Getting divorced

[Slothkin]

So I’m getting divorced - this is a pretty big surprise to me but unfortunately looking like my husband has been making plans for a year or so. I have a good solicitor, ducks in a row as it were but just wondering what people who have gone through this found helpful? No children thank god.

I think everyone's experience is different depending on circumstances, but from my own reasonably amicable situation:

Good legal advice - explain as clearly as you can, and don't be afraid to challenge or ask questions. Be very clear on costs.

Just because they tell you you can get X/Y/Z doesn't mean you have to spend time and money pursuing it. Be realistic about your expectations. I.e. there is no point trying to 'take the house' if you'll never get a mortgage to support it.

Don'y make rash decisions, and if something upsets or angers you, cool off before making any decisions.

You don't have to agree to anything, and your husband will need a reason to divorce you, which is your right to contest.

Don't leave the house. Once you're out it will be VERY hard to get back in.

Don't get too bogged down in details - once all this is over you won't care who got the sofa.

Document any agreements in writing between the two of you. If necessary get a consent order; this made my life A LOT simpler later down the line.

Remember on the bad days that this will get better, just keep on keeping on. Get some decent real life support, ideally somebody who can help you be objective like a trusted colleague rather than your best mate who will be understandably biased towards you.

Good luck x

I wish I had opened up more to people I knew about what I was going through. Bottling up my feelings about it ending made it harder to move on. Good luck OP 💐

When me and DH got divorced, it was a to our friends, but we decided we had drifted apart, had different interests, all very amicable, would stay best of friends, very fair settlement, oh let's not bother with solicitors.

And then I found out that he was shagging my ex best friend.

So, be practical with finances and try to finely balance the dance between needing to get on with your life while also ensuring that you get what's fair. As you don't have children then it will be a clean break.

Maybe I also didn't take enough time to grieve the loss of the marriage and regret not going to counselling even though I was, 'coping,' at the time.

Fortunately I already have a long-term therapist so I have somewhere safe to vent! And two proposals from cab drivers so at least I have options 😂

@JengaCupboard yes, I think my husband unfortunately has an unreasonable idea of what he’s entitled to - I’d be happy to shake hands and we each walk away with our own assets.

I think it's worth bearing in mind that the legal advice above applies to English law. If you are in Scotland, where I am, there are no grounds and everything is split 50/50. Leaving the house makes no difference here at all.
Sadly, the old Mumsnet advice that men only leave for other women, seems to be true, in my experience. Hopefully you are the exception but prepare yourself just in case.
I hope you are okay, OP, and aren't coping well with the shock.

*are coping well

Thank you @HumousWhereTheHeartIs - I’m in England and have a good solicitor. Perfectly happy to agree a reasonable settlement and let him go off with whoever is waiting in the wings!

It’s a huge shock and very painful but it’s actually more painful to have found out he’s been digging around about my assets behind my back; calling my parents to find out if I had any assets when I was in a care home

I'm sorry you got blind sided. A great start is having a good solicitor. Even so be VERY CLEAR WHAT YOU WANT. If you're able to, better to try to agree with your ex about what you'd like to do re division of assets and finances and confirm in writing with your solicitor to share with his solicitor. Costs escalate a lot if solicitors have to talk to each other all the time. Decide if there's room for negotiation but stick to your guns if you are confident you are being fair and reasonable. Be kind to yourself and remember you are responsible for making sure you protect yourself financially and legally now and in future (consent order).

@Slothkin, how long are you married? You mentioned care home, do you have additional medical needs.

It's also my experience that men rarely leave unless they have someone lined up. OW was well hidden in my situation but it explained so much about his actions during the divorce.

Don't agree to anything without consulting your solicitor first
Just because he says he wants something a certain way, doesn't mean he'll get it (and vice versa)
If he sends you a shitty email, letter or text wait a day before responding
He's no longer your friend
Talk to people, lean on them for help if you need to