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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break it off now or later?

26 replies

ILoveCheapCrisps · 22/09/2021 13:15

I’ve been seeing a man for just over a year. He lives a couple of hours away and we usually spend a couple of days a week together.

It’s his birthday on Saturday. We’re going to a city halfway between us both to meet with his uni friends on Friday and then I’ve booked us a nice hotel Friday night and Saturday night and a meal out on Saturday evening. He claims he’s really looking forward to his birthday, said he’s been alone for the last couple and before that his exW always used to make them hell as she hated not being the centre of attention, apparently.

Anyway, for the last few weeks I’ve realised that I don’t think we really have much of a future. I like him but I’m not in love with him. He claims to be in love with me but he still has huge issues with his exW and I do t think he does really. He hasn’t done anything wrong at all, I’ve just started to notice that he’s a bit self obsessed and not really interested in anything I’ve got to say. Whenever I speak I can see him just patiently waiting until it’s his turn again iyswim. I only separated from my husband just over 18 months ago and my self esteem is really low. Spending days with a man who isn’t interested in what I say or do isn’t helping this. I’ve brushed all this under the carpet until now because the sex is amazing. I’ve genuinely never enjoyed sex before and it has been an absolute revelation to me.

But now I see his faults and realise we don’t have a future he’s really irritating me. He keeps wasting my time, telling me he’ll video call me and then texting to say he’s having an early night or that he’ll call me tomorrow but then I see him chatting away on SM Hmm. I messaged him jokingly last night along the lines of “I thought you were too tired to speak to me but I can see you online bickering with Owen Jones!” and he immediately called me up apologising and being very melodramatic.

I’m worried if I don’t break it off before the weekend I’ll either be really snappy with him on his birthday or I’ll dump him on his birthday which isn’t fair. But there’s no way I’ll be able to see him before then and ending a year long relationship over the phone when he’s told me he loves me seems a bit cowardly.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 22/09/2021 13:18

I'd do it now.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2021 13:18

I would end it now over the phone. Definitely.

Albgo · 22/09/2021 13:23

Years ago a partner waited until just after our anniversary to break up with me. He was a lying cheat, but it made me feel like even more of a fool that I'd celebrated (what I had thought was) a special occasion with him when he'd already decided to leave.
You're not doing him a kindness by faking it for his birthday. And also, why put yourself through that? It will be exhausting for you to be acting for that long.
Pull the plaster off and do it now.

Shoxfordian · 22/09/2021 13:24

Do it now, you’ll feel much better

DrSbaitso · 22/09/2021 13:30

Yeah, do it now. He might enjoy the weekend but the memory will become nasty when he realises what was going on.

chipsandgin · 22/09/2021 13:35

Definitely now! Also see if you can cancel/change the hotel ASAP. You’ll get a lovely relaxing weekend to yourself, maybe spend the money you’ve saved on something nice for yourself & the time having a browse at what else is out there (plenty of men who are great at sex & a fair few who are also lovely, kind, interesting, interested in you, funny…& not self-centred numptys with baggage..!).

Your soon to be ex will be fine & total bonus you won’t have to see him again or be friends if he isn’t a grown up about the split.

The alternative of spending time, money & energy with a man who irritates you & you are going to break up with imminently sounds horrendous!

todaysdilemma · 22/09/2021 13:35

Honestly, I would leave it till after his birthday, since he's said he's really looking forward to it. And while he may be gutted after, at least he'll have the memory of one decent birthday. Unless he's a genuinely terrible man, or you don't think you can stomach being with him at all - it could be one last kindness.

Incidentally, I had an ex who did this to me - gave me a fab birthday and then ended things. And weirdly, what I remember most now is what a lovely birthday it was, and I appreciated the effort he made - it sort of showed that he'd cared enough to ensure I enjoyed my birthday. And it must have been hard for him to bite his tongue knowing it was done. So I actually left the relationship thinking he was a decent sort.

I think you'll feel better knowing you showed him one last consideration, and can then bow out knowing he's had this one nice thing at the end of it.

PearlD · 22/09/2021 13:42

I'd do it asap, he's a big boy and you don't owe him. He will get over it. Take yourself or a mate away that weekend and have the time for yourself :)

ChargingBuck · 22/09/2021 17:36

Honestly, I would leave it till after his birthday, since he's said he's really looking forward to it.

I despair.
I know the sentiment was inspired by the PP's own experience & how she remembers her final 'event weekend' with her own ex but for goodness sake ...

OP didn't post asking how she should best pander to the feelings of a man whose self-centredness is increasingly off-putting to her. She's wondering if she can stomach the weekend, & would she be mean to cancel it by pulling the relationship plug now.

The last thing she needs is randoms telling her to put her STBeX's feelings above her own. Especially a STBeX who still has, or pretends to have, "issues" with his ex-wife.

