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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm really struggling

19 replies

ChiChi16 · 21/09/2021 11:58

I've posted on here a few times about my situation. I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the end of my marriage and really need some help with letting him go.
DH has been living in a local hotel for the past 15 weeks. Contact between us is very minimal and its usually me who gets in touch first.
He wants to come home and live in the spare room so he can see our DD17 on a regular basis. He wants us to be civil to each other and basically live as a family but it will be a loveless and sexless marriage for the time being, he does not know if things will change in a week, a month or even a year. He has said we have drifted apart and he does not see the marriage working. I hear all of this from him but why do i not let him go? I have told him that his living suggestion does not work for me and I would prefer we give the marriage a chance, he does not want this.
I struggle to get by each day, the days seem so long and are filled with wishing and wanting him to call me to say he has changed his mind and misses me.
I am still in love with him and think the longer he is away the further he is drifting and wont come back. Is it possible to live the way he wants? DD will be going to Uni next year and I just see myself alone and miserable, at least if he is in the house there will be some one there.
I hear myself and can't understand why I am so dependent on him, he's been my partner for almost 30 years and we've been married for 23 of them. I have lost all my self respect and i think he must see a needy, clingy mess...I am so sad and just want some help from someone..please

OP posts:

SuperStarRose · 21/09/2021 12:02

No absolutely do not let him move back in. That's just weird and difficult

It was his choice to move on. Once your DD has moved on to Uni I guess you'll be selling the house, keeping half the profits each and buying something elsewhere each.

Also with regards to divorce etc it's easier with him having moved out. His solicitor may have advised him to move back in so that might be the real behind it to make divorce proceedings easier for him.

SuperStarRose · 21/09/2021 12:04

Imagine how awkward it will be when you're around each other in your home, your safe place. It won't be pleasant and emotionally very difficult for you.

KintsugiForever · 21/09/2021 12:07

Please don't do this to yourself, you have the opportunity to rebuild your life in the way YOU want. This will be a half existence at best and also not good for your DD to see.

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 21/09/2021 12:10

@SuperStarRose He's not mentioned divorce, I really think it is to be close to DD. I thought if he moved back in, very very slowly we could build a relationship...or am i totally deluded, he has said we have drifted apart on more than one occasion.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 21/09/2021 12:14

Don't let him back in. You're just prolonging your own pain and grief.

Pinkbonbon · 21/09/2021 12:23

I think he has a real cheek to even suggest moving back in. What a selfish man.

I'm betting it saves him money to move home and that's why he wants to.

Because it is not in his daughters best interest to see her mother live with a man who doesn't love her anymore.

Be strong for your daughter, show her that women don't need to accept scraps from men.

Home ownership wise, if it is joint owned then you would be wise to sell up and downsize to a place of your own.

I'm sorry op, he is not being fair. And I suspect he is rather enjoying having a women pining after him. Otherwise he would give you space to grieve and move on.

Do not let this selfish man back into your life.
And infact, your daughter is 17 so surely you don't really need to talk to him much anymore. I'd tell him to only contact you in future to discuss the divorce and its practicalities.

I know it's hard op but you need to set boundaries for yourself and what you will tolerate.

PerseverancePays · 21/09/2021 12:25

Please get some therapy for your self esteem and what sounds like depression. Possibly also see your gp for some anti depressants to take the edge off. Medication and therapy are the best combination for personal growth.
You probably don’t feel like it but take a good look and probably overhaul your diet and exercise regime, nobody should be this dependant on another human being for their well being.
I’m sorry if I sound cold and that’s because I am ; I went to boarding school when I was six and I’ve never been dependant emotionally on anyone.

Pinkbonbon · 21/09/2021 12:25

I mean your daughter is 17 so they can chat without having to involve you. Sorry that wasn't very clear reading it back.

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 21/09/2021 12:56

Thank you all for your replies. I have spoken to my GP to get some counselling and i've been on the waiting list since July, so hopefully this will come through soon.
My head tells me he should not move back into the family home but my heart wants to fight for the 30 years we have been together.
He does not call me, I am the one who tries to go no contact but caves in to speak to him, he is very dismissive and short when i speak to him - and gets angry very quickly.
Last Saturday, I called him over to tell him I wont live the way he suggested and that we should go no contact. The following day, he called me and spoke like he used to (soft and caring) and asked me again if we could live this way, I said no. He then came over a couple of days later and asked me again, I still said no and he then said 'what if i sleep in the bedroom'...He is playing with me and knows that i am weak. He can be very cruel.

