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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Another stressy, sulky husband - think I'm reaching "had enough" territory

36 replies

OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 12:43

Need a bit of a hand hold tbh.

I've had enough of my husband's stressiness and sulking. Came on here for advice and it seems as if I am far from the only one with a sulky husband!

The current sulk is because I said we needed to take our son for a PCR test. He was coughing a lot and had a mild fever. Husband very huffily arranged it while I was also trying to book, took him for the test (I would gladly have taken him) and he's been sulking ever since. He is a bit of a stress head. He works hard. I'm a SAHM to preschool and primary age kids. It would cost us money for me to go back to work after childcare costs.

I've tried to tell him we don't need him to work as much as he does - bit of a weird story, but I inherited a chunk of money a while ago and we have a really decent cushion in savings (£100k+ - not a stealth boast! Honestly just for context), if we wanted to explore a different lifestyle where he doesn't have to work so hard.

He does a lot with the kids and I am grateful for that. I've seen on here how many women don't get any help at all. But he does it with such an attitude. He does things I am perfectly capable of doing, but am not doing for a good reason; eg he whisks the kids out for an outing at about 8 o'clock when they should be going to bed.

I have tried to broach this in a sympathetic way, saying don't run yourself into the ground. We are completely fine! He doesn't especially want me to go back to work. He's very shoulder shruggy about it.

Last night I said "oh I need to find that document for tomorrow" and he went off to find it. I said I didn't need him to look for it, I'll find it. So he got all arsey and said no he had to find it or I'd hone him at work or something (I wouldn't - the only times I've spoken to him a work were things like when he took my keys by accident and I couldn't get into the house or else when he used to phone or a natter).

I just feel as if he thinks I'm some sort of idiot who can't do anything for myself and a general source of irritation. He is always irritated either with me, the kids, work, driving, whatever - his mode is constantly pissed off. It isn't necessary. He doesn't need to be doing that job if he doesn't want to. We have breathing room for him to look for something else or for me to look for something else. Funnily enough he isn't keen to stay at home with DCs though.

We live in an area away from my family - very far away, like a plane journey or a very long train journey. This is for his work. We have followed his work around for ages and all his does is moan about it and how much he spends on living here. I feel as if I can't help him de-stress if he won't help himself.

He is a reasonably high earner, but the reason he said we could never leave his work was due to some of the benefits he got with it, like flexible working and good pension, except that when he's at home the whole family is more on edge, and he doesn't seem to want to spend time with us, so that perk doesn't look so perky! Also the pension and some of the flex working conditions have changed lately, so he doesn't get the same perks he said were keeping him there.

I really want to move somewhere cheaper and have a more calm family, but he isn't interested, he just wants to bat us away so he can carry on with whatever agenda he has (usually that is storming around being angry). If we fall out he never ever initiates making up. He will just ignore me.

I've had about enough. I don't know how to get through to him tbh and I wonder if it's time to really call it quits.

It occurred to me recently that I was reading about affairs on here and I thought I wish he'd do that so I could get rid of him Blush. Which is clearly a dreadful thing to think!!! I may be being a bit erratic here as well, which is the other thing making me post as I may need a bit of talking down.

Thanks if you've read all that!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/09/2021 12:48

It sounds like you should speak to a lawyer and tell him you’re not happy. Don’t stay with him when he doesn’t make you feel loved, wanted or supported

BigButtons · 23/09/2021 12:49

Tbh- I would tell him that you are unhappy and can’t carry on as you are. Be open and honest but without any emotional spin. See how he reacts and if that changes anything. If he continues then decide whether you can continue.

OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 12:49

I'm definitely thinking of speaking to a solicitor. I feel as if I just can't stand him at the minute.

OP posts:
BigButtons · 23/09/2021 12:51

Before you talk to a lawyer you need to talk to your husband

OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 12:53

I've said I can't carry on with things like this once a few months ago and then also said yesterday that he needs to find a way to make himself happier. I have had to leave friends and family, suffered a traumatic bereavement, and taken a big career break for our family. Every suggestion I've ever made to make things better for us has been shot down for one reason or another, and I am still the one tap dancing to help him be happy! Surely it should be the other way round in the circumstances.

