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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you make yourself ‘do it’?

47 replies

HotMessMama · 21/09/2021 09:32

Maintenance sex, duty sex, whatever you call it, how do you make yourself ‘do it’ when you couldn’t be further from in the mood?

Myself and DP have been together for 9 years, we have 2 children, a 4 (almost 5) year old and a 14 month old. DP works Mon-Fri, I’m currently a SAHP but would eventually like to return to work. I stopped working to care for my now 4yo who we suspect has SN, ASD or ADHD, maybe even both. He has just started mainstream school, we’ve started the assessment ball rolling so now it’s just a waiting game. He is intense and exhausting on his own then added to that my 14mo STILL doesn’t sleep well.

As a SAHP most of the household duties fall to me, I don’t have anyone to help with childcare and have no time to myself. The only ‘me’ time alone I get is in the shower, exhausted doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. Myself and DP don’t get to spend any quality time together, we have maybe an hour at the end of the day when, by some miracle, both children are asleep at the same time. By then I’m depleted and don’t want to be touched, I just want to enjoy the brief stillness and silence.
I know I should just get on with it for the sake of our relationship but I just cannot summon up the energy or enthusiasm. DP is a good man, he doesn’t pester or sulk but it’s becoming the elephant in the room. I really feel like I would be ok to never have sex again for the rest of my life, it feels like another chore I just don’t have time for but that isn’t fair to him.

How do I fix this?

OP posts:
morningwaffles · 21/09/2021 09:36

I understand exactly where you're coming from (except I don't even get to shower alone. Ever.).

I've come to the conclusion that I don't have to.
I'm on prostap so any little drive I had left is now gone.

We probably do every once in a while but I'd have serious doubts about the man I married if he was happy to just use me for "maintenance".

You'll get yourself back eventually and until then take care of your needs.

TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 09:37

You don't make yourself. This isn't your problem, this is a relationship problem. Look how many things you've mentioned that are to do with the shape of your life, rather than just about sex.

If you feel your boundaries have shifted, talk to your partner and work this through together. Why haven't you talked to him already? That suggests a deeper intimacy rift than just a sexual one, and it would fully explain the sexual one, too.

What would he say if you told him what you've told us?

BIoodyStupidJohnson · 21/09/2021 09:37

Short answer: you can't make yourself do it and there's no such thing as maintenance or duty sex. This isn't the 1890s.

If you don't feel it, don't do it. Otherwise isn't it a kind of coercion?

You need to have an honest conversation with him. Tell him what you're feeling, and not feeling. Find out what he's feeling, and not feeling. Talk, talk and talk some more.

Elephants will stay in rooms, shitting all over your carpet, until you talk. It's ultimately better to confront the thing than live with the fear of it.

Oh and it sounds like you need to share out the household/admin/parenting tasks a bit more evenly.

Viddy2021 · 21/09/2021 19:21

You not working outside the home is NO excuse for him not helping with chores etc. Childcare is hard, unpaid work, with no breaks or holidays. You likely work MORE than your partner actually, so screw that. You owe him nothing and shouldn't have sex if you don't feel like it. If he doesn't respect that, do you really want to stay with him?

Hen2018 · 21/09/2021 19:34

I don’t.

Ionlydomassiveones · 21/09/2021 19:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

AMALT · 21/09/2021 20:50

Does he do his fair share? Going against the grain here; I sometimes feel like I have to make the effort to have sex when I’m initially not in the mood and once it’s happening I’m glad I did because it’s enjoyable. I don’t want sex to become something that never happens because we’re too tired or whatever. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that

Mamaonion · 21/09/2021 21:24

I would advise you don’t go down this path of having sex out of duty. It did not serve my previous marriage well.
I got married young and was in a very unhealthy marriage for a long time. I felt pressurised into sex for years and assumed there was something wrong with me for not wanting sex. I forced myself to have sex, I even set a target for twice a week. I was desperate to make the marriage healthy! I would be relieved if I had my period as this felt like a good enough excuse not to have sex that night. Sometimes I wanted to cry when it was happening and I couldn’t wait for it to finish. I became very detached from sex. It ate away at me and I lost part of myself.

