How do you choose to treat your friends?

[Neveratruerfriend]

Not the greatest title for a thread, I know.

But if you have friends, how do you decide which ones -
you'll proactively seek out for company, eg on a 1-1 basis, for a heart-to-heart;

and the ones who you like but are not bothered about spending time with them, eg you're happy to invite them to events eg a birthday party or to see them couple-to-couple?

I don’t make decisions like that. Some people I just click with more. It also helps if our schedules and lifestyles are aligned and even more of our kids and husbands get along. But this all unfolds over time, I don’t seek out someone for a specific type of friendship.

I don’t consciously make decisions like that. Some people I just click with more and find easier to talk to, others our children get on so we spend more time together as an aside to that, some I have more contact with eg children in same classes, children sharing hobbies, us going to the same exercise class…
I suppose (as someone who is quite shy and socially anxious but who likes people and talking to people) that the more time I spend with someone the more comfortable I tend to feel with them. Also thinking about for example in the school playground I’m more likely to talk to people who seem approachable- the people who smile and say good morning, the people who make eye contact rather than looking at the ground as I walk past…

Massive mixture of factors and rarely a conscious decision:

• Lifestyle factors/ ease - days out are easier and more fun if our children are the same age and like each other than trying to blend toddlers and teens or kids that barely tolerate each other. For multi-family holidays, similar parenting styles also a factor. Like if there's one family with a strict routine/ boundaries and one that is very laissez faire, however much you get on individually, the holiday wont be fun. I also avoid holidaying with families where the husband does sweet FA with the kids or housework/cooking, even if I like him on an individual basis.

• Overall group dynamics - not all my friends are keen on one another, and if I had dinner for 8 I wouldn't invite 3 couples who know one another through (say) children's school or work, and then another couple who we know through something else, even if I really liked the other couple, because the conversation may bore them if it turns to the mutual ground of the other three couples. I'd invite Couple 4 another time. Who we invite might also depend on reciprocating, so if I owed couple 4, then I might centre it around them and invite people I think they'd gel with or know.

• Couple to couple: most obvious factor is does DH like them too. He's pretty easy going but there are some people he finds hard work and I'd then probably just catch up with my friend (usually the woman) separately.

• Big parties- I might not invite someone who knew literally no-one else unless they're very socially confident as I wouldn't have time to look after them if I'm hosting a big party.

• The "click" factor. There are people I like and chat to/socialise with and we have a nice time but there's no "click". If they suggest meeting up I'm happy to, but it wouldn't necessarily occur to me to suggest something, although obviously if they invited me to their home, I'd reciprocate.

• Activity based friends: Some friends never move beyond the context of your meeting, often because you have literally nothing else in common. I go to Crossfit and have a couple of people who I'd say I'm pretty friendly with - we gravitate for pair workouts and have a real laugh BUT we have literally nothing else in common (me: Gen X expat mum who still wears skinny jeans - Them: Millenial local media sector hipster with a trillion insta followers) so I'd never say "do you fancy a drink?" or anything because I don't think it would actually work outside the context of the gym.

Basically, there are lots of things, but in the context of your other thread, I'm not sure if this helps much. One thing someone said that really made me think was about defining the boundaries of friendship groups. I bet if everyone drew the boundaries of these groups as they see them, everyone would draw something different as we all centre ourselves. I cant promise that I've never upset someone due to not inviting them to something based on factors that made sense to me, but maybe not to them, based on their perspective.

It all depends on connection. It is not "chosen", it just happens or doesn't happen. Like falling in love.

@Insert1x20p

Thanks for your thoughts here. I can identify with this paragraph in particular:

- The "click" factor. There are people I like and chat to/socialise with and we have a nice time but there's no "click". If they suggest meeting up I'm happy to, but it wouldn't necessarily occur to me to suggest something, although obviously if they invited me to their home, I'd reciprocate.

I have a few friends who I think fall into this category, from a mutual perspective. I suspect I'm not a natural "clicker" whereas I do observe that people who are, have a lot of friends. Who knew?

I guess if you just get that feeling about someone, you pursue the friendship and build it up in a similarish way to when you feel like you click with someone romantically.
Sometimes I just get a friend-crush on someone and I try and see them more to see if it develops into a closer friendship. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesnt. Sometimes I notice people doing this with me too, and sometimes even if I really like them, im not sure I could be bestie with them.
All of my friends do have to be able to survive a certain amount of ghosting here and there though too.
I feel like im at a really good point in my life with friendships. Im quite friendly for an autistic and my friends are all oddballs too which helps. Ive got friends who feel like sisters to me that I hardly see cos we are as bad as each other for going incommunicado.
I have had best friends over the years who I would count among the great loves of my life