OP posts:
BigButtons · 23/09/2021 12:54

I m having issues with my OH. He has become spectacularly apathetic about everything. It’s like being with a dementor. It doesn’t make my difference I tell him how I’ m feeling. He says he will make an effort but he doen’t . Makes me so sad and I feel so unattractive and unwanted.

Onlinedilema · 23/09/2021 12:55

I agree with Big Buttons.
It’s all about your dh isn’t it.
He decided where you live, he wants you to stay at home. Tell him you are not happy with X and Y and see what he says. If he doesn’t make any attempt at all to rectify this you have your answer.
From the sounds of it you would be financially able to support yourself and be happier moving.

OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 12:57

So sorry @BigButtons. Maybe it's a MH problem? For mine as well? It's awful. Mine is similarly apathetic unless he's storming around. He honestly looks catatonic at times. Maybe it is MH. I don't understand how anyone could choose to get to that point without it being a MH issue. When I say to him he doesn't seem happy at all he says he is completely happy as long as I don't "have a go at" him

OP posts:
OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 12:58

@Onlinedilema

I agree with Big Buttons. It’s all about your dh isn’t it. He decided where you live, he wants you to stay at home. Tell him you are not happy with X and Y and see what he says. If he doesn’t make any attempt at all to rectify this you have your answer. From the sounds of it you would be financially able to support yourself and be happier moving.
Thanks. It's all joint money as we are married, but yes, we could afford for me to leave. I also am lucky enough to have one parent who could probably help me in a serious pinch, but I don't know if I want to go down that road yet.
OP posts:
BigButtons · 23/09/2021 12:59

@OfficerByrd yes I think it is MH issue, depression? I dunno.

OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 13:29

Whatever it is, I'm sorry you're experiencing similar buttons.

I'll try again later if he ever sits down long enough to have a proper conversation with him. Do I tell him I'm leaving if things don't change and we need to discuss how we sort that out?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2021 14:22

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like this?. No you would not.

I would call it quits and seek legal advice asap re ending the marriage.

His behaviour towards you (and in turn the children who will pick up on this too) is abusive. You should not need him to have an affair in order to get rid of him; the fact he is abusive towards you is reason enough to declare the relationship over. Your marriage has been all about him; his work determining where you all live, he wants you to stay at home (therefore making you even more dependent on him) and he's still not happy!. So he does a lot with the kids (but even that is conditional); he should bloody well be doing that anyway because he is a parent. He will never be happy; such types always blame others rather than their own self for their issues.

My guess too is that he behaves completely differently around and to people in the outside world. I would not readily subscribe either MH or depression issues to such types; he does this because he can and he feels entitled to behave like this. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. Chances are as well, one or even both his parents behave the self same.

Anordinarymum · 23/09/2021 14:27

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like this?. No you would not.

I would call it quits and seek legal advice asap re ending the marriage.

His behaviour towards you (and in turn the children who will pick up on this too) is abusive. You should not need him to have an affair in order to get rid of him; the fact he is abusive towards you is reason enough to declare the relationship over. Your marriage has been all about him; his work determining where you all live, he wants you to stay at home (therefore making you even more dependent on him) and he's still not happy!. So he does a lot with the kids (but even that is conditional); he should bloody well be doing that anyway because he is a parent. He will never be happy; such types always blame others rather than their own self for their issues.

My guess too is that he behaves completely differently around and to people in the outside world. I would not readily subscribe either MH or depression issues to such types; he does this because he can and he feels entitled to behave like this. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. Chances are as well, one or even both his parents behave the self same.

Your last paragraph was insightful
ravenmum · 23/09/2021 14:54

It occurred to me recently that I was reading about affairs on here and I thought I wish he'd do that so I could get rid of him
This isn't a horrible thing to think; it's your mind working away in the background sensibly going over your options for improving your life.
Not wanting to be with someone, and wanting to leave them (or be left) doesn't make you a bad person.

If he was depressed and cared about you, or had anything like your sense of moral duty towards another person, he'd feel bad about his behaviour and seek help for his depression.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 23/09/2021 15:02

I wonder if he wants to break up but is pushing you to make the decision by acting badly
I left my H because I couldn't cope with his misery. He would never have made the decision himself. If life is more miserable when your H is present its time to get out

OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 15:06

Thanks so much for all of these.

