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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where did that come from?

37 replies

BlueMonkey01 · 23/09/2021 05:24

Me and my partner have been together almost 3 years, weve been engaged for around a month now, we live together, about a year.
We met at work about 5 years ago and still work together now. There's a 10 year age gap, hes older.

Before I start this I will say he had an altercation with a family member earlier on in the evening so he wasn't in the best of moods anyway before work cropped up in the conversation.

Just general chats about work then he went on a massive rant about how I never listen, how many times does he have to tell me things he's getting worn out watching what I'm doing all the time.
He literally does pick up on everything I do saying I have to watch you because I don't want you getting into trouble. Even though when he has days off, I manage perfectly fine without him there.
He has admitted that sometimes I don't actually do anything wrong, its just because I don't do things the way he does. He says his job would be a lot nicer and relaxed if I wasn't there. So I respond with, I'll look for another job if that's how you feel. He returned with, see I can't talk to you about anything, look how you react! Like, how am I supposed to react to something like that?
Anyway, it almost ended up in n argument, would have been our first one in 3 years.

I was that upset I literally just sat and cried and now I don't want to go to work today knowing how he feels. Part of me thinks or even hopes that the blow up was because of the earlier altercation because he's not normally that sharp or snappy with me.

On a side note I'll add that work has been quite stressful the last couple of months its been rather busy and we're both shattered at the end of the day

He got into bed with me last night, cuddled me and told me he loves me. So I'll see what today brings, see how he is with me.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/09/2021 05:41

Does he take over/make you feel like you can't do anything right at home as well?

BlueMonkey01 · 23/09/2021 05:44

There has been the odd occasion at home where he's had a bit of a pop if I've not done something the way he does it.

OP posts:
Spiindoctor · 23/09/2021 05:50

He got into bed with me last night, cuddled me and told me he loves me.

so once he's dumped all his anger, frustration, bad temper by shouting at you he's a happy boy and loves you - fuck that.
he will just keep using you as a punch bag. You will end up a nervous wreck.

It seems it isn't you that is annoying him but other things. As I said above he takes out his feelings of anger or failure or whatever on you.

You need to have a SERIOUS discussion - I bet he isn't aware or doesn't admit to himself that he is doing. Give him an ultimatum - no more of it.

rattlemehearties · 23/09/2021 05:51

Is he your boss? Why is he "watching" you at work? He sounds like a bully who is trying to undermine you and ruin your confidence.

AtlasPine · 23/09/2021 05:55

MUCH healthier not to work together and please don’t let him undermine you at home either. It really does sound as if he feels he is superior to you.

BlueMonkey01 · 23/09/2021 05:56

It is something he does regular, if he's in a bad mood something will be my fault or he will have a pop about something. I only ever try to support him or be there for him.
If he needs to vent or get things off his chest I have no problems listening to him but not when it's directed at me especially if I haven't done anything wrong.
If I respond I 'always have to have the last word' if I sit quietly and just listen I 'switch off and don't care about him'

OP posts:
BlueMonkey01 · 23/09/2021 06:02

I know how to do my job, that's how I've managed to stay there for as long as I have. But the way he is with me at work sometimes it is starting to knock my confidence a little bit.
Some new jobs came in recently I wasn't too sure so I asked how would be the best way to do it. He said you've got to try and do things on your own so I try. Only for him to come over and say I wouldn't have done it like that I'd have done it like this and he showed me then said 'god you make things awkward' so I say, I did come and ask your advice how would be best and look what response I got.

OP posts:
Spiindoctor · 23/09/2021 06:03

If I respond I 'always have to have the last word'

Make a date to have a discussion about this, as you probably won't get to the bottom of it in the heat of the moment - quiet time with no interruptions, take turns to speak and hear each other out.

AtlasPine · 23/09/2021 06:04

Oh gosh he does sound a bit of a nightmare. Could you see yourself making a break from him? You would probably be better off going solo.

