Can I get some advice please

[Jellypot]

I was invited to a function. My partner got the day off too for it and I was looking forward to going. I will need to reply with an rsvp I suppose by the end of today.

I found out my sister was also invited. We are estranged. We haven't seen each other and years and to be honest I don't want to see her. I don't want to even risk seeing her. She's a drama queen. She's very much like a martyr and she cause so much hurt and trouble in the family with abuse and hatred and harassment. Family outside of the immediate family aren't aware of it. They know there's something but they don't know what.

I don't know what to do kow about attending this event. I really don't want to see her. Or will I get dressed up, put on a dress, warn the partner that we might need to leave early if she causes a scene and just let her make a show of herself and walk. I will need to tell him to be careful with information as well like his work information because that was threatened before by her.

The idea of seeing her face really churns my stomach.

I have been no contact with my mum for 10 years.

I've not been faced with a situation like this however, in the early days, I would worry about bumping into her at places for similar reasons. We have a couple of similar interests so I was always wary of turning up at the same place as her (it never actually happened) so always made a cursory glance around the room when I arrived to see whether she was there. I also kept an eye on the door to see whether she had arrived - in essence, if she had turned up, I'd have wanted to know where she was at all times.

10 years down the line, I still do the same checks but don't have the same anxious response as I used to.

What I did was have a planned course of action in the event that I did see her - be aware of her movements; be aware of her social behaviour (as that would be an indicator of her mood and the tone/type of any kick of were there to be one); a knowledge of how I was going to respond (eg move to a different part of the room/say something/leave) based upon that.

But I went anyway. She is one person in the world - a very unpleasant person no doubt, but I wasn't going to let her cause me any more problems than she already had done.

I think your plan to dress up; go anyway; have an exit strategy and have rules in place, as you have, re sharing work info is what I would do in your position.

I don't think people understand unless you're in the situation so it's great that you have a similar experience and can relate to me.

My sister is someone who won't be able to understand that the day won't be about her. It's someone else's day. She will thinking causing drama will be to ruin my day but it other peoples day out too.

She is also someone who will become enraged if I was to dress and look well and make an effort to look well and presentable. I have a beautiful black and white dress with pink and green florals picked out for the day and it's truly beautiful. She will hold it aga9me forever more and call me a wh0re for looking well. The dress in question is not even wh0re material. It falls below the knee. I don't know how she thinks.

I know. That's why I wanted to explain a little before repsonding

She sounds similar in those respects. My mum was my birthing partner for my first child - I didn't really understand her then - and she complained that she hadn't been offered tea and toast when I was post birth because she was also up late and tired; she was vile to my partner after the birth of second because she hadn't been included - EMCS and she nearly died; she criticised us for making my graduation day about me... it goes on. I've been called a whore etc also.

Some of it you just have to let go. Accept its her and not a reflection on you; understand that others will see it even if they don't say anything and just ignore it.

It got to the point before I went NC when we had decided to find a pleasure in upsetting her or jokingly predict how she'd react at any given event because worrying abut it did nothing but ruin our enjoyment of it and we weren't going to give her that.

I know in my heart she won't be able to behave. I'm dreading the very idea of seeing her face and even sharing a room with her for a while. The room would be a hotel function room or restaurant. She will find some fault with me and hold it against me forever more. I don't want to open myself up for that.

I chatted to my partner to tell him and see what we should do. He said we should continue with our plans and go and let her make a show of herself if she wants to and we will walk if she starts on me. It looks like a good plan but I realise now I won't even be able to go to the toilet if she is there.

OP

don’t let her talk to you.

If she approaches you, move - no matter how «rude» that may be.

Same with your partner.

If she does make an appearance, it will be the first time in 5 years that I will see her..

I feel completely uneasy. She's someone who spend years trying to shame and humiliate that family and she's still doing it. Just because her twisted reality and feelings weren't served by the family.

I don't want to put myself into a position where she can develop a problem with me no matter how stupid and use it against me forever more. Anything will set her off. I don't want to put myself into that position.

Then on the other hand I was looking forward to day off and day together with my partner at the function. I would love to get dressed up and do my hair and put the make up on. So many changes happened since she fell out with the family. Life has really moved on for everyone except for my sister who is still stuck in the past focusing on shit tit for tat rows even from our youth. When we were on good terms I never had the confidence to wear a dress and now I love dresses. That would be a huge change.

I am getting an uneasy feeling though about it all. I'm just worried that my sister will use it as an opportunity to make the day all about herself and shout shit at me in front of everyone.

Your husband is right.

He can stand outside the toilet if you go and intercept her. You can ask someone to go with you. You can just walk straight past and ignore her.

She can do and say what she wants. You can rise above it. Do it and break the power you currently feel she has over you.

Unless it's vital that you go, I wouldn't, in your shoes.

It's a shame because you were looking forward to it, but that's not true now, and it's going to cause you loads of stress in the lead up, and possibly loads of stress after, if she makes trouble.

Look after yourself. Go easy on yourself. Don't force yourself to do things that feel uncomfortable unless you have a really compelling reason.

Would it be terrible for anybody if you RSVP'd 'No'?

Your husband is right

I think that's true, in the same way as 'Of course you can do public speaking! There's no need to be nervous...' etc.

The question isn't 'How to do it?', it's 'Should I do it at all?'

If she "shouts shit" at you in front of everyone, walk away. Ignore her. Go to the bar. Talk to someone else. If she calls you names, comments on your dress, says anything, people's sympathy will be with you and negativity will be towards her.

There is nothing else to be done really. You either go amd ognore/deal.woth her or you don't go. There isn't a third option and it would be a shame to miss out.

Have the confidence, wear the dress and be assured by her rantings. Seriously, it's the way to do it.