Should I leave?

[gindrinker17]

I really need some advice.

I have been with my husband 6 years, married 3 years.
We have a lot of issues in our relationship, we have no kids and I feel like he still thinks he is a young lad with no responsibility which we fight about ALOT but the main issue is we have zero sex life since just before we married to due a medical issue. I have tried and been rejected so many times that the sexual desire for him has now gone and I am looking at other men in a sexual way. I was honest and told him this, I haven't acted on it though. I do still care for him so couldn't hurt him like that but i felt he needed to know how serious it was now.

I have been very clear with him for a long time that I am not going to live like this and I feel he has called my bluff for too long as he says he will change but nothing ever did. At least not for longer than a few weeks.

Fast forward to last week, I was honest and told him this wasn't working and we should separate. At that time he agreed as all the fighting doesn't make him happy either. He is now saying he is 50/50, that he has given himself a shake and knows he needs to do more and be an equal partner. He has made huge effort since then in every way except the intimacy. He hasn't touched me or even tried to kiss me. He said that me telling him I look at other men in a way a married woman shouldn't makes him feel he cant.

I am so torn now. He has made a effort so should I give him another chance?

Will it go back to normal again in a few weeks?

Is it too little too late, coupled with still no effort to make me feel wanted?

Any wise words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated

Do you want to end it ? If so it doesn’t matter that he is 50/50 because that’s not how it works. If you want to end then it is over. His opinion on the matter is irrelevant.

Stop wasting your life. Or accept this is what it is.

Stick to your plan. I would leave.

I no would leave, you want a husband not a friend. You’ve given him enough chances to change and you deserve to be happy.

Past behaviour is often an indicator of future behaviour. He will in all likelihood revert to type in a few weeks and it sounds like he is merely making a token effort to keep you sweet or quiet.

What would staying be like for you?. My guess is more of the same from him.

Sorry but I would still leave. Your feelings meant so little to him that he was never prepared to change. And he has literally told you that the only reason he is changing now is because he doesn't want some other guy to have you. That's not love, it's possession.

Why is it worth trying anyway? I'd rather be single than be with the wrong guy. Which he clearly is.

He is probably using your honesty about looking at other men as an excuse not to be intimate. Whatever his issues/problems are, he can now try to improve in other areas but can blame you for the lack of intimacy. He will revert to previous behaviour in other areas too.

Sadly, I think your relationship is done. Good Lick going forward. 💐

Hi everyone,
thank you for your wise words of wisdom.

So husband has moved out last Friday and I am half heartedly starting the process of buying him out the mortgage (which he is being difficult about but that is a different story). I say half hearted because I honestly wanted him to fight for me and I mean really fight but he didn't. Given that I was honest about what the lack of intimacy was doing, I honestly thought he would at least try to kiss me in a way on a husband should but no. Nothing!

We spoke about it and he said I need to do more, like when I used to dress up for him in sexy lingerie etc. I told him if he had made the effort I would have matched him but after years of sexual rejection my confidence cant take the hit of dressing up and him saying no, but I don't think he gets. I get that it takes two and I have a part to play in our issues but why cant he see that the sex issue can only be fixed by him. I wont put myself through that rejection anymore.

He cuddled into me in bed the night before he left, he was very emotional, told me he loved me and always would. That there was his opportunity to take control and make me feel wanted and desired by him but he didn't.

I can now feel myself swaying because I do still love him and the reality of leaving him and being single is becoming very real but I really dont think anything will change.

I am not really sure if I have a question here or if I am just looking to get it out there and get peoples opinions

We spoke about it and he said I need to do more

You need to do more to fix his problem? That's big of him. He's not willing to lift a, errr, finger to fix the intimacy issue now, and he's unlikely to change. Don't waste any more of your life on this dead end.

Find someone who desires you.

So it’s your fault for not dressing up for him. Yes, of course it is 🙄
Go find a man that wants to shag you senseless and don’t look back.

We spoke about it and he said I need to do more, like when I used to dress up for him in sexy lingerie etc.

I really hope you haven't fallen for this bullshit. What utter bollocks. This marriage is doomed, run for your life.

I can only agree with the others above!!! Even in the last moments he is STILL SAYING IT'S YOUR FAULT/YOUR PROBLEM. Yes you still love him, you're not heartless but it DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE WITH HIM.
Please don't be half hearted anymore. Once you have completed the necessaries, he will be out of your life and there will be space for someone to love and appreciate you for you. He is just blocking the way for you to find any kind of respect and happiness. When you're ready you will see this. Keep going. One foot in front of the other. Best of luck.

Why does he want to try and carry on? Doesn't sound like there's anything worth saving tbh. People don't (or very rarely) change. Things might improve for a bit, but will gradually slip back to how they are now. And certainly don't even consider having a child with him in the hope it makes him grow up and take responsibility.

Please don't hesitate - continue with your plan. He's had years to try to fix the problem and only makes a real effort when you've said 'enough - we need to separate'. Which shows you he will revert to not making any efforts as soon as you're back in your box.

And even if he could keep up the 'making an effort' (by the way, if someone has to make an effort to be nice to their OK they shouldn't be with that person) - do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who doesn't desire you?

His excuses are just excuses. He spends years rejecting you and now says that's because you don't dress up for him! Seriously?? If that was such a big deal why didn't he mention it before? It's just excuses and you deserve better.

Sounds as though you have a lovely friendship. Nothing will take that away from you both. You can treasure the memories, but move on with your life.

What was the medical issue which meant the sex stopped before the marriage?

the sexual desire for him has now gone and I am looking at other men in a sexual way
The marriage is over and you were right to leave. There's no coming back from this.

I went through this in my mid to late 30s...and it is definitely too little, too late.

Same scenario, a medical issue (easily resolved, but he wouldn't), poor sex life...we were even sleeping in separate beds before we got married! Like you I warned him that I would go elsewhere if he didn't get it sorted, but unlike you I did actually go ahead with it...even then I ended up being the one who ended the marriage once and for all.

@fumfspos is right. For me at least, once that desire is gone, it's gone for good.