Dh just not getting it. total lack of affection and rubbish sex

[Amdramfan]

Hi all,

Been around ages but name changed for obvious reasons.

As title says really.

When DH and I first met sex was never mind blowing but it was not awful either. Probably just below average. Dh has always suffered PE. I married him because I thought it was no big deal and he's is an amazing man in every other way. I'd had amazing sexual partners previously but most of them were not nice people out of the bedroom. Looking back i was stupid to settle with this but I do love DH and I thought we could grow together in this department.

Affection out of the bedroom is as above. Pretty non existent. It wasn't always like this but has gradually gotten less and less over the years.

A while back I realized that DH had not initiated sex for almost 4 years since the birth of our youngest. I spoke to him about this and at the time he said it was because he wasn't sure I wanted it and would think its best to leave it to me. I told him this was not the case and I waited and waited but nothing changed. I stopped initiating as much. We have had sex twice since then. There is no passion no kissing and very little foreplay. It feels like a race to the finish and I'm never ready if you know what I'm trying to say.

A couple of weeks ago I laid my cards on the table and told DH how I feel and what I need. I even spoke about respecting that he may just not be as sexual as me and opening up the relationship. I told him I feel ugly and like he does not fancy me. As awful as this may sound DH has put on a lot of weight but is in denial about this and I have slimmed right down again after babies I also still make a big effort with my appearance and I have had men and women comment and ask me out. Dh has let himself go. I do still fancy him though. It feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth that I make all this effort yet I'm the one feeling like an ogre. DH says he still fancies me and also says he is not depressed.

I made the issue seem like a 'we' problem and that we need to make more effort and try new things.

I need more touch out of the bedroom to turn up the suspense and heat. I need him to want to explore my body and kisses etc not just 2 minutes of jackhammer PIV sex. I shared my fantasies with him. He seemed pleased and keen......yet nothing has changed. He literally kissed me once on the lips when he got home. Nothing since. He's very ridged and stand offish when I try cuddle him on the sofa. When I send suggestive messages through the day he responds with emojis.

I don't think he is selfish as such, I think it may be lack of experience or just not really understanding sex.

He had a very long term relationship before me and she cheated on him. He told me she became more distant with affection and sat in different rooms before the cheating and that was when the relationship was truly over, obviously I can't know for sure but he didn't speak of the effort he made and or say he tired to ho into the room she was in etc it sort of makes sense and I would love the chance yo hear her perspective as its sounds like history repeating itself here l. I won't cheat mind you.

I can't leave. Mainly because of disabled children and finances. I do love him and cheating is against everything I have ever believed but I have fantasized about it. I want that rush.

Help a woman out wise mumsnetters.

This sounds really difficult OP. You've been very open and honest with him and yet nothing has changed.

Either he doesn't fancy you or he's just not capable of giving you what you want? If it's the latter could you explore sex therapy together?

If literally all other avenues have been explored and neither of you want to split then maybe you could see someone else? What did he say about that?

He ignored the comment about opening up the relationship. He said he does fancy me. He could be lying obviously.
I feel if things carry on this way it will be an ultimatum of open marriage or divorce. It doubts selfish and I wish I could just accept this as unimportant but its soul destroying to feel undesirable.

Sounds selfish

This sounds very difficult and I don't think you're being selfish at all.
If you've talked to him and nothing has changed then I'd approach the idea of therapy/counselling. Would he be open to this?
I

Oh poor you. He's not really giving you a choice though if he won't acknowledge that you are so unhappy. He's probably embarassed and ashamed about the PE which is a vicious circle as anxiety makes it worse. Probably the frequency is also exacerbating things.
I'd suggest maybe a counsellor to help you navigate the conversation. I think you need to be blunter about the PE and the impact it has on both of you. Maybe talk about what you could do about it. E.g. try again the next day when he might last longer? Get him to do more non penetrative sex so you cum first?

Oh BTW I bet he does fancy you but is just unable to have the conversation about his performance.

Dh solved the problem of not pestering me for sex by not initiating for ten years. I found that quite difficult, though I guess better than the alternative.

I do wonder why one option is not for you to initiate more? Could you tie your husband up and then masturbate while he watches, use his hand the way you like it on you, present yourself to his mouth, use a dildo or a vibrator? Basically leave his genitals out of it so that the PE is an exciting last firework rather than the main event?