What I didn’t realise was that the reason I didn’t want sex was because I was not connected with my exH, didn’t fancy him, wasn’t treated with love or appreciation. He expected sex to just happen. I was somehow supposed to fancy him after a long long day with no support and no intimacy in our relationship.

I also had a terrible start to sex in my early teens and I think this led me to have poor boundaries around my body and my rights.Perhaps this is how I ended up normalising something so unhealthy.

My marriage ended quite dramatically and years later I’m now with a wonderful loving, caring man. We have amazing sex, almost every day often more than once! I realise there is nothing wrong with me! I love sex I was with the wrong person. We have been together 3 years, have a baby together, 3 other children and horrendously busy lives, but I feel so safe, loved and cherished with him sex is a part of my day to day like eating dinner! He is able to talk openly about sex and always respects me and my pleasure. He would never pressurise, coerce or put me down for not wanting to do something in bed.

I don’t know if any of this resonates, but I thought I’d share. I don’t think it is good for anyone to ‘make yourself’ do it in 2021. Good luck and I hope you feel happier soon it sounds like you have a lot on your plate Flowers

AveryGoodlay · 21/09/2021 21:41

Ugh it makes me shudder when people (and I often see it on mumsnet) use the phrase "get on with it" when referring to sex. It honestly makes me feel a bit sick. No one should feel that way. I may use that phrase when doing a chore I can't be arsed to do but never about something like sex.

It doesn't seem to me like sex is the main issue. The division of labour sounds unfair if you don't even have time to yourself on your partners days off. Or if you don't have access to money to be able to book a babysitter now and then so you can go out together.

Chores and parenting should be pretty much equal during days off.

category12 · 21/09/2021 21:45

You don't.

It's ridiculous that the only time you have to yourself a is having a shower. No wonder you don't have any interest in sex.

AveryGoodlay · 21/09/2021 21:46

Also like the previous poster I have experienced issues with sex in the past. I am a CSA and rape survivor and the attitude towards my trauma and towards me as a person has had a huge impact.

My partner loves and respects me so much. We have 3 children, 6 and under both working in stressful, full time jobs, no practical help from family nearby but have sex in some way (not always the full shebang) most days. We care about each other and therefore ensure we listen to each other and if one of us comes home and says we're knackered, the other will do bath and bedtime whilst the other relaxes. It's about basic care and respect imo.

OverByYer · 21/09/2021 21:48

I think it’s ok to say to him what you’ve just said to him.
You’re not saying he’s unattractive/ you don’t love him you’re just saying you are exhausted and that’s totally understandable.

Tee20x · 21/09/2021 21:57

@AMALT

Does he do his fair share? Going against the grain here; I sometimes feel like I have to make the effort to have sex when I’m initially not in the mood and once it’s happening I’m glad I did because it’s enjoyable. I don’t want sex to become something that never happens because we’re too tired or whatever. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that
I agree with this.

Obviously situations can be very different and only OP knows her boundaries/what she feels comfortable with. But I think when you get older and have kids there will always be an excuse not to have sex whether that be being tired, having other things to do & then you just get stuck in a rut.

With a newborn myself we found this was starting to happen & there would be occasions where my partner would initiate sex and though i was tired or whatever i still made the effort and enjoyed it while it was happening and afterwards I was glad I hadn't just turned over and said goodnight.

I think the key is knowing whether you don't want to do it because you're tired but if you weren't you'd be up for it , or if you simply don't want to do it full stop.

Themadcatparade · 21/09/2021 22:02

I’m not surprised you don’t want it either, it sounds like you need a break and some more longer term balance of your life duties vs your you time.

