Is this normal or abuse?

[Viviennethebeautiful]

Been with my partner 3 years.I am 50s he is 60s Mostly good to great.

The last 10 weeks he has been verbally horrible. I have responded, don’t think I initiated anything much. However I do respond. Not claiming perfection at all.

I have situational depression (GP diagnosed) it’s come back. All since this started

We both had CEO jobs of very similar situations but obviously 10 years apart. Both retired. So strong willed but lots in common.

I am now very unhappy and eating and drinking the wrong things. Absolutely not my normal behaviour..

He is successful, solvent and good looking. I am less so ( gambling ex)
but own my home and can live pleasantly. He never has subsidised me.

Tonight he wants a curry. I say I will treat him as he has been nice🙈
He tells what time and I will pick him up.
I respond saying “apparently xx
I mean’t it amusingly

I get a verbal tirade for being so rude, apparently not amusing and offensive.

This is such a typical experience over the last couple of months to very similar things and to even breathing. (Honestly)

I feel very unhappy but am scared it took me 10 years to find this one.
The first couple of years were wonderful. I know leaving him is the answer and I am close.

Scared of life alone and thinking I could pass up the best that was ever on offer to me at this stage in my life.

Been married.. I now realise good husband material but we had nothing in common. I want that man but with something to talk about.

Is it possible this is a medication/ time of life.
Or am I kidding myself?

Sorry it’s long but to be honest I needed to write it even if I have no replies

I don’t get what you meant by “apparently xx”. It’s sounds sarcastic or passive aggressive. What did you mean and why should it have been amusing to him.

It’s not abuse to say some is rude if you did indeed perceive them to be rude. And I don’t think this is a case of gaslighting but your response was odd.

If you didn’t mean it that way then it’s fairly clear the relationship isn’t working and there is a rift or resentment somewhere.

I'm sorry op i don't understand your example above so its difficult to say going off this if it was a normal reaction or not. However if you're not happy with his behaviour you need to speak to him

What time shall I pick it up?

Apparently

Makes no sense

Did he tell you you'll pick him up? And you joked 'apparently xx'?

And he went huffy / ranty?

You offered to treat him to a curry because he's been good? That sounds quite patronising and condescending.
He asks if you'll pick him up?And you reply "Apparently?" How is that in anyway amusing?
It all sounds a bit of an odd relationship after years together. You're obviously not happy, and staying with someone in case you may not get any other offers is just crazy.
Call it a day and be better in no relationship, rather than the wrong one.

I'm not really sure how your response relates to the conversation, or why he was supposed to find it amusing. I'm not seeing anything abusive there, though. Unless I'm missing something

There are so many double meanings in that post.

"Tonight he wanted a curry, I said I would treat him as he has been being nice," was this sarcastic or were you trying to pacify him, diffuse anger, are you walking on eggshells.?

He then orders you to pick him up and you say sarcastically "apparently"
He didn't get the joke because it was passive aggresive but it sounds as though you think he is a rude, disrespectful bore but you fancy him like mad.

Good looks alone are not enough for someone to get away behaving like a wanker, if that's what you feel he has become.

It's hard to tell from what you've written but if you're not happy or he doesn't treat you well then you'd be happier away from him.

Better to be alone than in a bad relationship

Did the "apparently " comment come as a back up to " as you've been nice " sarcastic bit ?

As in " I'm offering a curry as apparently you've been nice to me ? "

Otherwise I don't get it either sorry ?
However it's intended , it sounds done to me

Thanks for all the responses. So much truth in them. He does tell me where and when/how we will meet. I can see he could have taken it as passive aggressive, I felt I was responding to his command and control direction. Genuinely was trying to be friendly but can now see it was wrong.
We will go to x, at 7.30, you will pick me up.
The relationship has descended into that. He makes me feel so small and belittled. I am trying to understand how something so good, has turned so horrible. He even told me that he is with me because medication has pretty much killed his sex drive ( his biggest hobby) and he can’t face explaining that to someone new.

There is no 'normal'. What's abusive to one person isn't necessarily abusive to another person. Some things are, but that doesn't mean that if you feel abuse may have taken place, you have to check down a tick list of 'What is abuse and what isn't' to work out the right response.

The fact is, he's treated you in a way that you didn't like, and since you are the one who needs to set and enforce your own boundaries, you need to tell him so. What would happen if you did this?

'The best that's on offer' is never going to be a partner you think might be abusing you. Being single is on offer, and it's preferable to that, regardless of how desperately you might want to be in a relationship.

Why are you scared of life alone? Why are you trying to excuse him from treating you badly, via medication/time of life? Even if those things are at play, he is still treating you in a way you don't like.

I am trying to understand how something so good, has turned so horrible

Because his behaviour has changed. You will never understand it further than this, because you would never do to somebody what he is doing to you. The very fact that you find it so horrible to deal with is a guarantee that you will never understand. It's good that this sort of behaviour is incomprehensible to you; that indicates that you are good person. Trying to understand is like crucifying yourself. It will never happen. Closure will come in leaving the relationship, and accepting that you will never know why he started treating you badly.

'Normal', 'abuse' - these are just labels. What matters here is that the turn this relationship has taken has brought back your depression, you're being ordered about, and you're not even getting sex. I honestly don't see the point of it at all.

Thank you all particularly @TheFoundations.
You are right I am crucifying myself trying to understand why he has changed. I need to grieve and move on.
I was alone for seven years before this and had a decent life. We are completely financially independent of each other which helps. I have to relearn how to make a single life