I'm am untrusting mess

[everythingfresh]

Forgive me... I've nc and I'm too embarrassed to discuss this irl.
I am in a relationship of over a year. We adore each other , no game
Playing, equally invested, see a future etc.
Now, the back story
Is my husband of fifteen years ran off with a colleague leaving a shit storm in his wake.
My children are a mess. I'm
Glad to be rid of him and as karma would suggest, his life has not turned out as he had expected .this was two years ago .

Here's my issue... I have absolutely no reason not To trust current partner but I cannot help but notice ( stalk) his social media to ' make sure' he is not cheating . He has loads of female friends through his sisters , friends wives , childhood friends , colleagues etc and' likes' every post that is put up on his friends list. He does the same for male friends.
I cannot deal with Myself. I feel ridiculous. There is NO reason to feel I'm being
Cheated upon. Yet I hate that he likes all of these posts . Please advise me. There are no exes on social media. Posts aren't sexual in any way and he never comments.
What the hell is wrong with me ?

Anyone ? Please help me
Make sense of this and help me unpick.

Take yourself OFF social media.. you don't need it 🌸

I can see and understand your point of view having been in a similar situation, it is all consuming. It’s mental torture.

I’d suggest counselling and practicing self control eg next time you want to check his social media stop yourself. Small steps. Before you know it you’ll have gone days without checking! Build from there!

I agree with PP. Remove yourself from social media. Or if you have strong willpower, draw a line in the sand and don't stalk again. You could kill your relationship

Have you considered counselling? I think you might find it helpful to work through your trauma (for lack of a less melodramatic word!) in this area.

Otherwise I think you should be honest with your partner and make sure he knows your trust issues aren’t about him per se. And delete social media!

But it is ok for him to have female friends and like their posts isn't it

I've had counselling

@everythingfresh

But it is ok for him to have female friends and like their posts isn't it

Of course it is! But we doubt this when we are messed about.

Seems to me this is a defence mechanism to try and prevent yourself getting hurt again. It is nothing to do with your new partner personally. Even if he had NO female friends you would find something to question and worry about. This is entirely about you. You were hurt and humiliated, it felt horrible and it damaged your kids, you naturally want to avoid that happening again. So you are hyper-aware to the point of being irrational and compulsive in your behaviour regarding your new partner's activities.

Try reading about anxiety. I read a great book aimed at teenagers in my local library. One approach is to notice what you are feeling, identify why the feeling has arisen and consciously send the feeling packing before you are tempted to act on it.

Turn it around. I presume you trust yourself when it comes to knowing that you're not going to cheat, or to hurt him or to do anything to hurt you, so why don't you trust him in the same way you trust yourself.

If you can't do that then you need to do some work on yourself before you are ready to be in a relationship.

Thanks for all the replies. You are right. I am waiting to be cheating on again and almost looking for constant signs that he will cheat. He knows and is patient but I have seriously overreacted on some occasions and he was forgiving and understanding.
Only so much a person can take though.
I feel like a lunatic... wondering why a female friend features on his ' six featured' friends on Facebook for example. I'm sure that he would run for the hills if he knew how paranoid I am.

I echo the suggestion to come away from social media. You get a load of time freed up, and stop thinking about what other people are doing so much!

Get off social media. It is ruining your relationship and you're allowing it. Your paranoia and jealousy are completely unfounded with this man, so it is your responsibility to manage your behaviour. The social media is pointless and needs to go.

I recently ruined a beautifully budding relationship by overreacting and being like this. Don't do it. You need strong willpower and just keep telling yourself, this is social media, it's all public, hes not hiding this from you. Try and relax. Xxx

So, if I've got the timeline right, you got with current partner a year after a 15 year relationship that ended in a horrible way. Probably not long enough to recover, or learn about yourself as an independent person and start feeling good about yourself. However, if this current man is great ( and it looks like he's doing nothing wrong here) you don't want to blow it, so if you can, get some counselling. It's good that you recognise this is your issue, not your BF's, and you know where you are going wrong. So, yes, off SM, take it slow with your BF - no moving in with each other for a good while so you've got time to develop yourself.