It's a bit deceptive to marry someone without admitting you have little interest in sex. Using his last relationship as an excuse is just that, an excuse, you are surely years past that relationship.

Counselling probably is the best thing for him really,. Or an admission that he doesn't think he will ever be keen so an open relationship.

@PermanentTemporary it is an option but I have done the initiating for 4 years now. I feel undesirable when its always me making the moves.

I have never approached him re the counseling. I'm not sure how he would take it but its a good suggestion. I will talk to him about it I think.
If the PE is the issue I wish he would just tell me. He always seems to be overly interested in the end goal as if anything before or after is not important.

I feel for you as you seem to be in a corner here.Some people are more sexual than others and he sounds like hes a little repressed .I think counselling may help you ,but whether he will agree or not is another thing .You have a disabled child together ,which is stressful in itself .You say he is an amazing man in other ways ,I think its almost because he is so caring and amazing in other ways, that he is less sexual than many men with a big old libido who seem to want a lot more sex than their wife! Only yesterday a lady was saying how she was expected to have sex every night or DH would sulk FFS! I think to ease off the sexy Emails as this is making him feel pressured .Maybe a WE away (No black suspenders though as a little full on for him)! and try and get close , meal out,or walk together . This may help him see you as partners rather than carers/parents which is often dampening for sexual desires .

I think its good that you've had a conversation with him and it sounds like he listened BUT one conversation cannot make dramatic changes that you want to see.

For me and my ex, we didn't talk about sex all that much, it was the same every time and I felt like you do. I ended up having an affair (there were many reasons for this) - someone else saw me as a desirable and sexy AF woman and I responded. Its like a light bulb went off for my sex drive. I DO NOT RECOMMEND DOING THIS. It was awful when it all came out and hurt my ex badly.

Anyway, now I am with a different partner and since our 2nd date I was very clear that sex was important to me. We talk about sex regularly - what we want to try, what turns us on, reminiscing about our sexy times together. Sex has become part of our relationship in a really important way - it brings us closer - not just doing it, but talking about it. It becomes easier and easier to share and explore together. And we have more of it because talking about it is like a type of foreplay.

Could you continue to both have these conversations? It'll build slowly over time. I know its frustrating to always initiate but having a safe space together creates more encouragement for him to be confident that you want him as much as he wants you.

The lack of interest strikes a slight chord here. I guess my partner has a bit of PE and I do notice a similar strand, not that he's uninterested in anything else in his case at least in theory, but the drive to PIV is incredibly strong once he's aroused and I'm there. I've done some things with him he's claimed never to have done before and I can see why - the tunnel vision is new to me.

I get totally re the wanting to be desired. My dh not initiating for 10 years was really really difficult. My sex drive was a different animal then but the whole thing definitely felt like a trudge.

I do think sex therapy would have potential for you both since you do still find him attractive - it does seem like there's potential for better sex in here somewhere.

He's just not a very sexual person.
It's impossible to get the kind of sex life you want from a person who isn't very sexual. I don't know why people marry people who don't have the same level of interest in sex and are then surprised when it becomes a problem - both ways round.
I'm sorry you're is this situation but he's not likely to change. Maybe you could be co parents who live together and date outside the marriage until the children are older?

@CloseYourEyesAndSee its not a suprise to me, however I did think we could grow together in this department and that has not happened despite my efforts.
Your final sentence is Ultimately what I want i I'm honest here, which is unfortunate really as he probably won't see eye to eye on that.

I agree with @CloseYourEyesAndSee. He’s just not very sexual and it has nothing to do with you.

I’m the same as him and you remind me of my ex. He would send sexual texts and I would reply back with emojis or lol. It’s very awkward because it did nothing for me and as a matter of fact it turned me off.

Your dh was like this before you married when sex is usually at the highest so it’s no surprise he’s like this now. It won’t get better.

Also maybe his weight is holding him back, maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable with his size. I’ve been there too and it made me even less interested in sex.

I think you are right when you say he lacks experience and doesn't understand sex. One of the first things men learn is that PE is much more likely if you do not DTD often enough, if I have not done it for a couple of days I will be fine but if it's a couple of weeks then it's much more difficult to go the distance. Your DH seems not to understand this. I guess he has never got much pleasure from sex, his PE probably makes him slightly afraid of trying and so he has never found a way out.

