with you, then yes, you're going to feel rejected. It sounds like your relationship is less important to him than it is to you.

knittingaddict · 23/09/2021 14:06

I think it would help to know some facts.

How close do you live to each other?
Do you each have your own homes?
How long have you been together?
How often do you see each other?
How long are the gaps between seeing each other?

Thanks.

Original poster
Alwayswanting1 · 23/09/2021 14:10

We live extremely close, about 3 mins.
Yes we both have own homes
1.3 years
I saw him for 2 hours this week so far but evening after he finished work and I fell asleep.
I’m 7 years old, 38.
I have a young child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwayswanting1 · 23/09/2021 14:11

7 years older lol!

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 23/09/2021 14:45

Thanks for answering.

Do you see him for whole days at the weekend? Do you do for days out together? Go on dates?

Sorry for all the questions, but it helps to know what your relationship is like.

It's not sounding very fulfilling so far.

sloutside · 23/09/2021 15:55

I don't think you are needy.
However, I think the time he has available to offer you/time he wants to spend with you, does not match up with how much time you would like to spend with you.
You can chat to him about this and see if he is able to make more time available to you.
But at the end of the day, if the amount of time he wants to spend with you and the amount of time you want to spend with him are not approximately similar then you aren't compatible and you should move on to meet someone who does have more time to offer you.

I made this mistake with an ex - trying to get him to spend more time with me when he simply didn't want to, even though he claimed to love me and all the rest.

sloutside · 23/09/2021 15:56

time you would like to spend with HIM

TheHouseIsOnFire · 23/09/2021 16:03

I felt like this with my DP for many years. In fact we have a running joke where if we haven’t seen each other for a week or two, he will introduce himself as if I’ve never met him Grin

He used to go away on business for 2-3 weeks at a time and it took me a few days to get back into being natural with him, as he just felt like a stranger to me!

Nowadays it’s rare that we go for more than a few days without seeing each other. But when we do, it’s a full evening or weekend, we hang out together (with my DC), watching TV, going out for dinner, chatting, sex etc so that we properly connect every time. If it was just an hour or two then it wouldn’t really count in my book.

It’s ok to have needs and to communicate those needs. If there’s something he could be doing to help you feel connected then tell him. Either he steps up or he doesn’t, in which case you can decide if this will work for you long term.

For me I think there’s a healthy dose of self preservation in there. Like if he left I’d be ok, I wouldn’t be pining away for him as he’d just be “somebody that I used to know”. Sadly when we’ve had a big bust up in the past and I’ve been without him, this has not been the case!!

You will take a while to grow into each other’s patterns. It’s been 10 years for us and I’m still having to push the point sometimes that if he doesn’t contact me when we’re apart etc it means I lose that connection to him. One day he might get it!!

Yummypumpkin · 23/09/2021 16:16

How have you felt in previous relationships? Have you felt like this before?

Original poster
Alwayswanting1 · 23/09/2021 16:27

I would miss him a great deal but I don’t like the way its making me feel at the moment.
When I see him it will feel better then it just seems to cycle. I can’t really put my finger on it. Those 2 hours of seeing him are just not enough to make me feel secure I guess.
Sometimes I get to stay over a night but then a large gap again.

OP posts:
seensome · 23/09/2021 16:39

To only see him for 2 hours a week and only 3 mins apart is very poor. Does he work evenings? You would like expect to stay over each other's houses at least a couple of nights a week being that close, what about days off, where is he?

Original poster
Alwayswanting1 · 23/09/2021 17:36

Having a small child means I’m not so flexible. I think it comes down to I want more and he wants less….not compatible and I’m left feeling deflated and he’s absolutely ok. He gets shocked when I tell him I’m not happy.

OP posts:
middlingmess · 23/09/2021 17:37

It doesn't sound like you are getting any of your needs met? Apart from sex (which is what I assume you spend those 2 hours doing) what else do you do together? Or do you cook him a meal and then have sex and then he leaves? That doesn't sound like a relationship to me, more like a convenience

Original poster
Alwayswanting1 · 23/09/2021 18:04

Nope it doesn’t, I guess he is, probably why he is happy and I’m not.

When I met him he discussed briefly some of his friends who have relationships where they lived apart, had there own friends etc and just met for company and fun. It sounds like this is what we are having. Although the time we spent together is nice it feels a bit empty now. I can sense it. I need more and I don’t think he able to give it or he would have. Sad really.

OP posts:
AnotherLongDay · 23/09/2021 18:11

‘Getting together for company and fun’ This sounds like friends with benefits

Original poster
Alwayswanting1 · 23/09/2021 19:00

Yes @AnotherLongDay it does doesn’t it. I’ve asked the same question and always get no but it bloody feels like it.

OP posts:
TheHouseIsOnFire · 23/09/2021 19:04

Well it doesn’t matter what he thinks it is. He may think it’s a deeply committed relationship but if it doesn’t feel like it to you then it isn’t.

Sounds like you have 2 options - either go your separate ways and try and find someone who wants the same as you (this may involve you having to open up a bit more and allow him into your life when your child is also around, otherwise you’re severely limiting things yourself) - or you have to talk to him and tell him you want more, come up with an arrangement which feels more like a deep relationship to you, including messaging in between date nights etc and if he can’t or won’t commit to more then you go your separate ways anyway. Staying like this isn’t an option if it doesn’t make you happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2021 19:05

I'm sorry, op, but he is simply not invested in this relationship. If he wanted to spend more time with you he easily could, but he doesn't. He wants the casual fun bits, not any real commitment. He's not giving you want you need, so time to move on.

Original poster
Alwayswanting1 · 23/09/2021 19:12

Yes @Aquamarine1029 you are probably right and it hurts as my child is involved. What an idiot I am.

OP posts:
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