I sort of hope he is trying to push me to make the first move as it were! He is a bit of a coward, so I wouldn't put it past him.

OP posts:
OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 15:12

Oh and yes, his parents and siblings are also pretty miserable. Chronically so. No reason to be, they just are.

OP posts:
OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 15:13

That was to the poster who said his parents were probably the same; yes.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 23/09/2021 15:17

@BigButtons

Before you talk to a lawyer you need to talk to your husband
You really don't OP.

You've already tried talking to him, even "raising it sympathetically" & he stonewalls you.
You may prefer to keep your cards very close to chest - especially if one of your goals is to move back closer to your own family with the DC.
You may decide that it's far better to have a quiet & PRIVATE word with a solicitor before making up your mind if you are going to leave.
That way, you can at least get your financial & legal options laid out clearly, JUST TO YOU, so that the facts can inform your decision-making.

When you say you wish he'd have an affair so that you have a reason to leave ...
I just feel as if he thinks I'm some sort of idiot who can't do anything for myself and a general source of irritation. He is always irritated either with me, the kids, work, driving, whatever - his mode is constantly pissed off.
... as if this isn't just as bad & upsetting to have to live with?

Also - you can leave for any "reason".
Trivial, severe, or NONE.

Walking on eggshells in your own home, being pulled around the world trailing your DH's career, enduring his sulks, anger, & feeling treated like an imbecile - compare that with what you actually WANT:

I really want to move somewhere cheaper and have a more calm family
But he doesn't want to.
He thinks he gets to decide 100% where you live, & excuses that unfairness by citing 'ManJob'.
He doesn't even want you to go back to work FFS.
Who made him the boss of you (& your career)?

You will be able to secure a cheaper house, & turn it into a calm oasis for your DC & you.
You don't need his permission to do so.

Take your time OP, arm yourself with legal info, talk to your family, & keep posting while you gather your thoughts & courage.

Flowers
FlowerArranger · 23/09/2021 15:25

You seem to be looking for 'valid' reasons to leave him, like him having an affair. And yet...

... when he's at home the whole family is more on edge, and he doesn't seem to want to spend time with us

His default MO is storming around being angry.

You already have plenty of valid reasons! He is abusive.

Do what's best for you and your children. Staying with this abusive man would be very damaging in the long run.

OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 16:01

Honestly, the way I feel today, a teeny flat without him would be nicer than our house with him in it. I never even liked the fucking house. His (terrible) choice again.

I am cool as a cucumber tbh. Just hope he doesn't try to turn on the charm when I see him later. It won't work anyway as his actions speak volumes. He hasn't considered my feelings really at any point, unless it's super convenient for him.

I do need to take this slowly and speak to people though. I know I can't take his kids away from him and move near my family, and I can't afford the (horrible) house on my own. So guess he can buy me out if he loves it so much.

OP posts:
BigButtons · 23/09/2021 16:01

@OfficerByrd if you have already tried your best to tell him how his behaviour is affecting you and he just stonewalls you then it is time to draw a line and call it quits.
My mum used to say that you know when you need to call time on a relationship when you dread hearing their key in the door.

OfficerByrd · 23/09/2021 16:04

Thanks buttons, yes, I know what your mum means!

I can't even blame my husband tbh. He has been telling me for years (through actions, not words) how little he values me and I've been missing it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/09/2021 16:12

Would you like to work?

He can easily stop you relocating to elsewhere in the country tbh.

If you would like to work look for a job and get that sorted out. Childcare costs are joint anyway and it will make it easier when you leave.

Thanks
BigButtons · 23/09/2021 16:13

@OfficerByrd probably more a case of not wanting to admit it because doing so is painful and requires action. Hoping that things will improve, not wanting to break up the family etc etc etc.
Usually the partner will find someway of blaming to make you feel as if it is you who is at fault and needs to change. You start to doubt yourself and don't trust your own judgement .
At the bottom of it all should be the questions "How do I feel when I am with this person? How does he make me feel about myself? Does being with him make my life 'better'?"