You do need to talk about it, a good sex life requires communication, though from what you say he may not be willing to engage with the issue.

As a former PE sufferer I am probably biased, but so much of this reminds me of my previous situation and I think the PE is what's primarily affecting him - he will be embarrassed to initiate, he will be unable to relax and get into his arousal, and he definitely won't be enjoying the sex either, especially given it is now loaded. Suggestive messages and fantasy sharing in this situation will probably make him go more into his shell. I would go down the therapy route (maybe sex therapy, maybe couple therapy if you feel the outside the bedroom issues are affecting you more) because it sounds like the problem is with his sexual confidence rather than his desire for you. Best of luck

And I wouldn't agree at all that 'he's just not a very sexual person', those comments are very wide of the mark IMO.vFor men, PE is one of the most embarrassing, emasculating things that can happen to you in a relationship, and it's very common for men to react to it by withdrawing from intimacy entirely to save their feelings, even though they very much want to have a fulfilling sex life.

I would look into therapy as a couple before jumping straight to suggesting an open relationship. If it's the PE that's putting him off that'll likely crush his confidence entirely.

I really really feel for you though! Have you tried initiating and then guiding him a bit (i.e. asking him to go down on you first, encouraging him etc)? Can also recommend She Comes First (the thinking man's guide to female pleasure), though he may not be ready for that yet. My husband read it and it has some great stuff in there.

I would tend to with @YRGAM the PE is pushing him into into his shell from which he doesn’t want to leave to save embarrassment and feelings of failure, at the moment he is probably thinking you are going to leave him (opening up the relationship, suggestive messages, weight gain etc he’s probably shitting himself )

maybe forget about intercourse for now and just go back to basics with the relationship, go out, date, try and connect again
try some endurance condoms if you want to have another go a PIV

Good Luck

Maybe your right and it is the PE but surly he would want to do other things and be affectionate outside the bedroom.

I don't send loads of suggestive messages or go ott with sex talk. I have sent a couple of messages before but stopped when he didn't seem interested. I'm not a sex pest or perv.

To be honest he should be worried because I am going to leave him over this eventually. If he was open and honest that's different but quite honestly I'm sick of lying next to someone who just turns their back on me night after night and pretends I don't exist practically. I'm 30 years old. He is only 40. I feel too young to live like this feeling invisible romantically.

There certainly sounds like a lot of avoidance going on on his part, which is understandably frustrating for you. Nobody but him can tell you the cause, and maybe he's not even aware.

My boyfriend would probably have described me in similar terms over the past couple of years. I had no sex drive, felt inadequate for that, and no idea why. Over time, traumatic memories surfaced and we have dealt with that. The difference is that I spoke to my partner about it and made sure we did other things that I hope meant he didn't feel rejected or ugly or like it was his fault. The way you mention him feeling rigid really rang a bell for me: there's obviously some fear here. And the rushing to the finish line, basically wanting it to be over with.

I'm not saying he's dealing with trauma, though who knows. Whether he now identifies as asexual, has lost his sex drive for whatever reason, feels ashamed of the PE or his weight gain.... There are so many potential causes here. Probably all of them have turned into a mush in his head that now sex is just a big fat no. But until he takes responsibility, there's nothing you can do.

I think at this point, you're well within your rights to say "There's clearly something going on that you're either not telling me, or you don't even understand yourself. Regardless of the reason, I'm not happy, I haven't been for years, and you're not engaging." And then do whatever it is you really want.

You don't need permission to leave, or to "stay" but as co-parents who are separated and live your own lives.

If he were trying, my stance would be very different. But he's not, and that's the bottom line.

But from everything you've written, as an outside, I think it's quite clear that this really doesn't have anything to do with you. Don't let him drag you down.

Brilliant post true

A while back I realized that DH had not initiated sex for almost 4 years

You noticed this after years? Why has it come to a head now specifically?

I would be a hypocrite to change my advice because the genders are switched but he doesn’t sound particularly interested in sex (if he were, could he really go four years without bringing it up?) and it’s unfair to pester him about it. I do think you may have some unspoken don’t ask don’t tell consent to seek sex outside of the relationship though given his lack of opinion on the open marriage idea.