BlueMonkey01 · 23/09/2021 06:06

No, I love him. Find another job yes, it seems to be work that's making him snappy but I don't want to actually leave him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2021 06:12

Why do you not want to leave him?. Ask yourself that question. You think this is really how women are treated in relationships?. So every time he’s in a bad mood you’re blamed and or it’s somehow your fault?.

You may well love him but his actions towards you are not loving ones. He is to be treating you like you’re the child with he being the parent.

Finknottlesnewt · 23/09/2021 06:19

Is he your boss at work OP or just a colleague?

If not your boss - what does your actual boss think of your standard of work. This will hopefully be a genuine assessment of your competence. If your boss has no problem with your work tell your partner to bog off amd stop undermining you at work.

He does sound controlling. However you can choose not to be controlled. Make it clear you do not need his assistance at work and do not appreciate this behaviour at home !

pilates · 23/09/2021 06:54

🚩

Rubyrebel · 23/09/2021 07:29

He sounds controlling and undermining. This will only get worse. Speak to him and if nothing changes you need to think with your head and not your heart. Good luck

YukoandHiro · 23/09/2021 07:33

I could not deal with that. Why does he feel like your work reflects on him? That sounds possessive.

Get a new job elsewhere and see if the relationship survives. Don't get married in a rush.

FetchezLaVache · 23/09/2021 07:36

Some new jobs came in recently I wasn't too sure so I asked how would be the best way to do it. He said you've got to try and do things on your own so I try. Only for him to come over and say I wouldn't have done it like that I'd have done it like this and he showed me then said 'god you make things awkward'

He's setting you up to fail. He's already got you doubting your own, perfectly acceptable methods. I note that he didn't say there was anything actually wrong with your approach, just that he would have done it differently. Your confidence will be in tatters by the time he's finished with you and that treatment has already started to follow you home.

Think long and hard about the possibility that he is not the good man you think he is.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/09/2021 07:40

I don't like his comments of...you always have to have the last word! That's nasty and completely shutting you down. Actually, to be honest, the more you share the less l like him as a partner or even as a fellow worker ( boss?)
Tread very carefully. Does he ever apologise for his sharp words?

FetchezLaVache · 23/09/2021 07:40

Food for thought, OP. Tonight, initiate a calm discussion about the possibility of your looking for a new job. I bet you my house he will talk you out of it, because he won't in fact want to release you from his professional control. Try it and, if you like, report back.

rattlemehearties · 23/09/2021 07:42

Why do you love him, OP? He isn't acting like he loves or respects you

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2021 07:42

The power and control balance here is well in his favour with you having little to no real say in it. He has no respect for you at all and I would also think your confidence pre meeting him was higher than it is now.

And I would concur that you are being set up to fail; controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. Talking to him about this would be a waste of time; he sees nothing wrong with how he treats you both at work and home.

Rebuild your life without him in it. For goodness sake do not marry him.

EmeraldRaine · 23/09/2021 07:45

Do you think he loves you?

Would you speak to someone you love the way he talks to you?

Did he apologise for his little temper tantrum?

LastGirlSanding · 23/09/2021 07:45

It’s depressing you seem to spend so much time and energy being an emotional sponge for him while he sets you up to fail and ensures your responses are incorrect. Very telling that he ofte. berates you whether you keep quiet and are passive or if you respond. It means you will always be wrong, no matter your response on top of having to tolerate him ‘venting’ (using you as an emotional punchbag) at you.

More depressing that the idea of not being with him seems to be so out of the question youve not even thought about it. Why should that be, because of ‘love’? How he treats you doesn’t sound very loving at all.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 23/09/2021 08:13

Change jobs..
You will still get the brunt of his shitty moods at home..
It called being a twat.
Which is what he is.

HollowTalk · 23/09/2021 08:26

It drives me nuts when someone describes a really horrible man and then says they want to stay with them. Why on earth would you want to stay with a man like this?

FetchezLaVache · 23/09/2021 09:41

No, I get it, to be fair, having personally ignored my own parade's worth of red flags and married the controlling sod anyway. Because I loved him and love would see us through, innit. :(

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