Leaving an abusive marriage with SEN children

[Twinsanity1]

Hello lovely mumsnetters. I’ve been a lurker here on and off for many years, mainly reading the abuse threads and trying to muster the courage to leave (never have, successfully). I’m so in awe of the women who have made it to the other side. If anyone could read my story and give me some feedback I’d be so grateful. At this point I’m pretty sure that I’m so worn down and gaslit that I’m close to breakdown, and I’m stuck in a rut of desperately overthinking everything, whilst actually achieving nothing. I’m having full body panic attacks and feel frozen with fear- of the unknown, of being wrong, of being mad.
I’m pretty sure that I have been abused emotionally, financially and sexually for the best part of 8 years. In that time I’ve had three kids. Two have special needs- autism. I also have a long term health condition- fibromyalgia, most likely caused by the extreme stress I’ve been under. I haven’t worked since dc1 was born abs prospects for work are slim, at least with me in this state. I think the fear of not being able to manage alone has been drilled into me so thoroughly that I am paralysed with doubt.
I’ve voiced to close family members that I’m nearing breaking point, but I think no one is going to ‘save’ me; I need to dig myself out of this hole I’m in.
My question is, has anyone got experience of leaving an abusive marriage with so many obstacles in their way?
Everything I read tells me that I WILL cope. When I managed to split from him briefly last year, I felt my authority and confidence with the kids improving. I felt better in myself and as a parent.
My main worries are about how the kids will take the disruption to their routine. And where we will go. I don’t want to stay in the house (I’m not even on the mortgage). I don’t think the abuse is ‘serious’ enough to warrant refuge, but the mere thought of trying to find housing is leaving me panicky and overwhelmed. I need to stop overthinking, don’t I? And just put one foot in front of the other, a step at a time.
Not even sure what I’m asking here, but thanks for letting me get it all out.

I left my 'D'H last summer. I have chronic medical conditions, 2 kids - 1 autistic, 1NT - all of us affected by the emotional abuse and gaslighting we have suffered for years.

I cannot tell you how our lives have been transformed. To see the kids blossom (now 15 and 11) they actually act like kids - bickering, laughing, being noisy... I love it! I am sleeping better, and feeling so much less stressed which is having a majorly positive effect on my health ( I have Addison's, so stress is a real health trigger for me).

Yes, I do have to rely on my kids to do more about the house, and they have to make their own dinner more often, as aI need to rest, but I do not regret it for a second.

If you are physically, emotionally and sexually abused and you have nowhere to go then that is serious enough to seek refuge. Call a helpline and talk through your options. Being abused is not the best life for your children, some find that a driving force to get out.

Congratulations Amiable, it’s so good to hear success stories like yours. And to hear of the positive effects on your kids and your health. I have a strong feeling that my fibro will improve when I’m out. I’m holding onto those thoughts to spur me on. Doing one good thing normally leads to more and more positive things falling into place, so it would make sense for the health stuff to improve. And surely the mental health stuff will improve; the panicky sicky feeling would dissipate, I could get my head together, find work, slowly…. I’m holding onto these thoughts and visualising my future every day. It’s just the getting started that is so daunting.
Nyfluff, the abuse isn’t physical. That’s why I feel over-dramatic thinking of refuge.
Small steps I’ve taken are calling women’s aid, admitting to friends and family (again, that the abuse is back) and calling abs leaving a message for a local solicitor to talk through my options.
I really, really hope I can be one of the posters who comes back with a positive outcome, having made the leap.

Hi Twinsanity1,

We're so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now.

If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.

We know our users can be wonderfully supportive and kind but real life help is useful too so make sure you find yourself some.

We hope things look a lot brighter for you really soon.
[Flowers]

@Twinsanity1 you could be me. Can't work, very sick from a chronic condition, SEN DC, though I'd just say emotional abuse, not financial, he can be a bit controlling and pressure around sex, I've definitely had sex I didn't want to, but he didn't know that. All feels horrible though 😓 and very much overthinking. It only occured to me recently that some of his behaviour is controlling and finally have an explanation for some very confusing behaviour, because he wasn't trying to get what he said he needed, like more sex, but more sex ONLY on his terms. We're in lockdown now, I'm trying to take some little steps. I read a thread once where the poster found it too overwhelming to think about leaving so she just focused on the next little step and she said by the time she'd done all the things she needed to, leaving didn't feel like a big step anymore. Wish I remembered the thread/OP.

I think I know that thread Luna! So sorry you are going through similar. I will keep updating, so that I can share anything useful that I may learn through this experience as it progresses. The main things that I’m concerned with, and which are scaring the living daylights out of me, is how I will cope with the kids. But really, I’m doing it all alone anyway. And when I’m away from the relationship, I will surely have better access to support and services- husband has always disapproved of involving ‘those people’, or telling people too much. So most likely, that fear I have is just a fear I have been conditioned to believe. Another fear is of my husband going for custody/ joint custody. I’m an argument once he said he would dig up every little thing from my past, use my MH issues against me, fight dirty (his words) and that he “would not live apart from his kids”. But again, if I unlock the reality of that, I have nothing to hide; I haven’t done anything wrong. My MH is suffering due to years of abuse, I think. And surely mums would not be persecuted for that. I have always been the main carer. He doesn’t even know what they like to eat, has never really educated himself about autism, never attended a meeting at school etc. I do all that. So I don’t think he would be capable of having them or meeting their needs if it came to a custody battle. On a good morning when I’m feeling positive and strong, it all seems doable. But on a bad day, when I’m wracked with pain, broke, walking on eggshells, it all feels overwhelming.
Baby steps. Onwards and upwards.