To be conflicted about this?

[AnotherName456]

Name Changed for this

I want to try and keep this as short and to the point as possible.

Grew up with an abusive dad who did some very questionable things, a few examples are:

Smashed up the house when I was about 7 or 8 and was at home with my older sibling. Had to lock ourselves in the bathroom as we were terrified he was going to kill us. We contemplated climbing out of the bathroom window which was on the second floor. When he calmed down we were forced to clean up the mess.

Punched me in the face when I got drunk at 15

Called me a slut when I was 12

Emotionally and financially abusive towards my mum

Very controlling, wasn't allowed out after school or allowed phone calls from friends or to socialise in general.

These are just a few of the things that happened

My dad died when I was 18 and things never really got resolved.

It's his birthday today and every year my mum insists on celebrating it in some way, usually by going out for a meal. Is this a strange thing to do considering everything that happened? I am having a hard time with it and feel pressured into going. My mum was aware of everything that happened and was treated pretty badly herself so I find it all very confusing

Do I have to the right to refuse to go? Is it being disrespectful?

Of course you have the right to refuse to go; you don’t want to celebrate his life because he was abusive. Have you ever spoken to your mum about him and his actions towards you? Some therapy would help you as well

You have every right to refuse to go. I think it's disrespectful to you to expect you to commemorate your abuser's life. If she wants to, fine, but you don't have to go along with the farce that her husband was a good man and father, that left a hole in your life when he died.

@Shoxfordian

Of course you have the right to refuse to go; you don’t want to celebrate his life because he was abusive. Have you ever spoken to your mum about him and his actions towards you? Some therapy would help you as well

I've spoken to her many times about it. That's why it's so frustrating, I'm made to feel like it's not a big deal. She down plays it a lot and will say things like "you never remember the good times"

Tell her then that your memories are not hers and that you don’t want to celebrate his memory at all. Be clear and don’t engage into any “why not?”or “Don’t you remember x” type comments