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Relationships

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Original poster

Split up and should I give baby his last name?

46 replies

NameChange433 · 21/09/2021 10:46

Hi MN
I have a month old baby and me and her Dad have split. We hadn’t known each other long when I fell pregnant but chose to continue the relationship and be a family. However he treated me like crap while I was pregnant and wasn’t ready to settle down. He has a son aged 5 who he sees regularly already. He was very supportive during my birth and shortly after but I chose to dump him because we were arguing a ton and thought co parenting would be better. He begged me to be a family but I said no, he needs to sort himself out, quit his coke habit, sort his finances and be there for baby. However We’re now still arguing and I don’t know what to do. Baby needs registering and I’m being told to give my last name? We had agreed to have his last name but since breaking up and rowing, I’m worried I’ll do it and he’ll be a let down.

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 21/09/2021 11:24

God no, just give your name. If he has a tantrum then so be it. Who cares?

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 21/09/2021 11:25

I wouldn't put his name as her last name and o also wouldn't put him on the birth certificate.
That doesn't mean you wouldn't get CMS.

DifferentHair · 21/09/2021 11:27

Absolutely fucking not.

No question.

So many women bitterly regret making the opposite decision

layladomino · 21/09/2021 11:28

I can see no benefit to giving her his name.

She may well never see him and end up with the name of a man she doesn't know.

It would only pander to his own needs, and not be best for her.

Why on earth would his name take precidence over yours????

Donutdisaster · 21/09/2021 11:28

Everything is so much easier when you both have the same name. Imagine going on holiday and at the airport having to prove your son is yours or having to get a letter from him to say you can take him on holiday?? Sod that

My friends partner refused to marry her so she gave her children her name. They are still together and still not married!!

EL8888 · 21/09/2021 11:32

Your name. Instinct tells me he will flake out even more

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/09/2021 11:35

@girlmom21

I disagree with a lot of posters here - just because you're not married doesn't mean baby should automatically get your surname. Mine have DP's surname, but we're fully intending on getting married etc and I'll change my surname too when we do so the situation is different.

What do you actually want? Do you think baby should have his name or yours?

It doesn't sound to me like he'll be a healthy constant in your child's life (I wouldn't be letting him have unsupervised contact until he stops the drugs) so I'd give baby your name

They’re not even together so what you and your partner, who are, did us completely irrelevant.

And unless you’re 100% sure yours will marry you you should have given them your name and changed it if you did get married.

toothpicklover · 21/09/2021 11:35

My child has my exes last name. It’s a utter nightmare. I’ve been a few times going in holiday, the worst being Canada where I was grilled for ages and had to show emails, court orders, text messages etc to prove I was only there on holiday.
My son hates his last name and calls himself by my surname. He has to wait until he’s 16 to legally change it despite his dad having not seen him in over 4 years.

Miserablewithweight · 21/09/2021 11:38

No!

I made the mistake of giving my eldest his dads name. We were going to get married etc seemed logical … until he walked out less than a year later. It’s one of my biggest regrets.

RiotAtTheRodeo · 21/09/2021 11:38

It's traditional for an unmarried woman to give the baby her surname. This thing of giving babies born to unmarried parents their dad's surname is pretty new. So just say you're a stickler for the old traditions.

Your life will run so much more smoothly if you and your child share a family name.

BobbiPinsOn · 21/09/2021 11:38

spooney21 · 21/09/2021 11:47

Not a chance in hell!

SoupDragon · 21/09/2021 11:47

What? A coke head who treated the OP like crap throughout the pregnancy. Genuinely why @SoupDragon?

Because the baby has two parents regardless and he sees his other child regularly and therefore doesn't have form for just buggering off. You will notice that I said the baby absolutely should not have just his surname but as subsidiary/in addition to the OP's

girlmom21 · 21/09/2021 11:48

@AnneLovesGilbert the initial paragraph of my response specifically stated that my situation was different but that I just didn't agree with the posters saying baby should automatically have her surname...

There's no reason why they should have my name, just to change it in a few years. That's confusing for them and even if we were to split he's still their dad and has PR.

StupidUsername123 · 21/09/2021 11:48

Definitely not

JacMacO · 21/09/2021 11:50

No!

I know a woman with 4 kids to 3 dads. All the kids have their dads' last names and none have hers. 😞

WoodyBrambles · 21/09/2021 11:56

I’ve been in this exact situation, do not give baby his sir name and leave him off the birth certificate.

Hersetta427 · 21/09/2021 12:00

It could be a real ball ache if you travel with the child and don't have the same name - you may have to get permission to take the child abroad which would give him power over you. Definitely just have your name.

EarthSight · 21/09/2021 12:08

It's patriarchal entitlement, so no. You gave birth to the baby, which still involves risk to the women's health & wellbeing, even these days. Therefore, you should have the right to name the baby as you wish.

Tangledtresses · 21/09/2021 12:08

Either both or just yours

It's a bloody nightmare when travelling if they have a different surname and he may think he has some sort of rights etc
He's shown he's an arse so it will only get worse!

TheCraicDealer · 21/09/2021 12:15

Lol no.

Passing on a surname is an honour. What part of his behaviour is it exactly you think makes him worthy of sharing a name with your baby?

So many women don't think about the significance of their choice when they automatically give their DC their DP or ex's name. You just have to read through threads like this to see the posters who regret it.

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