We've been together for 13 years. When we got together I was in my late 20s and was getting over being dumped by a man I was madly in love with and thought I would marry, and who out of the blue decided he wasn't ready for commitment. I was feeling quite lonely and planning to move to a different country to make a fresh start. One of the initial points of connection with my DP was that he was from this country and was also planning to move back there following a divorce. He was 15 years older than me (early 40s) and we started as friends - to be honest I was a bit shocked when he revealed his feelings for me as I would not previously have considered a relationship with someone so much older. But after we got involved I quickly realised his good qualities. He was kind, emotionally mature and I immediately felt very secure in the relationship. There wasn't a major physical spark but that had been a major feature of my previous relationship which had crashed and burned, so I reasoned that passion was overrated.
In the end we ended up making the move to the new country together, after about six months of dating. In hindsight this probably meant that we were prompted to commit and move in together more quickly than we otherwise might have. But it all seemed to work out, we had some amazing times travelling together and were focusing on building our lives and careers in a new country. But in some ways the relationship was just in a holding pattern. DP often talked about wanting us to get married and I implied I wasn't really interested in marriage, if I'm being honest I guess I just wasn't convinced he was 'the one'. Yet somehow a lot of time passed.
After a few years we decided to start trying for a baby and ended up needing IVF. We now have a 3 year old DS who we both adore and DP is an amazing hands on dad, I can't fault him at all. But since DS was born I am increasingly conscious of the lack of any romantic 'spark' , I feel we are more like best friends who co-parent. And now that we are older I am increasingly conscious of the age gap. DP is now in his 50s and starting to look ahead to retirement, whereas I still feel young and like there are a lot of things I want to do and look forward to. Like a lot of people I've been quite shaken by the pandemic and reevaluating what I want from life. We both have good jobs but he is very cautious financially and never wants to spend money on anything, whereas I would like to feel I can enjoy nice things. We recently bought a house in an 'up and coming' area full of young families and I am happy here, but the area is a bit rough around the edges and he only sees the negatives. This has created some tension and arguments between us. In the longer term we have planned to move back to my home country but I think he would go tomorrow whereas for me it's more of a medium-term plan.
On reflection the age gap has also made it quite difficult to make and maintain friendships as a couple - he is more sociable than me and mostly gets on well with my friends, but a lot of his friends seem so much older to me I've struggled to connect with them. And I think since becoming parents and trying to make friends with other couples with young children I've become increasingly conscious that we're the odd ones out.
We've both been going through a stressful time at work lately, which hasn't helped, plus we've been planning a home renovation project which has turned out to be a lot more complicated than expected.
In the last few days I've just started feeling really unhappy about everything that's going on and DP was worried about me. We discussed my feelings and I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to be together anymore. He said he loves me but understands why I feel the way I do and wouldn't want to stand in the way of my happiness, even if that means we need to separate. But we agreed it would be very sad for our DS if that happened.
I'm really not sure what to do. I love him and I can't imagine not having him in my life, but equally I am not 'in love' with him and if I'm honest I'm not sure I ever have been.. And the idea of trying to build a new life as a single parent scares me, as well as the consequences for my DS. Part of me thinks I'm just hankering after a romantic ideal which might not really exist, and I need to learn to appreciate all the good things in our lives together.