Did you seek counselling when you realised your marriage was over?

[FilltheWaterPot]

I've known for years, ever since DC was born, that my marriage isn't working and, going forward, is not likely to improve. I feel I have tried everything including relationship counselling, but the thing I've tried most is just stuffing my feelings down.

I just feel that I can't do that any more. DC is now 8 and, from some of his comments, it's obvious he realises that (Not so)DH and I aren't close. I need to work out how to go forward.

Despite many fears (some justified and maybe others not), maybe the time is right to see a solicitor. But I do feel I need to let a lot of those stuffed down feelings out. Would it be better just to do that with a counsellor first, or might the process of finding out from a solicitor exactly where I stand in terms of 'rights', finance, etc, help to sort that out?

Comments from anyone who has been through the process would be welcome.

I left my ex Husband about five years ago and definitely hear you. I found the act of seeing the solicitor was really helpful and would be the first practical step in setting the wheels in motion. I'd also keep this quiet, you're your own best friend for a while until the dust has settled. You'll then be able to work out what you're entitled to and see a way forward on the back of that knowledge, rather than wondering and fearing.
Simultaneously, it wouldn't be a bad idea to engage with a counsellor to see weekly while you go through the process for emotional support and a reality check. I really wish you all the best, it might get rocky for a while, but five years down the line I'm happier than I have ever been and am able to give my son a great example of what a hard working happy mum looks like, running a peaceful home, rather than the sh!t show that he was witnessing before.

Thanks @PearlD. I appreciate your sharing.

I just contacted a solicitor & been quoted £100 plus VAT for an initial consultation. I wonder what I am likely to get in the way of advice for that? Another solicitor who drafted my (very simple) Will charged £300 a couple of years ago. I live in the South East, & would have expected to have paid more for a separation/divorce consultation.

I think I paid £50 for an intial half hour consultation, which went over the bare basics of the situation and what I might be able to expect regarding the marital assets and childcare arrangements. Its obviously an ongoing process and the further into it you go the more questions crop up and the more advice you'll need. Be prepared for it to run into several £1000s unless you're going to handle it yourselves, which I know can be done if you've got a fairly straightforward case and you're in the right mind frame, for a few hundred.

If you can access and afford counselling I would recommend it as a way to Marshall your emotional resources, but not at the expense of getting as much legal support as you need

Thank you. That's helpful to know.

For me it was really helpful in unpicking feelings and also delving a little in to why I had accepted some really unacceptable behaviour. At the time it felt helpful but (much) later on I realised it was even more helpful than I'd realised. To this day (many years later) I still sometimes think back to some of those sessions and what I learned about myself.

Get as much information together before you go, so that you make good use of the time you pay for.
There’s things you can do now, without anyone knowing, to prepare.

I wanted us to go to counselling, he refused. I went to individual counselling, and had an affair. When that all came out, he wanted to try counselling, but I left anyway. I should have left the moment he said he wasn't willing to make it work.