splitting up

[Fair2both]

I am considering splitting up from my "d"p. We're not married and I'm trying to understand how the economics work- as well as children.
So background- we've been together around 17 years and have one child DD aged 10.
We got together relatively old- both had properties at the time. DP was just back from travelling and wasn't really working (living on rental income). We moved in together renting - i was working full time and DP was doing casual work- I rented out my property DP sold theirs and invested the money I think- so had combination of investment income/cash in hand. We paid jointly for stiff- but pro rata - ie I would pay 2/3 ( i think).
Roll forward to DD being born - DP still not working much- has retrained to fitness and sports industry but doesn't work full time. Initial plan was that DP would look after DD but ultimately DD goes to nursery 3 days a week- DP looks after DD 2 days (one of which I'm wfh )- DP is carrying on working a bit ( some evening work for which we have a babysitter. Around this time we buy a house- its all in my name - I pay the deposit /renovations etc mortgage is in my name- I seem to remember dp refusing to invest in the house- keeping their savings separate,
As life goes on DO still doesn't work much-even when DD is at school. DP argues that they would work but what about childcare- i always said we can sort out childcare when we know what we need. DP spends weekends doing sport for themselves (eg not working), At this point DP is paying nothing for living expenses- and I am covering everything as well as giving DP a regular monthly amount (on top of joint account)
During the next few years life happens-I lose a job and DP still doesn't work- I pay for DP to retrain but that career doesn't really go any where.
At times its helpful DP not working- i travel from work a bit (but not much) and work long hours and its not worth arguing about,

However now our relationship is on the rocks. I actually think DP would split up but is worried financially. I just don't know what a reasonable split would be-I feel I've been taken for a ride whilst we've been together in DP not working and having a nice life and I'm damned if I'm going to do this for the rest of our lives- i can't stop working so don't see why DP shouldn't work.

You're not valuing the huge value a stay at home parent contributes to the family. You're a team and what your DP contributes is just as valuable as what you do.

If you both work you would probably need breakfast club and after school care. Your kid having to go from pillar to post. And all the school holidays. What about dental and doctors appointments and sports and hobbies and playdates . And housework and shopping and cooking . And when they're sick.

I can take a guess why you're splitting up

You need a solicitor. You aren't married, so he has no claim on the house. You've already paid for him to retrain, but maybe he could claim to be primary carer, I don't know.

I’ve read your post a few times with the DP as both a Mum and as a Dad.

DP should not have given up their financial independence. You sound resentful.

Did DP carry your shared DC through pregnancy?

It’s sometimes helpful that DP does not work as you work away a bit and work long hours - so is DP the main carer for your DC/the main parent responsible for childcare?

Where’s the money from the property that DP sold?

Your post reads as though you’ve possibly encouraged this situation by not having ongoing discussions with DP about them not working and financially contributing to the household.

Does DP manage the home, housework, laundry, shopping, prepare most meals, school runs, school related stuff, etc?

I assume you’re not married?

we're not married.
I do most life admin stuff (eg school applications etc, buy all Xmas presents etc) - DP does the maintenance stuff- DP did most school runs ( 5 minute walk from the school) and made dinners - I did batch cooking etc /breakfast for DC etc. DP's idea of cooking is to defrost something/meat and two veg- we did do meal boxes for years and a lot of takeaways/ready meals.
We always had a cleaner- when we haven't DP has done no cleaning (major bone of contention)- DP's role in laundry is just to put it in and take it out- eg no sorting/checking its clean/putting away etc. Holidays combination of clubs /camps/shared holiday and DP - we always did quite a lot of clubs and things as it was good for DC (and DP would sulk massively if left with no spare time. i organised all clubs etc.
I agree that if DP had worked we would have needed some wrap around care- but 1) we did have some anyway when Dp was working evenings and 2) I could have had flexibility in my work-DP would take child to clubs and things during the week - I did the weekend ones (DP needed weekend off apparently)
I do get that it made my life a bit easier but TBH it wasn't what I wanted- id have liked the option of working shorter hours for a start- and if DP had been working I think we may have been more fair in how we shared weekends etc- I'm not saying that i didn't want to spend weekends with my child but I had zero em time for many years
DP kept own money from property he sold.
I did have ongoing discussions with DP- or tried to ever since DC was born. How do you force someone to work when they don't want to? My main issue has been DP being lazy/selfish rather than the financial side

And I am resentful! I've been resentful for years and it festers

Sounds like my marriage. XH was a SAHD because he didn’t work but not because we needed a SAHD. He wasn’t working before I got pregnant. He didn’t cook, clean, launder etc.. he did school runs. I was wfh so we shared childcare once DD was home from school. I got her up and ready for school everyday. When we split I sorted childcare immediately and life trundled on without him.

As we were married I gave him half.

In your case it sounds like your partner has been taking advantage of being a SAHP to not work. Assuming you’ve tried to shove them back into work but they’ve resisted then I don’t think you owe them half. However as an unmarried couple you don’t have to give them anything I don’t think. It seems bad to leave your child’s other parent destitute do not sure I could do that.

You aren’t married. There is no split unless something is jointly owned.

If you own the house, then it’s yours. The other person may try to make a claim if they contributed or you led them to believe it was a joint purchase. You are vague on their involvement in the purchase. If it was ambiguous then you will have a problem. No matter how you try to spin it.

The only remaining connection is child support.

But you know you need to split up so start with that conversation now. Not being married means everything else is straightforward. You should even need legal advice unless the other person makes a claim

First step, he has some cash somewhere, he can sort out somewhere else to live for him and DC.

You can work this out, financially you will be ok. You just need to make a plan for routine access for you both that is fair with DC.

So just take the first step and tell him you need to live separately. And take it from there.

You are in a strong financial position, and not married.