It would be wise to sit down with your partner and tell him all of this, ask for his help in the evenings and weekends more so you at least get some time to yourself to get out or even just recharge. A happy you is a happy mum is a happy partner and all that.

Goldbar · 21/09/2021 22:02

You don't have to make yourself do it. Sex should be mutually enjoyable not another chore. Instead, your partner, if he wants sex, should be asking what he can do to help you enjoy it. And that's probably going to start with you getting some time to yourself not being touched by or running after anyone else.

ActingUp · 21/09/2021 22:10

Maybe try couples therapy?

BrendaBubbles · 21/09/2021 22:11

Maintenance sex, duty sex, whatever you call it, how do you make yourself ‘do it’ when you couldn’t be further from in the mood?

You don’t. This isn’t even about chores or all the rest, because if it is then it becomes a trade of sorts which is.. not a good road to go down. You don’t want sex, you don’t have to have sex, it is as simple as that. If he can’t put up with it, he can always leave.

SarahBellam · 21/09/2021 22:17

You don't. You get your relationship back on track - tell your DH that you need more support, more sleep, more time to do the things that make you 'you'. The sex follows when you have time to attend to your own needs, not breeding resentment because you're exhausted and feel put upon.

MrsTesfaye · 21/09/2021 22:19

I just shut my eyes for 2 minutes and think of something else. I imagine I am lying on a beach, with the hot sun shining on my face. I imagine I can hear the waves lapping the shore. I can hear birds calling overhead. I imagine looking around at the golden sand, and the crystal blue sea. Or i imagine i am in a shopping mall, and I go around all my favourite shops buying new clothes, shoes, makeup. I think of all the things I would buy if money were no issue. Or I imagine I am walking the streets of the town I grew up in, and I picture all the houses etc. It passes the time really quickly, however he is usually done after 2 -3 mins anyway.

You could maybe call it meditation?

category12 · 21/09/2021 22:19

@ActingUp

Maybe try couples therapy?
Be cheaper to start with getting OP some sleep and downtime and see what happens when she has a chance to feel human again instead of just mummy and skivvy.
Ionlydomassiveones · 21/09/2021 22:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BrendaBubbles · 21/09/2021 22:41

I just shut my eyes for 2 minutes and think of something else. I imagine I am lying on a beach, with the hot sun shining on my face.

If your DD told you she went into a dissociative state in order to tolerate sex with her partner, would you be advising her to stay or to go? That is terrifying.

Sarahlou63 · 21/09/2021 22:48

"How do I fix this?"

I know I should just get on with it for the sake of our relationship but I just cannot summon up the energy or enthusiasm. DP is a good man, he doesn’t pester or sulk but it’s becoming the elephant in the room.

In who's room is this elephant? Have you considered that your DP is just as relieved for that peace and quiet as you are? Maybe he doesn't have the energy or enthusiasm either. Maybe you might both benefit from just holding each other in the rare silent times.

Have you considered discussing this elephant with him?

AveryGoodlay · 21/09/2021 22:50

MrsTesfaye that is very disturbing. And incredibly sad for you. Why do you tolerate this? I'd honestly rather be single forever.

Newschapter · 21/09/2021 23:03

@MrsTesfaye

I just shut my eyes for 2 minutes and think of something else. I imagine I am lying on a beach, with the hot sun shining on my face. I imagine I can hear the waves lapping the shore. I can hear birds calling overhead. I imagine looking around at the golden sand, and the crystal blue sea. Or i imagine i am in a shopping mall, and I go around all my favourite shops buying new clothes, shoes, makeup. I think of all the things I would buy if money were no issue. Or I imagine I am walking the streets of the town I grew up in, and I picture all the houses etc. It passes the time really quickly, however he is usually done after 2 -3 mins anyway.

You could maybe call it meditation?

Jesus christ.

In my experience this is disassociation and usually used by survivors of trauma. (CSA or war victims for example but lots more)

If having sex with your partner is this traumatic, you need to have a serious think about your relationship.