Ok, I don’t really know where to start. My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship, and because of corona we haven’t seen each other in over 1 year. We’ve had lots of issues along the way, especially since I’m an over-thinker, and being far away from each other for this long obviously didn’t make it any easier. But he has been great, always trying to reassure me and whenever I brought up something bothering me, he would hear me out and try his best to understand. Instead of it being my problem, it was ours, and we solved them together.
He started a new job 6 months ago, and I’ve seen such a big change in him. Whenever I bring up an issue, he just brush me off. Once he even said “zip it or break up with me”, putting me in a horrible spot, with no “good” options. He also keep saying “stop acting like my mom” when I tell him something he did or said upset me, and then go on saying “I can do what I want”. Which is true, but it also makes me a bit sad. In my mind, when in a relationship you do what you want, but if it affects your partner in a negative way, you try and find solutions that works for both.
We had this big discussion recently, where he left his phone to go drink with some friends, and I asked him nicely if he could try and be better at letting me know in advance so I wouldn’t worry when not getting replies all night. He got so mad at me, told me I’m not his mom and plain out refused to even try, and told me to either accept that or leave. I tried and tell him how it affected me and why it was important to me and he just said I was trying to manipulate him into feeling bad, and told me to stop talking. He just keep turning the spotlight on me whenever I bring something up. Either I’m acting like his mom or I’m being manipulative, and then the discussions go on for so long because we can never get to the core of the problem, and then he use against me that “I go out with my friends, and then you fight with me about it for 2 hours”, “you’re so controlling”. When the issue never was him drinking with his friends.
I’d also like to add that when we don’t have any problems, he’s acting the same. Being nice to me, calling and messaging whenever he has time. But the second it’s some tension or I have an issue, he just turns into someone I don’t recognize. Very cold and harsh.
And now I just question everything. Don’t know if I’m the problem or if he’s the problem. Maybe I’ve been overthinking everything and maybe I’m also expecting to much of him. Im also autistic, which makes me question myself even more when it comes to situations like this. So I would really appreciate any advice or opinions about this. Am I asking to much of him? And if I am, what do I do? Cause when I bring the issue up, it’s something really bothering me and making me feel bad, how do I stop feeling like that when I can’t even talk about it with him?