Original poster
ILoveCheapCrisps · 22/09/2021 17:55

Thanks for the advice. I’m going to speak to him later and end it. I’ve already booked and paid for the hotel, it’s non-refundable unfortunately but I’ll tell him he can stay there if he wants. I don’t know if that makes it worse though? Fuck it, not my problem. It’s there if he wants to use it.

OP posts:
seensome · 22/09/2021 17:57

Good choice I'd end it now before you are introduced to his friends, he will still have a nice birthday with his friends so don't feel bad.

RandomMess · 22/09/2021 18:28

Take a friend with you for a girly night instead?

opinionminion · 22/09/2021 18:40

Go to the hotel yourself and take friend/relative Thanks

notlongtillxmas · 22/09/2021 18:53

DONT DO THAT

Sorry for shouting lol
You should go to the hotel , have a girlie night with Prosecco chocolate and face masks

I would also end it now , if you went with him he'd expect sex and you've now got the ick

Original poster
ILoveCheapCrisps · 22/09/2021 19:09

I don’t really fancy going to the hotel tbh. I don’t have anyone to go with and I’d feel a bit of a tit on my own.

OP posts:
notlongtillxmas · 22/09/2021 19:15

Oh no , could you change the date ? Gift it to someone ? Cancel ? Refund ?

ravenmum · 22/09/2021 19:35

If I was him, it wouldn't make me feel better about being dumped if I was given a pity present and then had to go and sit in the hotel I was expecting to have fun in, either alone or with my mum, mate etc. I think I'd find the offer a bit hurtful. Agree that giving it to someone else might be better.

ChargingBuck · 22/09/2021 19:48

hey, do whatever feels easiest to you about the hotel OP.

But never "feel a tit" about staying in hotels, going on holiday, seeing a film or eating out on your own. A man wouldn't worry about it - because men tend to feel comfortable in their right to participate in public spaces.
Take that right for yourself!
I love going to films, or eating out alone. Love doing stuff with pals too ... but it's quite a special feeling, treating oneself, & giving no fucks about having the freedom to do so :)

Sakurami · 22/09/2021 21:20

He sounds like a dick OP. Well done for realising it.

todaysdilemma · 24/09/2021 14:36

@ChargingBuck

Honestly, I would leave it till after his birthday, since he's said he's really looking forward to it.

I despair.
I know the sentiment was inspired by the PP's own experience & how she remembers her final 'event weekend' with her own ex but for goodness sake ...

OP didn't post asking how she should best pander to the feelings of a man whose self-centredness is increasingly off-putting to her. She's wondering if she can stomach the weekend, & would she be mean to cancel it by pulling the relationship plug now.

The last thing she needs is randoms telling her to put her STBeX's feelings above her own. Especially a STBeX who still has, or pretends to have, "issues" with his ex-wife.

Let's be clear. The OP spent a YEAR with this man. She spent multiple days a week with him. If he was so tedious, I have no idea why she stayed so long..

This man isn't right for her and that's why she's breaking up. However, he can't have been a complete turd if she managed to give him a year of her life, and so that does require respect and courtesy. So often on MN, women are expected to completely forget the men they're dating are human too. Just because he's not right, annoying or perfect, doesn't mean his feelings should be completely neglected. I'm sure the OP is not perfect and wouldn't like a man dumping her by text/call after a year because she was annoying.

This is why there are so many women on here who end up with terrible break ups, ghosting and the like - because men treat them as if expendable. If you wouldn't like it done to you, don't do it to someone else.

todaysdilemma · 24/09/2021 14:43

And OP started seeing him 18 months after a separation, without having done the work on her own self esteem. So I'm sure she's brought her own baggage from her recent marriage too. If she were a man debating this, we'd slate her for using someone as a rebound and then dumping them once they'd served their purpose. He isn't a complete villain here - and so talking about and treating him like one is not reasonable.

TheFoundations · 24/09/2021 16:18

Spending days with a man who isn’t interested in what I say or do isn’t helping this

Whenever you realise that something is ruining your self esteem, stop partaking immediately. Anyone who loves you will support you. Anyone who doesn't support you can bugger off.

Original poster
ILoveCheapCrisps · 24/09/2021 16:54

He’s not a bad person at all, he’s just not for me. We had a lovely time together and he really helped me get over Dh. I just woke up to the fact that he was pretty self obsessed and once I’d seen it I couldn’t unsee it iyswim.

Anyway we split up on Wednesday. He seemed ok about it and he can stay in the hotel if he wants to, he knows the booking details

OP posts:
middlingmess · 25/09/2021 15:36

That's good op sounds like it was the right time to break up for both of you.
It's hard to come back from losing interest in someone

QueenBee52 · 25/09/2021 15:42

Yip now ☺️