OP posts:

Buggritbuggrit · 21/09/2021 13:53

I’ve read all your posts, OP. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, but you cannot go on like this! This man has shown you, repeatedly, that he doesn’t want you. Doesn’t respect you. Just straight up doesn’t like you. You need to move on. It really is a self respect issue at this point.

When you say you still love him, what does that even mean? What does love mean to you? The comfort of familiarity? Because I’m not seeing what else could possibly be compelling you to contact him. That comfort doesn’t exist anymore, stop contacting him.

You literally gave up your hobby of stargazing because you were scared he’d use the time to talk to other women. You cannot believe that is a sign of a healthy relationship. This marriage already wasn’t great before the emotional affair.

You need to stop. Get counselling, if it’s available to you. Get a hobby. Go out with your mates. Go on holiday. Redecorate a room in your house. Go for a promotion. Do things with your life. Stop pining for someone who treats you like dirt on their shoe. Is this the example you want to set for your daughter? Is this the woman you want her to become?!

littleloopylou · 21/09/2021 13:58

Do not let him move in. It is clear from your posts that it would be like torture to you. So what if he wants to be close to his daughter? He left.

Do not suggest no contact. You don't need his permission. You can just stop communicating.

I promise that after you establish some distance and focus on yourself, what you want, what you need, what you enjoy, it will get easier.

Stay strong

Peace43 · 21/09/2021 13:59

He is playing you to get what he wants, a seat at the table and his dinner cooked / laundry done. If he is not 100% in on working on the marriage then no living together and having him get the benefit of his live in cook and bottle washer! Cheeky bastard!

TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 14:01

I just see myself alone and miserable

Alone is not miserable. Alone is what you make it. Being without a partner is not being alone.

What are you actively doing for yourself, OP? How are you building a single life? That's what you need to be doing now. This isn't about him, or your relationship; this is about you, what shape you want your life to be (regardless of any partner or no partner), how you want to fill your days.

What makes you feel happy and fulfilled? What activities, I mean? I realise that probably nothing much, at the moment, but what activities have made you feel good in the past?

TokyoTammy · 21/09/2021 14:24

where do things stand with the house and finances?

if his name is on the house he could technically just move back in without your permission. If you don't want him to move in then you'll need to start taking steps to formally separate. Living in a hotel doesn't sound like a long term viable option.

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 21/09/2021 14:53

Thank you all again for taking the time to read my posts and to give me your advice.
If he moves in, he wont expect me to do his cooking and washing, he is happy to do this himself and has done when he was living at home during the last 10 months.
The home is in both our names, while living at the hotel he is still paying the mortgage, he does say that he could just move back home but because of my daughter he stays away (she has been having counselling during all this and her mood is low when he is at home). The hotel he is staying in is very cheap and its cheaper for him to live there than rent a flat.
I keep thinking that if we gave the marriage a go it would work based on what we now know was missing from it. I am prepared to do this but he is not. I know I am longing for someone who is no longer there, he has changed since falling in love with the OW and I can't see him changing back. I thought this was a mid-life crisis and soon he would come to his senses and not give up everything for nothing (OW says she is not talking to him anymore and has not been for a while - i dont know if she is telling the truth or not).
I will go no contact, its my birthday next month and I will try and do something nice.

OP posts:

Flakjacketon · 21/09/2021 16:01

How awful for you but if he is not prepared to try he should not come home as it will be torture for you everyday, having him in the house but acting coldly towards you. You say you are lonely but there is nothing as lonely as sharing a house with someone you love but no longer loves you - believe me. You can only heal if he is not there.
Be wary of him agreeing to try again, just so he can get back into the house. Sadly, he seems to have made it clear that he has checked out so I wouldn't believe him if he suddenly decided he was prepared to try again.
You imply that your DD is happier when he is not around, does she want him back. He can have a relationship with her without being under the same roof.
Stick to your guns it is painful now but it will be worse if he comes back.

Muttly · 21/09/2021 16:07

He sounds like a dick (I’m sorry but he does) and you sound like a committed, loving person who deserves so much more.

Palavah · 21/09/2021 17:38

If he wants to spend time with your daughter he can contact her directly to make arrangements, surely?

TokyoTammy · 21/09/2021 19:03

Be careful OP, he's being accommodating now but what if it turns ugly. If he stops paying the mortgage can you afford to pay it yourself?

You say the hotel is cheap but after a while it may start to wear thin with him and he may push the issue He can't stay there forever. You need to start making a plan to separate if there really is no way back.

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